Hi Dr. Karen, Thanks for allowing yourself to be an instrument to help others. My question is this I’m in love with a man that simply doesn’t love me. It’s taken me a long time to accept this. Finally I’ve reach the place where I have accepted it. Yet it’s extremely painful. My question is how do I now move on to the next step of being open to this place of pain. Do I just remain in pain until it stops?
Thanks, Hurting in VA
Dear Hurting in VA:
Unreciprocated love can indeed be painful for us. At times, it just doesn’t seem fair, does it? But who says things are supposed to be fair anyway.
I give you a lot of credit for understanding that it is important to accept that he doesn’t love you back. Even more important though, is the question: Do you feel you are lovable? Just because he didn’t love you only means that he wasn’t your ideal match and that the Universe was making sure you were getting pretty clear signs that that was the case!
In order to attract your ideal partner, one that reciprocates your love, you must believe and FEEL you are completely lovable. Not everyone in the world needs to love you, of course, but YOU must love you. It may even be a bit humorous and healing to imagine that anyone (including this man) would be absolutely CRAZY not to love you! You ARE so wonderful afterall!!
Are you smiling yet? Even just a bit?
As far as your question about remaining in pain, let me assure you that the pain is temporary. However, there are ways in which we keep the pain going for longer than necessary. One of these ways is resisting being in pain. The more we resist, the more it persists.
Why do we resist? Well, because it doesn’t feel good does it? So try this on for size. Instead of resisting the pain because you don’t know when it will end and you are afraid to feel it fully, set aside a designated period of time for you to totally immerse yourself in pain. Allow yourself to fully say all those things that keep you in pain, not because I necessarily want you to believe them, but because I want you to consciously work with your pain not resist it. Set the timer for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes or however long you wish to FEEL. During that time, you allow yourself to be fully immersed in your feeling without distraction. Do not resist the tears, the anger, the frustration, the fear. Just let it all out. Beat on a pillow if you have to. Just know that you have a designated time you are permitting yourself to feel.
Once your time is up, it’s up. Switch gears. If you notice residual things coming up, just set them aside for your next “session”. Go on about your business in the NOW. If your mind wanders to self-defeating thoughts, learn to switch gears. You may have to switch thoughts over and over again, but that’s OK. It is a practice..like yoga or meditation.
What you’ll find over time, is that by giving yourself permission to fully feel whatever it is you feel, you release the resistance around it and it will eventually dissapate much quicker. Don’t be attached to getting rid of the pain quickly. Pain is a great teacher if you allow yourself to see its wisdom.
When you have allowed yourself to experiment with feeling the pain fully, it is possible that you cannot hold that level of vibration for very long before your body wishes to naturally switch gears. Be compassionate with yourself. Forcing yourself NOT to feel pain is adding to the pain. Just because you may have been taught that in order to use the law of attraction to manifest what you want, you must be positive, it doesn’t mean that you are supposed to be in a good mood all the time. In fact, resisting so-called negative emotions is counterproductive when you are consciously harnessing the law of attraction.
The Universe can sense when you are in resistance and it will give you more things to resist!
You may wish to try EFT (emotional freedom technique) or the Sedona Method or check out Byron Katie’s work to help move your emotions to a higher vibration.
Blessings,
Dr. Karen Kan
