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Dear Dr. Karen: Do You Believe in the No Contact Rule in Break Ups?

Posted on 03 May 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

Have you heard of the No Contact Rule when it comes to break ups? Do you think that really works? My boyfriend broke up with me on Christmas Day because he thinks I lied to him and told me to never speak to him again. I didn’t do what he said. We’ve had no contact since the Tuesday before Christmas. I’ve been trying to let go but still anguishing waiting for him to contact me at least by phone stating he needs to talk to me. Do you believe in the No Contact rule?

Donna

Dear Donna,

Great question Donna. I can imagine the anguish you must feel when you feel you’ve done nothing wrong and you can’t explain yourself to your boyfriend. Frustrating I would imagine.

It neither believe or dis-believe in the “no contact” rule. It has nothing to do with belief.

Your boyfriend had a very serious reaction to whatever he thought you did. It probably touched his “core wound” and the pain was so great that he did whatever he felt was best to shield himself from further wounding. The fact that you didn’t mean to do any harm is besides the point. It is his perception that he is relying on. That’s all he has. And his perceptions are based in his “relationship blueprint” from childhood.

If his actions seem unreasonable to you, it is further evidence of this “wounding” I’m talking about. He is not consciously aware of this wounding so his actions will seem perfectly “logical” to him. For example, if he witnessed his father “lying” to his mother and how upset she was when he was a young boy, he will react violently to anything remotely similar in his adult life. See if you can feel a little bit of understanding and compassion now that you know this.

The one action you can take is to respect his space and his request for non-contact. I know this sounds very difficult, but trust me, if you push for contact, you will lose his trust further. I had an old boyfriend who didn’t respect my wish for non-contact and insisted on leaving messages on my voicemail. I lost trust because he didn’t respect my wish for space. The message I got was,

“You SHOULDN’T need space. I know better than you do what you need. My needs are more important than yours. You’re opinions and wishes are unimportant and wrong.”

Of course, that is not what he meant. But by calling me when I told him NOT to showed me that he cared more about what he needed than what I needed.

So, your best move is to wait and heal. There is one law of attraction exercise you can do to mend things quickly. I can’t promise you WHEN it will happen, only that it WILL. Your willingness and diligence in doing this exercise authentically will show up in your results.

Here’s the exercise. Because he has asked for non-contact, you are not permitted to call, email, snail mail your ex unless he explicitedly allows it. I suppose if he told you not to call him, you could use a loop hole and write him a letter. But only you know what he TRULY meant. Likely, he meant NO contact whatsoever, so don’t manipulate the situation just because you can.

Everything is Energy. You can still communicate to him…even one-sided. Here’s what you do: every day for at least 30 days straight, write your ex a virtual letter. In this letter, you will do your best to communicate your love, respect and understanding to your ex. You’ll tell him exactly what you love about him and why you miss him. You can even explain what “happened” as if he were standing there listening to you. You can ask for forgiveness from him.

You can be as creative as you want to be. It is important that the Energy of the letter be one of love and understanding, not one of neediness or accusations.

You see, since everything is energy, even if you don’t literally send the letter to your ex, he will RECEIVE it energetically. Yes! He will actually receive the messages you write in vibrational form. He will not know you are communicating to him consciously, but unconsciously the messages will enter his energy field. His unconscious will filter and let in whatever messages most resonate.

If YOU feel the love when you write the letter, he will FEEL it too. That’s the beauty of this exercise. I can’t tell you how many times this simple exercise has created peace where there was conflict. Are you willing to take this action? Is your relationship important enough to do it?

This is my challenge to you. Let me know after 30 days how things are going for you.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

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Dear Dr. Karen: I Always Attract the Wrong Type of Person!

Posted on 28 February 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen

I always seem to be attracting the wrong type of person into my life. And the guys that do find me attractive and come into my life are just not right for me. I have tried the law of attraction and watched the secret of a million times but it just doesn’t seem to be working. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Being single has now become the norm for me because after a few dates it just never seems to work. I doubt it’s the way I look because I’m comfortable with the way I look so I just don’t know why I’m still single. I think I have practically everything in my life except the one thing that I want the most and that is someone who I can love. So please, how do I go about achieving this?

I’ve been looking for someone to help me out on this one, please be that person!!!

Many thanks,

JoJo

Dear JoJo,

I hope you were there listening to my teleseminar last week because I dealt with this issue in detail. JoJo, there is nothing wrong with you. You are attracting the same “unattractive” guys to you because of your conditioning/programming from childhood. When we are young and most impressionable, we learn how relationships are supposed to be from the people we interact with the most as children – our parents, school teachers, relatives etc.

Our beliefs are formed from childhood experiences – what we hear, see and experience – and create an unconscious “blueprint” that tells the Universe what kind of person to bring to us. For example, if someone told you at age five that being too smart would drive the boys away, you would unconsciously deny your intellectual talents for fear that no one would be attracted to you.

It is not always easy to “see” our childhood programming without some sort of guidance and a lot of intentionality. In your case, I would highly recommend some serious study on the topic of relationships and some coaching or counseling.

People often make the mistake of thinking that good relationships are supposed to “happen” automatically. Well, they don’t. We have to LEARN how to have a good relationship. I don’t know about you, but in my school, there was never a course called, “Love Relationships 101”!

The law of attraction in manifesting your dream partner includes putting energy in developing your relationship skills. If you’ve watched The Secret and have been diligent in using the seven steps to manifesting from Creating Your Fairytale Love Life, then all it means is that The Universe is waiting for YOU TO BECOME the kind of person you wish to manifest.

If you had a tall wish order like I had, then the Universe will wait until you’ve GROWN to a level of maturity to make that relationship a success.

And please don’t think everyone you’ve dated is a waste, just because it didn’t work out. Think of dating as a personal growth experiment to learn more and more about yourself and to hone your relationship skills. My colleague, Sandi Sain, dated hundreds of men before she was truly READY to manifest her dream partner Bob. And she doesn’t regret one single date! She appreciates them all for what she learned about herself!

So be patient. Learn to see the beauty in everyone you meet, even if they aren’t your perfect match. When you can appreciate everyone for at least one quality, you will begin to vibrate at a level that matches your desires.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

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