Dear Dr. Karen,
If you could help me out it would be really wonderful. I am a 25 year woman from a conservative family in a country whose custom is arranged marriages. Up to this point, I can honestly say, that I haven’t found my dream love.
Nevertheless, for the past couple of years I’ve been extremely attracted to a male colleague at work. I cannot explain my “craving” for him. He isn’t the most handsome man, but I feel myself drawn to him almost uncontrollably.
We have been “just friends” until recently when we actually kissed. Now, he wants sex but I’m feeling he only wants a physical relationship just to enjoy the moment. I’ve said no for a number of reasons, including the fact that have have so little in common and he doesn’t fit into my “ideal” partner.
Moreover my perception is he is not physically attracted to me (I know where I stand from a man’s point of view. I am heavily built, can say in completely out of shape) and wonder whether men can have relationship even if they are not attracted towards the female?
So far, the men my family has offered to me to do not interest me, and I can’t stop thinking about the attraction I have for my colleague. Unfortunately, I believe he does not really care for me and wants me just for sex. I feel that he isn’t the “right” person for me to marry, yet I’m still jealous when he’s with any other woman. How can I let that go?
I cannot discuss this with anyone, least of all my family. Please guide me. Thanks in advance.
I can understand your predicament. I hope I can be of help. Given your relative “inexperience” with the opposite sex, let me share with you what I sense is going on in your situation. You are experiencing strong sexual attraction with your male colleague and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but let me qualify what I mean. Since you have never been attracted to anyone up to this point, the sexual attraction you feel is an ENERGY that is new and exciting to you. The benefit is that you can now “memorize” this feeling as part of what you’d desire in your future mate without necessarily being in relationship with your colleague.
Newla, there is so much more to match-making than sexual attraction. Many people mistakenly label the sexual attraction as something more than what it is. The energetic pull they feel can be so strong, they can convince themselves that the other person is their “match”.
You, however, are conflicted and rightly so. Your intuitive self has “warned” you that you do not feel cared for by this man. So what you are attracted to is purely sexual attraction – the polarity (opposites) between the masculine energy and the feminine energy (read David Deida’s books).
Your situation reminds me of a colleague that I knew at a teaching institution where I worked. He wasn’t particularly good looking, but women fawned over him. In fact, I was told he had had several affairs. And it wasn’t long until I felt that sexual pull towards him as well. He didn’t treat women very well, but he flirted very well and knew exactly what to say or do to get your attention.
Even though at the time, I was struggling with my marriage and fantasized some days about being with this colleague, it was his daily lack of thoughtfulness or courtesy towards me that put up a huge red flag that said, “NOT THIS ONE!” And thank goodness I respected those flags! What I discovered was this: the more self-esteem I had for myself, the less I “wanted” him.
That being said, it was still “fun” to have this colleague flirt with me on occasion, but the boundaries were very clear. It was “fun” to feel sexy and feminine around him. And he made all the women feel that way, whether they were fat, skinny, pimpled or otherwise “unattractive”. It was his “gift” to us women. And yes, just because you don’t think you fit into an ideal, the right men WILL find you attractive! You must see yourself as attractive before you will manifest the “right” man.
So see if you can just take NOTE of the sexual energy you feel and log it into your memory banks under: “this is the energy I’d like to have with my future ideal partner” and leave it at that. If your self-esteem is strong, you will realize quickly that this colleague of yours does not have your best interests at heart and you will naturally be able to let go easier and easier.
You don’t have to get yourself all angry and upset over him because he knows no better…and in fact, the “ploys” he uses only gets you hooked over and over again!
Think of him as a child who is playing a game to see if he is worthy. If he can get you into bed it must mean he’s worthy (in his mind). He’s not a villain, really. He just isn’t what you are looking for. But you can still use the ENERGY you feel as an ingredient in your laundry list of wishes for your ideal partner.
The jealousy you feel is all part of the way he hooks you back into him. Other women can get hooked too. See if you can respect your intuitive guidance to stay away from him and start focusing on what you REALLY want. Instead of wishing he would change, imagine that he will never change and move on. It will take practice not to get hooked in again.
In fact, if you feel too susceptible, it would be advisable to spend as little time with this man as possible. Spend your energies instead on manifesting your dream partner. Go through the first three chapters of Creating Your Fairytale Love Life and create your partner from scratch AND while you’re doing that, make sure you include the ingredient you desire which is sexual attraction.
This colleague has given you a gift already. He has awakened your sexual center – a necessary step in your personal growth journey. Rest assured that you will feel it again with someone – someone with whom you share common values and dreams and someone who loves you for the person you are (and not just as a sex object).
Do your homework. Make your list and follow the steps of harnessing the law of attraction, and just TRUST the Universe to give you your dream partner.