Tag Archive | "sexual attraction"

Tags: , , , , ,

Dear Dr. Karen: Arranged Marriage vs. Sexual Attraction

Posted on 16 February 2009 by Dr. Karen

 Dear Dr. Karen,

If you could help me out it would be really wonderful. I am a 25 year woman from a conservative family in a country whose custom is arranged marriages. Up to this point, I can honestly say, that I haven’t found my dream love.

Nevertheless, for the past couple of years I’ve been extremely attracted to a male colleague at work. I cannot explain my “craving” for him. He isn’t the most handsome man, but I feel myself drawn to him almost uncontrollably.

We have been “just friends” until recently when we actually kissed. Now, he wants sex but I’m feeling he only wants a physical relationship just to enjoy the moment. I’ve said no for a number of reasons, including the fact that have have so little in common and he doesn’t fit into my “ideal” partner.

Moreover my perception is he is not physically attracted to me (I know where I stand from a man’s point of view. I am heavily built, can say in completely out of shape) and wonder whether men can have relationship even if they are not attracted towards the female?

So far, the men my family has offered to me to do not interest me, and I can’t stop thinking about the attraction I have for my colleague.  Unfortunately, I believe he does not really care for me and wants me just for sex. I feel that he isn’t the “right” person for me to marry, yet I’m still jealous when he’s with any other woman. How can I let that go?

I cannot discuss this with anyone, least of all my family. Please guide me. Thanks in advance.

 

Regards,

Newla 
 

Dear Newla,

I can understand your predicament. I hope I can be of help. Given your relative “inexperience” with the opposite sex, let me share with you what I sense is going on in your situation. You are experiencing strong sexual attraction with your male colleague and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but let me qualify what I mean. Since you have never been attracted to anyone up to this point, the sexual attraction you feel is an ENERGY that is new and exciting to you. The benefit is that you can now “memorize” this feeling as part of what you’d desire in your future mate without necessarily being in relationship with your colleague.

Newla, there is so much more to match-making than sexual attraction. Many people mistakenly label the sexual attraction as something more than what it is. The energetic pull they feel can be so strong, they can convince themselves that the other person is their “match”.

You, however, are conflicted and rightly so. Your intuitive self has “warned” you that you do not feel cared for by this man. So what you are attracted to is purely sexual attraction – the polarity (opposites) between the masculine energy and the feminine energy (read David Deida’s books).

Your situation reminds me of a colleague that I knew at a teaching institution where I worked. He wasn’t particularly good looking, but women fawned over him. In fact, I was told he had had several affairs. And it wasn’t long until I felt that sexual pull towards him as well. He didn’t treat women very well, but he flirted very well and knew exactly what to say or do to get your attention.

Even though at the time, I was struggling with my marriage and fantasized some days about being with this colleague, it was his daily lack of thoughtfulness or courtesy towards me that put up a huge red flag that said, “NOT THIS ONE!” And thank goodness I respected those flags! What I discovered was this: the more self-esteem I had for myself, the less I “wanted” him.

That being said, it was still “fun” to have this colleague flirt with me on occasion, but the boundaries were very clear. It was “fun” to feel sexy and feminine around him. And he made all the women feel that way, whether they were fat, skinny, pimpled or otherwise “unattractive”. It was his “gift” to us women. And yes, just because you don’t think you fit into an ideal, the right men WILL find you attractive! You must see yourself as attractive before you will manifest the “right” man. 

So see if you can just take NOTE of the sexual energy you feel and log it into your memory banks under: “this is the energy I’d like to have with my future ideal partner” and leave it at that. If your self-esteem is strong, you will realize quickly that this colleague of yours does not have your best interests at heart and you will naturally be able to let go easier and easier.

You don’t have to get yourself all angry and upset over him because he knows no better…and in fact, the “ploys” he uses only gets you hooked over and over again!

Think of him as a child who is playing a game to see if he is worthy. If he can get you into bed it must mean he’s worthy (in his mind). He’s not a villain, really. He just isn’t what you are looking for. But you can still use the ENERGY you feel as an ingredient in your laundry list of wishes for your ideal partner.

The jealousy you feel is all part of the way he hooks you back into him. Other women can get hooked too. See if you can respect your intuitive guidance to stay away from him and start focusing on what you REALLY want. Instead of wishing he would change, imagine that he will never change and move on. It will take practice not to get hooked in again.

In fact, if you feel too susceptible, it would be advisable to spend as little time with this man as possible. Spend your energies instead on manifesting your dream partner. Go through the first three chapters of Creating Your Fairytale Love Life and create your partner from scratch AND while you’re doing that, make sure you include the ingredient you desire which is sexual attraction.

This colleague has given you a gift already. He has awakened your sexual center – a necessary step in your personal growth journey. Rest assured that you will feel it again with someone – someone with whom you share common values and dreams and someone who loves you for the person you are (and not just as a sex object).

Be patient.

Do your homework. Make your list and follow the steps of harnessing the law of attraction, and just TRUST the Universe to give you your dream partner.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen

0

Tags: , , , , ,

Dear Dr. Karen: Help! I Am Attracted to A Man Who’s 20 Years Younger

Posted on 22 January 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen:

 

I seem to have developed an attraction for my 23 year old neighbor since he has relocated to  this area. Outside of me being a 44 years old female we have a great deal in common and enjoy each others company greatly .

 

There are times when the attraction is overwhelming and confusing. I certainly value his friendship and would rather continue at the same pace rather than inject  sex and jepordize the friendship. I just need to get past the attraction.  Can you help?

 

Thank You,

Lisa

 

Dear Lisa,

 

…and the problem is????

 

Are you implying that you are too “old” to date a 23-year old man? or that he is too “young” to date a 44-year old woman? or that somehow, you aren’t “supposed” to have sexual attraction to someone “so much younger” than you?

 

Where did you get those ideas?

 

Is it really true that people that are very connected in a romantic way must be a certain age apart from one another? Is there a rule in your head that says, “relationships can’t work between myself and a younger man”?

 

I’m probably going to get in trouble for my answer, because many people out there have preconceived ideas of what the “perfect” love relationship has to look like. You can have preferences for sure, but was age a criteria on your “laundry list” of desires for your dream partner (see Creating Your Fairytale Love Life eBook).

 

Good news is, you haven’t told me that he is immature or irresponsible for a 23-year old. You haven’t told me that you mother him and you feel a co-dependent relationship developing. You haven’t told me that’s raking you for all the money you have.

 

So let me as you this: is the sexual attraction mutual?

 

And if it is, doesn’t it feel wonderful to be desirable (at age 44), to an attractive young man with whom you feel a strong connection? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the feelings of desire and here you are trying to get rid of it. I’m not telling you to knock on his door and jump in bed with him pronto, but what I am saying is to be OPEN to all possibilities.

 

In other words, what would you do if you didn’t have the notion or belief that dating a younger man would be “bad” or “unwise”?

 

To be honest, I had preconceived ideas about my dream partner, James, too when we first met. He looked so young at the park where we first met. He had a cut-off T-shirt on showing off his muscular shoulders, a partially-shaved head, and baggy jeans (like the ones skateboarders wear). I thought he was twenty five at the most, almost fifteen years my junior. And when he first spoke, I convinced myself from his innocence that he was even younger.

 

When I told him I admired his smile, I was not thinking AT ALL about him being a potential partner, let alone my dream skating/love partner. “Too young”, I thought immediately. When he told me shyly that he had always been attracted to Asian women and that he’d like it if I gave him a call later, I told him bluntly,

 

“Do you realize how old I am?”

 

“Uh, no. How old are you?”, he asked

 

“I’m almost 40″ I answered impressively, waiting for a disappointed expression to appear on his face (it never did).  

 

Instead, he looked up hopefully and said,

 

“Well, I’m 32!” (he lied – he was months away from turning 32)

 

My girlfriend with whom I was with at the time, turned to me, giggled and said,

 

“Obviously the age difference doesn’t matter to him!”

 

And even though we turned out to be only six or so years apart, it took another friend to point out that I was being biased about his age and in her estimation, I needed a younger man because I had “young energy”. I thought about what she said and decided to become present to who James really was, not who I thought he must be based on what was was written on his birth certificate.

 

The rest is history.

 

I know, I know. You’re twenty years older, not just six. Guess what? They are just numbers! What you really want to be asking is, “are the feelings mutual?” and if so how do you both wish to proceed?

 

Do you realize that in some ancient cultures (OK, I’m going to get in trouble for printing this too…oh well!), older women were responsible for teaching the younger men in the community how to make love so that they would be good lovers for their future brides. Again, I’m not telling you that you should both immediately jump in the sack…

 

What I am suggesting, though, is to decide whether you wish to pursue a different form of romantic and/or sexual relationship just to discover more about yourself and each other…for you to experience the possibilities beyond what your biases and beliefs have told you.

 

Or not.

 

The important thing is this: if you want a mature relationship, you need to be intentional about it. You need to sit back and really get clear on what you are wanting from this relationship. If you are wanting to experience intense sexual passion and attraction, that’s one thing (and that’s perfectly fine). If you are wanting a long-term monogamous relationship ending in a ring and two kids down the road, that’s another.

 

If you two are really connected on a deeper level, you will be able to broach the topic of your attraction without fear of alienation or the loss of face or loss of friendship. Know what I mean? REAL friends tell the truth about how they feel and trust the other person can handle the truth.

 

Don’t be afraid about rejection. You are beautiful. You are strong. On the other hand, lavish in the attraction if it is indeed mutual. We are all ONE anyway. We just have taken different physical forms. You don’t necessarily have to make it sexual – you can actually exchange sexual energy without having sex. Even eating can be a sensual energy enlivened with sexual energy. Sexual energy can charge up your day and make you feel wonderful. So use it wisely.

 

Listen to your heart (not necessarily your head). You may also ask yourself, what would I regret more? You know the saying, “it is better to have loved and lost (and I would add LIVED and lost), rather than never loved (or LIVED) at all.”

 

Hope that helps.

 

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

P.S. if you really need some help with how to broach the topic of your attraction, I can help you with that with a private coaching session. It’s too much to write it all here.

0






Join Dr. Karen's Community


Law of Attraction in Love on Facebook