Dr. Karen,

Brian

Dear Brian,

I hear your deep love and concern for your wife. You may be accurate that she may be suffering from depression. Here are some tell-tale signs:

- Crying spells or pronounced irritability
- Unnatural weight gain or loss
- Depressed mood for over 3 weeks
- Losing interest in things she loved (hobbies)
- Poor appetite
- Less socialization with friends
- Suicidal threats/thoughts

If she will not listen to you, then I suggest that unless you feel she is a suicidal threat, it would be best to respect her wishes. Let her know that you love her and are concerned that she may be suffering from depression, but since she doesn’t want to be in relationship with you, you will respect her wishes for distance. However, encourage her to connect with good friends for support since you won’t be there.

You’ll have to use your intuition on this one. You may wish to contact a mutual trusted friend or two and share your concern about possible depression. Ask them to give her emotional support and encourage her to see a doctor if they are agreeable. If you know her doctor, you can also call or write to her doctor with your concerns, but let your wife know when you do. The tricky part is that she may consider your actions invasive so you MUST have your intentions clear. You are NOT contacting your friends to spy on her or to force her to do anything. You are just requesting support and then giving your wife the space she feels she needs from you.

If you are overly invasive, your wife will push you further away. She’ll be able to sense your “attachment” to getting back together. You can let her know that you’re open to doing what you can to support her and you’ll do your very best to give her the space she feels she needs. Tell her that she can contact you if she wishes but you’ll refrain from contacting her unless absolutely necessary.

Then what I suggest for you is to get your own counselor. Model the behavior you’d like to see, even if she doesn’t know you’re seeing one. Energetically, you’ll be helping both of you by seeking help yourself. You’re feeling loss, so you can’t help her if you don’t get support as well.

Here’s one exercise that can do wonders while you are giving your wife “space”: Every day, in private, journal all the things you appreciate about her. Write down what her strengths are, what you enjoy about her and how she makes you feel. In doing this exercise, you are literally sending her healing energy waves that will help her depression if she indeed suffers from it. She’ll begin feeling relaxed and calmer when she thinks about you rather than angry and resentful.

One thing I want you to keep in mind, Brian. When I was separating from my husband, I was depressed as well. The reason was this: because of my culture and religion, I believed I was “bad” by choosing to separate. But I couldn’t stand being “ill” any longer, so I finally separated from my husband. When I finally felt I had a choice and I was making the right choice for me (despite arguments from my husband and my parents), my depression magically disappeared without having to take any drugs. Did I get help? You betcha! I had a team of counselors, healers and enlightened friends that supported me. I didn’t do it without support!

So Brian, lovingly give her “virtual” support through your Appreciation Journaling. Believe me, it works wonders if you are doing it with clear and unattached intention.

Blessings,
Dr. Karen Kan

Dear Dr. Karen

What makes a girl move to a different boy from an existing relationship?

N.P.

Dear N.P.

Let’s imagine that that someone is you who just got “dumped” as we say in North America. Your girlfriend just decided she didn’t want to be with you any longer. It hurts, right?

Well, first of all, know that you didn’t do anything wrong. It doesn’t mean that the relationship couldn’t have been better and that you didn’t have anything to do with the separation, but it doesn’t mean it is entirely “your fault”.

What it DOES mean, is that she is no longer resonating with you. She doesn’t feel connected to you any longer or as much as she needs to in order to stay your girlfriend. Sometimes that change in resonance occurs because two people cease to be each other’s teacher and need to thus move on. In other words, you were there to help her grown in some way and now your job is “done” and she needs to move on in order to continue growing.

Sometimes that change in resonance occurs because one person has grown in a different direction and they no longer see eye to eye. Of course, we make up all sorts of “reasons” why we split up, but there simply isn’t one answer. Break-ups may be difficult or challenging, and at the same time, are a wonderful opportunity to learn more about what you want and what you need.

When my ex-husband and I broke up, it was because I had gone through a deep spiritual growth through my illness. I no longer saw my life as an disconnected series of random events. I found that my life had purpose and the spiritual growth I experienced seemed incomprehensible to my husband at the time. He just couldn’t understand why I loved to meditate, practice yoga, and go on personal growth retreats.

After we separated, he began to explore his own spiritual path. Until we did, he resisted it. But somehow the separation changed the way he thought. Now he has a spiritual practice that he never would have had if we had struggled to stay together in a relationship that wasn’t growing or thriving any longer.

And I bless him on his path…especially because we just found out his younger sister died unexpectedly last week. Can you imagine how much more painful that would be if he didn’t have some sort of spiritual path?

So don’t take breaking up personally even though it feels personal. It is just another stepping stone to knowing and loving yourself better. Be compassionate to yourself. Forgive yourself and the other person. When you can, bless them on their way and thank them for being there during an important part of your development. Part ways with respect and love.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen