Tag Archive | "self-love"

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Dear Dr. Karen: I’m Unhappily Married – I Seek Someone to Give Me the Love I Long For

Posted on 06 February 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

I am married but unhappy. I constantly seek for someone to come into my life and give me the love i long for.



Dear Azlin,


First of all, I can empathize with your situation. I was there once. Unlike you though, I couldn’t even admit to myself I was unhappy in my marriage. I was blind to it. It wasn’t until I met a man who was everything my husband was not, that I began to consciously question the quality of my marriage.


So believe me when I say – you’re ahead of the game!


Azlin, what I’ve come to learn is that if you expect someone to fill a void that you have, you will be sorely disappointed in the outcome. It is not possibly for someone to GIVE you the love you long for. It is an illusion. The truth is that we absolutely CANNOT receive what we cannot give. It is part of the law of attraction.


There is nothing wrong with longing to feel loved. Been there, done that. However, what I’ve discovered (and many teachers have talked about) is that the “other” person in the relationship is only a reflection of the LOVE you have for yourself. In other words, if you cannot love yourself fully when you are without a partner, you cannot possibly attract a partner that loves you fully either.


You need to work on self-love. How loving is it to force yourself to suffer an unhappy marriage? How loving is it to pretend every day of your life? How loving is it to keep yourself scared of moving on and moving forward with your current relationship?


And let’s talk a moment about your ability to love another. Guess what? Your ability to give love is limited by your degree of self-love. You cannot give what you do not have.


How loving is it to lie to your spouse (in essence by seeking someone else while in relationship to your spouse without telling him/her)? How loving is it to prevent your spouse from possibly moving onto a relationship that would be more fulfillling because you are too scared to let go of him/her?


Please don’t take my questioning as harsh. These are questions that I had to grapple with when I was choosing my path while I was unhappily married. When I told my husband that I could no longer stay in our current relationship and that I’d dreamed of being with someone else (I was sobbing uncontrollably when I told him), one of the first things he asked was,


“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”


What he meant was, “Why did you string me along for all these years when you were not happy? Why did you pretend? Is our whole relationship a lie?” etc.


In my defense, I thought I was “protecting” him from the awful truth. I was “protecting” him from being hurt. In the end, I hurt him more by keeping the truth from him. Why? Because I literally tricked him into believing we were “OK” so that I didn’t have to face his (and my parents’) negative reactions to the TRUTH. The reality was that I WAS BEING SELFISH BY STAYING IN THE MARRIAGE AND PRETENDING.


In fact, I had to get a serious illness before I could finally face the truth.


I hope it doesn’t come down to this for you. I went through a lot of pain. I’m sure you’re probably going through a lot too.


Here’s the good new – you don’t have to.


You have a CHOICE. You can be REAL and AUTHENTIC and have the courage to face whatever lies ahead OR or you can live the rest of your life pretending and full of obligation.


Your choice.


I know. It isn’t easy.


But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When you do your own personal growth work and have the courage to take 100% responsibility for your own happiness, you’ll find that what is best for you ends up being what is best for the other person (even it if doesn’t seem like it at the beginning).


My ex-husband is now in a relationship with a lovely woman who is his match. They have an amazing little daughter and I can truly say he is much much happier than he ever was married to me.


I highly encourage you to get some counseling or coaching as soon as possible. You need the support.



Dr. Karen Kan



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Too Short To Be Lovable?

Posted on 07 March 2008 by Dr. Karen

I decided to include this heartfelt letter as part of my blog. Mr. P. writes:“Hi Dear Dr. Karen. I am 22 y.o. Iranian, height 166 cm and Weight 120 kg. I am so depressed because I think no girl or woman on the planet will love me. I don’t have a girlfriend. I think that my entire problem is caused by my short stature. I have thought about suicide four times, help me..”Dear Mr. P.,I am easily able to feel your deep sadness. In fact, I had a little cry just to release the feeling from my body. I understand your sadness. I’ve been there before my friend. You are not as alone as you think.

As part of my healer work, I asked the Angels to help you. Two volunteered to be by your side, day and night. I don’t know if you can feel their presence, but they want you to know that you are loved. It’s OK even if you don’t believe in Angels. I’ve seen many a miracle in my life, so I have no doubt they exist.

Now, let’s take a look at your beliefs. Beliefs manifest our reality. I love the saying “I’ll See it when I believe it” which is why I put the quote on a T-shirt at my Law of Attraction Store. Mr. P., your belief is that no woman would ever love you because of your height. I’m assuming that you are judging your height as being too short, right?

Can I ask you one question? Would you be willing to change your beliefs? In other words, would you be willing to let go of the belief that you can’t be loved because you are “too short”? You see, in your reality, it may feel “true”, but that is because you have created your reality with your belief. In my world, I see plenty of short men who are happily in relationship. In fact, my friend Garry is shorter than you are and is an Asian man.

I grew up with the belief in my Chinese culture that tall women were very unattractive. My mother told me that because she is taller than most Chinese men. She spent the greater part of her life hunched over to hide her tallness. Nowadays she looks like a model. In the North American culture, she is absolutely stunningly beautiful at 5 foot 7 inches! See, in my culture, it was the woman’s height that was the issue, not the man’s! My friend Garry is happily married to a Caucasian woman who is at least 4 inches taller and they have a beautiful little girl.

When you believe something, the Universe will rearrange itself to make you RIGHT. In my eBook, Creating Your Fairytale Love Life in Chapter 5, I show you some techniques you can use to “change” your belief state, so you may wish to take advantage of the exercises and videos in that chapter.

I can tell you that in my world, Mr. P., there is no such thing as too short, too tall, too weird, too fat etc. Everyone can and deserves to be loved. The question is –  do you love yourself?

The girlfriend that you wish for is not there to give you what you cannot give yourself (love). Many people (so you are not alone) are looking for someone to love them so they will feel lovable. The opposite needs to happen in order to manifest a wonderful relationship. You must love and appreciate yourself first in order to attract the wonderful relationship.

There is a Secret nobody told us when we were kids. The “other” person in a relationship is not there to make us whole! They are not supposed to be responsible for making us happy or feel loved. Nope! Do you want to know the real purpose for relationships? The REAL purpose for relationships is to grow ourselves spiritually…that’s it. That’s all.

So Dear Mr. P. You may not believe me, but you are already loved. The substance from which we all come, that which I call The Universe (others call The One, God, Divine etc.) loves you. Now it is your turn to love you.

If you REALLY want change, here is your homework assignment. I really hope you take this challenge and run with it: For the next 30 days, everyday create a list of at least 10 things you love and appreciate about yourself. While you are writing, if any negative thought comes up, just say “cancel” or “pass” and keep writing, focusing on the positive. It could be that you appreciate yourself because you have great rhythm and you love to dance, or that you are extremely kind to your parents, or that you absolutely love history books etc. It doesn’t matter what it is, just make a new habit of appreciating yourself daily.

While you are writing, remember to really FEEL the feelings of appreciation. It is the MAGNETIC substance that draws what we want into our lives. The truth in my situation was that when I began truly appreciating my qualities rather than criticizing myself most of the time, it was the start of the happiest time of my life.

Lastly, Mr. P. I highly recommend that you consider taking the Enlighted Warrior Training Camp http://www.enlightenedwarrior.com  run by Peak Potentials training. Year after year there are stories of people on the edge of suicide when they arrive at the camp and they leave a completely changed person…strong, compassionate and empowered. You can receive a discount on tuition, I believe, by being referred by a graduate so I will give you my referral number: 232364.

It is important for you to receive support. Having suicidal thoughts is very serious and I urge you to seek professional care as soon as possible. Talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to an empathetic counselor or psychologist. I also suggest that you read the new bestseller by Marci Shimoff, Happy for No Reason.


Dr. Karen

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