Tag Archive | "relationship problems"

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Dear Dr. Karen: Do You Believe in the No Contact Rule in Break Ups?

Posted on 03 May 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

Have you heard of the No Contact Rule when it comes to break ups? Do you think that really works? My boyfriend broke up with me on Christmas Day because he thinks I lied to him and told me to never speak to him again. I didn’t do what he said. We’ve had no contact since the Tuesday before Christmas. I’ve been trying to let go but still anguishing waiting for him to contact me at least by phone stating he needs to talk to me. Do you believe in the No Contact rule?

Donna

Dear Donna,

Great question Donna. I can imagine the anguish you must feel when you feel you’ve done nothing wrong and you can’t explain yourself to your boyfriend. Frustrating I would imagine.

It neither believe or dis-believe in the “no contact” rule. It has nothing to do with belief.

Your boyfriend had a very serious reaction to whatever he thought you did. It probably touched his “core wound” and the pain was so great that he did whatever he felt was best to shield himself from further wounding. The fact that you didn’t mean to do any harm is besides the point. It is his perception that he is relying on. That’s all he has. And his perceptions are based in his “relationship blueprint” from childhood.

If his actions seem unreasonable to you, it is further evidence of this “wounding” I’m talking about. He is not consciously aware of this wounding so his actions will seem perfectly “logical” to him. For example, if he witnessed his father “lying” to his mother and how upset she was when he was a young boy, he will react violently to anything remotely similar in his adult life. See if you can feel a little bit of understanding and compassion now that you know this.

The one action you can take is to respect his space and his request for non-contact. I know this sounds very difficult, but trust me, if you push for contact, you will lose his trust further. I had an old boyfriend who didn’t respect my wish for non-contact and insisted on leaving messages on my voicemail. I lost trust because he didn’t respect my wish for space. The message I got was,

“You SHOULDN’T need space. I know better than you do what you need. My needs are more important than yours. You’re opinions and wishes are unimportant and wrong.”

Of course, that is not what he meant. But by calling me when I told him NOT to showed me that he cared more about what he needed than what I needed.

So, your best move is to wait and heal. There is one law of attraction exercise you can do to mend things quickly. I can’t promise you WHEN it will happen, only that it WILL. Your willingness and diligence in doing this exercise authentically will show up in your results.

Here’s the exercise. Because he has asked for non-contact, you are not permitted to call, email, snail mail your ex unless he explicitedly allows it. I suppose if he told you not to call him, you could use a loop hole and write him a letter. But only you know what he TRULY meant. Likely, he meant NO contact whatsoever, so don’t manipulate the situation just because you can.

Everything is Energy. You can still communicate to him…even one-sided. Here’s what you do: every day for at least 30 days straight, write your ex a virtual letter. In this letter, you will do your best to communicate your love, respect and understanding to your ex. You’ll tell him exactly what you love about him and why you miss him. You can even explain what “happened” as if he were standing there listening to you. You can ask for forgiveness from him.

You can be as creative as you want to be. It is important that the Energy of the letter be one of love and understanding, not one of neediness or accusations.

You see, since everything is energy, even if you don’t literally send the letter to your ex, he will RECEIVE it energetically. Yes! He will actually receive the messages you write in vibrational form. He will not know you are communicating to him consciously, but unconsciously the messages will enter his energy field. His unconscious will filter and let in whatever messages most resonate.

If YOU feel the love when you write the letter, he will FEEL it too. That’s the beauty of this exercise. I can’t tell you how many times this simple exercise has created peace where there was conflict. Are you willing to take this action? Is your relationship important enough to do it?

This is my challenge to you. Let me know after 30 days how things are going for you.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

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Dear Dr. Karen: My Family Is Pressuring Me to Just Find “Anyone” But I’m Waiting For My Soulmate

Posted on 12 April 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

My questions is how do I stop other negative people from getting me down. I’ve been working very hard to accept myself and to find happiness within myself before I can attract my soul mate. But my sister and friends constantly pressure me to go out there and just find ”someone”. I just don”t want to settle with someone, I want to find ”the one” and I’m just not ready yet. I feel that this is something very difficult for them to understand, but what can I do to block this external negativity from hindering my progress?

Thanks,

Ali

Dear Ali,

I can empathize with your situation. Often those close to us can’t understand why we don’t see things the way they do. They are coming from an old paradigm that you no longer resonate with. I have a few suggestions for you to help you cope.

Allow your friends and family to have their point of view without criticism. Just accept that they are coming from a different vibration – a vibration of scarcity “there isn’t enough so hurry up and find one soon!” In allowing them their point of view, it doesn’t mean sitting there passively and letting them nag you. You can be assertive. You can tell them when they start in,

“I understand where you are coming from. I can feel that you have my best interests at heart and I appreciate that. That being said, I also cannot do what doesn’t feel right for me. Just like I wouldn’t want you to do something I’d want you do to if it didn’t feel right for you, I hope you can understand. Thank you for your loving concern. I can feel your love for me.”

When you read what I just wrote, how does that feel to you? Can you imagine what that would feel like (in your own words and with genuine emotion) to your loved ones? Understand that they aren’t trying to control you because they like controlling. They are trying to get you to do what they want you to do because they are scared for you and are projecting that fear onto your life. You don’t have to fall prey to it. You just want to understand the core of why they are doing it and understand that their intentions are good.

Despite your best efforts to state where you stand, lovingly and compassionately, if you are still getting “advice” from all sides and you feel overwhelmed, then it may do you good to take some space from these well-meaning friends and relatives. That means not “hanging out” with them as much.

I remember a time when every time I called my mother, my perception was that she was criticizing me. This was during medical school where I was stressed out from lack of sleep and a ton of homework. Believe me, I had no energy to be understanding or compassionate to her criticism! So instead I stopped calling and when she criticized me for that, I explained to her that I’d rather call her because I wanted to rather than because I felt obligated to. She didn’t like that very much, but after a while she got the hint and our phone calls became much more supportive and enjoyable.

One of the “risks” of changing yourself or growing yourself to a new level of consciousness or higher vibration is that often our old friends and our families don’t come along for the ride. We end up leaving them behind energetically. Understand that that is a natural progression and although it is sad at first, you will be making room for many, many more friends that WILL support you and see your VISION for your grand future. See if you can work on being OK with “losing” your old friends because they no longer serve you and vice versa. Eventually, you just don’t keep in touch as much. It is a natural and not necessarily violent transition. The FORM of your relationship just changes.

You are the one that needs to let go of their approval and their attention. Once you are no longer attached to your friends being your only friends any more and are open to newer friends who you resonate with, you will find a world of loving support waiting for you.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

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Dear Dr. Karen: How Can I Get My Husband to Stop Connecting With Other Women?

Posted on 03 April 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

I want to know how make my husband less interested in other women.  He chats on the net all the time and I found out that he has been telephone calls with two women but I am sure he hasn’t cheated on me yet.  This knowledge is hurting me – the thought that he doesn’t love me or find me as attractive as before. He didn’t think of anyone else before. Please tell me what to do, but don’t tell me to tell him since he will know that I am spying on him again, and he will get away from me more. How do I use the law of attraction in my case? I have a 5 year old daughter that he loves very much. He loves me I know but may be not like before.  I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

Talin

Dear Talin,

It sounds like your husband has caught you spying on him before. He probably feels you don’t trust him. If you don’t trust him, why should he be trustworthy? You do not have the power to control your husband and that is what you are wanting to do. You cannot make him less interested in other women. What you CAN do is work to become more interested in HIM and more INTERESTING to him. No guarantees of course!

He may be attracted to other women because they are perceived as being interested in him. All of us are naturally attracted to others who see us as beautiful and wonderful. It can even be intoxicating to have admirers.

If you’ve chosen not to tell the truth about your spying, you have a couple of choices. You can continue living in deceit by continuing to purposefully spy on your husband or you can come clean and start on a new page. If you decide to continue spying on him, it is unlikely that your energy will shift to the degree that will be attractive to him. Even if he doesn’t know you are spying on him, his energetic body can sense the mistrust coming form your energetic body and he will become less and less attracted to you.

If you either share with him what you are doing and let him know that you are sorry and that you did it because you were terrified of losing his love, he may understand and forgive you. It is up to him. Stop spying on him and work on creating a more emotionally intimate relationship with your husband.

Good relationships are based on truth. Both of you have developed habits that create distance as opposed to intimacy. At least you have control over your actions. By trying to control him, you are pushing him away. I’m not saying you should do nothing because that clearly is not helpful either.

What you really need to do is address and share with your partner your underlying fear of losing him. Share with him that you are afraid that he is finding you less attractive and may be more interested in other women. Share with him that you are afraid he will leave you and your child. Don’t expect him to be truthful necessarily, but at least you can stop holding secrets that will undermine your relationship. Ask him what you can do to be more attractive to him. Listen carefully. See if anything he says resonates with you.

I can tell you a couple of ways you can start treating your husband so that he is more attracted to you:

1. View him as your hero and tell him so. When my partner James does something that I won’t or can’t do – like move a bunch of logs or climb up onto the roof and scrape snow off it – I give him lots of hugs and kisses and appreciation and tell him he’s my hero. He feels very good and masculine and it is very fun.

2. Every day for the next 30 days, tell him what you appreciate about him at least once a day, preferably more. AND

3. Refrain from criticizing him. Instead if something is bothering you, share how it makes you feel rather than criticizing.

Example: “John, how many times do I have to ask you to take out the garbage? Can’t you remember anything?!!”

versus

“Gee John, I’m noticing myself feeling frustrated that the garbage is still here after you agreed to take it out. I really don’t like feeling this way and I don’t want to feel angry at you. I’m not really sure what to say or do about the situation. Do you have some suggestions?”

Granted the latter requires some practice to master. Believe me, I’m still working on it…I have to THINK carefully before I open my mouth sometimes! But you know, it is really worth it!

You will see results in less than a week. Mostly it occurs in less than 24 hours if you are genuinely trying.

I sense there are some major relationship blueprint issues that have caused you to co-create this uncomfortable situation. I would highly recommend you get some personalized one-on-one coaching or counseling. This is not a quick fix. But I hope my suggestions have been helpful to you.

In summary: the best way to change the situation is to change yourself (your behavior)

Warmly,

Dr. Karen Kan

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