Hi Dr. Karen, Thanks for allowing yourself to be an instrument to help others. My question is this I’m in love with a man that simply doesn’t love me. It’s taken me a long time to accept this. Finally I’ve reach the place where I have accepted it. Yet it’s extremely painful. My question is how do I now move on to the next step of being open to this place of pain.  Do I just remain in pain until it stops?

Thanks,  Hurting in VA

Dear Hurting in VA:

Unreciprocated love can indeed be painful for us. At times, it just doesn’t seem fair, does it? But who says things are supposed to be fair anyway.

I give you a lot of credit for understanding that it is important to accept that he doesn’t love you back. Even more important though, is the question: Do you feel you are lovable? Just because he didn’t love you only means that he wasn’t your ideal match and that the Universe was making sure you were getting pretty clear signs that that was the case!

In order to attract your ideal partner, one that reciprocates your love, you must believe and FEEL you are completely lovable. Not everyone in the world needs to love you, of course, but YOU must love you. It may even be a bit humorous and healing to imagine that anyone (including this man) would be absolutely CRAZY not to love you! You ARE so wonderful afterall!!

Are you smiling yet? Even just a bit?

As far as your question about remaining in pain, let me assure you that the pain is temporary. However, there are ways in which we keep the pain going for longer than necessary. One of these ways is resisting being in pain. The more we resist, the more it persists.

Why do we resist? Well, because it doesn’t feel good does it? So try this on for size. Instead of resisting the pain because you don’t know when it will end and you are afraid to feel it fully, set aside a designated period of time for you to totally immerse yourself in pain. Allow yourself to fully say all those things that keep you in pain, not because I necessarily want you to believe them, but because I want you to consciously work with your pain not resist it. Set the timer for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes or however long you wish to FEEL. During that time, you allow yourself to be fully immersed in your feeling without distraction. Do not resist the tears, the anger, the frustration, the fear. Just let it all out. Beat on a pillow if you have to. Just know that you have a designated time you are permitting yourself to feel.

Once your time is up, it’s up. Switch gears. If you notice residual things coming up, just set them aside for your next “session”. Go on about your business in the NOW. If your mind wanders to self-defeating thoughts, learn to switch gears. You may have to switch thoughts over and over again, but that’s OK. It is a practice..like yoga or meditation.

What you’ll find over time, is that by giving yourself permission to fully feel whatever it is you feel, you release the resistance around it and it will eventually dissapate much quicker. Don’t be attached to getting rid of the pain quickly. Pain is a great teacher if you allow yourself to see its wisdom.

When you have allowed yourself to experiment with feeling the pain fully, it is possible that you cannot hold that level of vibration for very long before your body wishes to naturally switch gears. Be compassionate with yourself. Forcing yourself NOT to feel pain is adding to the pain. Just because you may have been taught that in order to use the law of attraction to manifest what you want, you must be positive, it doesn’t mean that you are supposed to be in a good mood all the time. In fact, resisting so-called negative emotions is counterproductive when you are consciously harnessing the law of attraction.

The Universe can sense when you are in resistance and it will give you more things to resist!

You may wish to try EFT (emotional freedom technique) or the Sedona Method or check out Byron Katie’s work to help move your emotions to a higher vibration.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

Dear Dr. Karen:

My husband has had 2 flings since we have been married which is only 3 years and both of these women he had dated before we met. He said they meant nothing and can we move on from it but one of them had a child for him, (she was pregnant when he met me but said she meant nothing to him), apparently he told her he had met someone he wanted to marry, me, and they split up, obviously they were still dating and she got pregnant thinking he would not marry me, she them turned up a couple of months later saying he was the father, he told her to get lost and did not see her or the child until it was 13 months old, this was a shock to him, he thinks the child looks like him, so he has accepted that it is his.

The flings were a year ago just after he had re-met her and the baby, the other girl was also a previous girlfriend. So why did this happen? It hurts me to think of it.  I know I should put it out of my mind but I do not seem to be able to  have the right affirmation in my head to do this. I just keep saying over and over if you did not care for them before and ended it to be with me because you love me and wanted to marry me, why did you then go back and sleep with them again? he says he wanted to make sure!!

Please help me sort it out in my head, at the moment I do not feel very trusting with him and would like to regain my sanity again. He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, why cant I just accept this and move on - why is it all still painful?

Jane

Dear Jane,

Of course you feel pain still, because on some level your relationship issues with your husband have not resolved. You don’t trust him. I don’t blame you. It is very difficult to trust your lover once an affair has happened…or two for that matter.

But let me have you change your perspective for a moment. Pretend you are the other woman. Pretend it is you who had the baby and your husband rejected you…dumped you for another woman. How would you feel? How would you feel knowing that he didn’t want anything to do with you or the baby? That he didn’t intend on supporting you? That hurts too doesn’t it?

One thing that you may wish to understand is that men (and I’m generalizing here) can more easily separate the act of sex from actual heart-based connection. In other words, when women have sex, their heart is almost always involved. When men have sex, it doesn’t have to be.

It could very well be true that these women “meant nothing” to your husband. But personally, I find that kind of scary and disturbing. How would you like to “mean nothing” to someone after they’ve had sex with you or been dating you for some time? It would feel kind of rotten to most women, would you agree? My preference is to be with someone who values another life. It’s not about who’s better and it’s not about competing with other women. We are all ONE. If they are less in your eyes because they had the affair, then you are literally lessening yourself and eroding yourself. See if you can see them all with eyes of compassion. And most of all, be compassionate with yourself.

You can’t change your husband. He’s probably too scared to tell you the truth, whatever that truth is (he probably doesn’t even know on a conscious level). It could be that having one sexual partner in his lifetime is unbearable but he’s trying to conform to the “norm” in our society. Or it could be that if he had it his way, he’d have three wonderful lovers that all got along. You can’t change your husband. You can only change your own reaction.

Your affirmation could very well be, “I live a peaceful, loving and connected relationship with my husband” or “I trust my husband”. And according to John Kehoe, Godfather of the law of attraction, you don’t have to actually believe in your affirmations. By forcing yourself to, you may actually nullify it’s beneficial effects.

Tell your husband daily what you appreciate about him. Reward him whenever he supports you in a loving way. If you wish to stay with him, then learn to trust him, or at least get clear with him on what his needs really are and what your needs really are. Clarity may mean telling him that you trust him and that you really feel best in a monogamous relationship. If that changes for him in the future, then you’d appreciate him telling you the truth, in which case you will do X. (eg. ask him to move out)

You can only change your reaction. A read once about a woman who was married to an alcoholic man. He was enraged whenever he drank and he became violent. She kept protecting him, forgiving him and rescuing him, until she could go on any longer. She went to Al-Anon, an organization to support caregivers of alcoholics and drug addicted people. After getting support for months, she was brave enough to tell him that she loved him, that she wanted to stay married to him, but that she couldn’t accept the alcoholism anymore and she moved out.

He tried to win her back. But she persisted. It was hard for her to do. But he finally decided that his relationship was more important than the alcohol, so he went to Alcoholics Anonymous. It wasn’t until months went by (and he was sober) that she moved back in with him.

She helped him the most by gently and compassionately telling him her boundaries and the consequences for overstepping them. It was his choice after that.

You may be in a similar situation.

I feel for you. Get some counseling yourself. You need the support. Don’t wait for your husband to get it. He doesn’t need it. You do. You’re the one in pain.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan