Dear Dr. Karen,

I have been married to my husband for 20 years and we have children. Even before we were married, he cheated on me. And he has time and time again! He lies and gets very defensive when I confront him, but eventually the truth comes out. I’ve left him seven times but I always go back. I’ve asked him to leave several times as well, but he always comes begging me to take him back.

And I always take him back because I love him so much. I still love him. I am tired of being hurt by him, but I remain suspicious that he’s seeing someone else behind my back. This way of life has tampered with my self-esteem and in search of solutions I have tried everything.

I now have come across the Law of Attraction but my doubts are still there: does he really love me and want to be with me? and can a situation like this change using the Law of Attraction? Please help!

Nina

Dear Nina,

Thanks for your honest letter. I hope my answer will be helpful to you. But first, I have a question for you?

What are you expecting the Law of Attraction to do for you?

Are you expecting it to magically change your husband so that he isn’t the “cheating type” any longer? Because if that is the case, then I can tell you very easily that the Law of Attraction doesn’t work this way. We can’t use the Law of Attraction to change other people against their free will.

However, what you CAN use the Law of Attraction for is to create happiness for yourself. Whether your husband is part of that ultimate happiness is up to you and the Universe to co-create together. Your Law of Attraction “wish” statement could be something like:

I am thoroughly enjoying a fulfilling romantic relationship with my soulmate.

Sometimes we fool ourselves in thinking we truly love someone when we only truly love certain parts, or aspects, of them. What I mean by this is that you seem to enjoy enough aspects of your spouse to keep him around. But there are aspects of him that you don’t like so you aren’t truly happy. Isn’t that right?

So here’s the truth of the matter:

• the highest form of love means being able to accept who our lovers are without judgment or expectation, but that doesn’t mean that you always like or enjoy what they are doing. There is a difference.
• you can’t change another person. You don’t have that kind of control. You can only change yourself and your reactions to situations. When you can change yourself and be fully responsible for your own happiness, then you’ll see the relationship shift remarkably.

So you have a couple of very simple choices here Nina. It is high time you took 100% responsibility for your experiences. He is not responsible for your unhappiness, you are. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you’ve been on this yo-yo ride for over 20 years now. When will you decide to change your experience? When will you realize that what you’ve been doing all these years doesn’t work?

Here are some choices:

You can choose to accept that your husband “cheats”,  and in that acceptance, you can enjoy him as much as possible when he’s around, and give up trying to change or criticize him for not being who you think he should be (the equivalent of telling a bear that it should acting like an antelope)

Do something drastically different for a change maybe. For example,  study books on open marriages or polyamory and see if any of those resonate with either of you. If “cheating” was genetic, like diabetes, would you be as judgmental of it? Probably not. I’m not saying it is, but what if it was?

Just trying to open minds here…

How about this new thought pattern: Can you entertain the possibility that your husband loving other people in no way diminishes his love for you? Does a candle flame diminish when it lights another candle? Love is light. Think about that.

I’m bringing this up because we’ve been unconsciously indoctrinated in the concept that the ONLY way a relationship can be successful is through monogamy. Anytime there is an absolute rule, we all should be questioning it’s validity, because somewhere, sometime, long ago, someone made that rule in order to control others.

Remember, it wasn’t long ago when women and children were considered a man’s property. And in some parts of the world, they still are (sigh!).

So Nina, in summary, you can either change your perspective (by letting go of victim-hood, judgment or expectations) or change your situation by leaving, but you can’t change him. Got it? Hope so.

So if you’re not willing to leave because having him around is BETTER than not having him around, then just admit to yourself that you’ve CHOSEN this relationship in its current form and stop being the victim. You’re not the victim here. You’re choosing this. When you can be compassionate with yourself about choosing this relationship, then you can let go of all the judgment of how imperfect it is and just ENJOY your husband.

If these steps seem too difficult for you, as I imagine they might be, I suggest that you book yourself into seeing a relationship coach or counselor and get some support. We all need support for our spiritual and personal growth, so I encourage you to be courageous and find an expert that you resonate with.

In the meantime, I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Neale Donald Walsch’s book on Relationships and read it over and over again:

You can also listen to the interview I did with him HERE.

I believe in you Nina. Thanks for helping others with your question.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan
P.S. Anyone reading this post, feel free to comment.

With Kim Olver’s new book, Secrets of Happy Couples: Loving Yourself, Your Partner, and Your Life, you’ll have a more loving and satisfying relationship. Because of my relationship with Kim, you got a sneak peak at the valuable advice in the book via the Law of Attraction in Love Radio Show on Monday January 31^st when I interviewed Kim before the official launch of her book! If you didn’t get a chance to catch it live, you can listen to or download the archives for f’ree!

Secrets of Happy Couples explains:

• Exclusive insights and suggestions gained by researching and surveying happy couples
• Practical advice from a range of experts synthesized into learnable lessons
• Tips for identifying problems and what to do about them
• A unique and novel 3-step process for surviving affairs
• The power of moving beyond “tolerating” differences to truly appreciating them
• How to meet your partner’s needs and your own at the same time

PLUS!  If you purchase TODAY you will receive more than 60 phenomenal free gifts valued at over $3,500.00! But you must purchase NOW to get your free gifts! Go to  http://www.SecretsofHappyCouples.com

I wholeheartedly recommend this book to people looking for a more satisfying relationship in their lives (and that’s not just because I was one of the “experts” interviewed for the book)!  Whether you are looking for your ultimate love relationship or hoping to improve the one you already have, Secrets of Happy Couples will provide you with a roadmap to a happy, fulfilling and satisfied relationship.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

PS This is one of the books I will be recommending from now on, to everyone, as one of their relationship “bibles”. Why? Because the information in it is FUNDAMENTAL. Kim has done a wonderful job putting this book together and it is an easy read.

Dr. Karen,

Brian

Dear Brian,

I hear your deep love and concern for your wife. You may be accurate that she may be suffering from depression. Here are some tell-tale signs:

- Crying spells or pronounced irritability
- Unnatural weight gain or loss
- Depressed mood for over 3 weeks
- Losing interest in things she loved (hobbies)
- Poor appetite
- Less socialization with friends
- Suicidal threats/thoughts

If she will not listen to you, then I suggest that unless you feel she is a suicidal threat, it would be best to respect her wishes. Let her know that you love her and are concerned that she may be suffering from depression, but since she doesn’t want to be in relationship with you, you will respect her wishes for distance. However, encourage her to connect with good friends for support since you won’t be there.

You’ll have to use your intuition on this one. You may wish to contact a mutual trusted friend or two and share your concern about possible depression. Ask them to give her emotional support and encourage her to see a doctor if they are agreeable. If you know her doctor, you can also call or write to her doctor with your concerns, but let your wife know when you do. The tricky part is that she may consider your actions invasive so you MUST have your intentions clear. You are NOT contacting your friends to spy on her or to force her to do anything. You are just requesting support and then giving your wife the space she feels she needs from you.

If you are overly invasive, your wife will push you further away. She’ll be able to sense your “attachment” to getting back together. You can let her know that you’re open to doing what you can to support her and you’ll do your very best to give her the space she feels she needs. Tell her that she can contact you if she wishes but you’ll refrain from contacting her unless absolutely necessary.

Then what I suggest for you is to get your own counselor. Model the behavior you’d like to see, even if she doesn’t know you’re seeing one. Energetically, you’ll be helping both of you by seeking help yourself. You’re feeling loss, so you can’t help her if you don’t get support as well.

Here’s one exercise that can do wonders while you are giving your wife “space”: Every day, in private, journal all the things you appreciate about her. Write down what her strengths are, what you enjoy about her and how she makes you feel. In doing this exercise, you are literally sending her healing energy waves that will help her depression if she indeed suffers from it. She’ll begin feeling relaxed and calmer when she thinks about you rather than angry and resentful.

One thing I want you to keep in mind, Brian. When I was separating from my husband, I was depressed as well. The reason was this: because of my culture and religion, I believed I was “bad” by choosing to separate. But I couldn’t stand being “ill” any longer, so I finally separated from my husband. When I finally felt I had a choice and I was making the right choice for me (despite arguments from my husband and my parents), my depression magically disappeared without having to take any drugs. Did I get help? You betcha! I had a team of counselors, healers and enlightened friends that supported me. I didn’t do it without support!

So Brian, lovingly give her “virtual” support through your Appreciation Journaling. Believe me, it works wonders if you are doing it with clear and unattached intention.

Blessings,
Dr. Karen Kan

Here’s a great letter from Jan:

Dear Dr. Karen,

Jan

Dear Jan,

What you face is uncomfortable and unfortunately very common. Do you ever wonder why you’re in this situation?

Here’s the answer:

You attracted an alcoholic husband so that you could heal a deep part of yourself that needs healing from childhood. Your husband is a mirror. He represents a part of you that you have rejected and do not love fully.

We call that The Shadow. To learn more about the shadow, I highly recommend that you view this film (preferably with your husband when he is sober and if he is agreeable), The Shadow Effect.

Everyone that we attract into our lives represents different facets of ourselves (the Law of Attraction). Our relationships can either be life-affirming or not. Some of the people we attract are representations of our Shadow. Your husband is one of those people.

I’m assuming you have children when you refer to your “family”. Your number one responsibility as a parent to your child is to lovingly model what you would like their lives to be. No matter what you SAY or TELL them to do, they will, on some level, model after one parent or the other (or both).

So what are you modeling right now?

Are you happy? I can see that you are not. So as each day goes by, you are teaching your children how to be unhappy. This may sound harsh, but I want to level with you.

Unless you get some support (and I mean MAJOR support) in your life right now to make some changes, you are literally sentencing those you love, your children, to a very difficult future. They will not have a healthy model of how to be happy. They will not have a healthy model of how to have a healthy love relationship.

You are so afraid of breaking up your family that you suffer from your inaction to do anything about it. Guess what? You’re family is already breaking up. You just can’t see it because you are willing to live this lie in front of your children in the guise that it is good for them.

It is not.

They know. Maybe not on a conscious level, but the negativity is seeping into their pores and you are letting it happen.

Do you love them enough to change?

Do you love them enough to do whatever it takes to figure out how to be happy so that you can model authentic joy and love?

Do you love them enough to stop waiting for your husband to change and instead, get some real help so that you can live the life of joy you were meant to live.

If what I say causes tears, I understand. If you were standing here in front of me, I would give you a hug, then hold you by the shoulders and look deeply into your eyes and tell you,

“You can do it. You are not alone. I believe in you. You will find a way.”

So to answer your question more directly, here’s my advice:

1. Get support. Call a trusted friend and have her take you to an Al-Anon meeting every week. You won’t feel like you’re all alone anymore.

2. Read Melanie Beatty’s book, Co-Dependent No More starting tomorrow. And when you’re done, read the next book, Beyond Co-dependency. You can find these at the Law of Attraction in Love Bookstore.

3. Write down your intentions on exactly HOW you want your life to look…and make sure none of what you wish to manifest depends on your husband changing anything.

4. With the support of your Al-Anon or a counselor, take action to change your life. Your dream will not manifest without action.

From the patients I have had that have gone through what you’re going through and come out the other side, I can share with you that “breaking up your family” is one of the least harmful things you can do.

I can guarantee your husband WON’T change if you don’t. If you do decide to leave him, expect begging and pleading and promises to change. If you love him sober and wish to be with him that way, then consider waiting for at least six months of sobriety and AA meetings (for him) before you even entertain the notion of moving back in with him.

Sometimes, when an alcoholic knows that he is going to lose everything he value most, it is the motivation they need to change. Sometimes, it isn’t enough. But if that’s the case, then you know that you and the children don’t rank (and why would you want to stay in that kind of relationship anyway?)

I wish you the best. Go get some help today!

When you get a chance please connect with me on FaceBook and Twitter.

Blessings,
Dr. Karen Kan