Lynn

Dear Lynn,

It doesn’t really matter whether we use the label “player” or not. What matters is what YOU want in your love life. It sounds to me that you can’t help but be attracted to someone who is unavailable and, if I may say so, not strong enough to tell the truth (not that I’m saying he should). I’m not sure why his girlfiend’s jealousy has anything to do with your confusion. Just because she is jealous does not necessarily mean that you are more important in the eyes this man. Women are fairly intuitive and she probably knows he is “fooling around” behind her back. Yet, she is probably too scared to do anything about it.

In my experience, it is highly unlikely that this man will either marry his girlfriend (unless she gives him an ultimatum) or dump her. He has the best of both worlds. He gets to be in a “secure” relationship and still fool around. What if you knew he had affairs with other women besides yourself. Would that matter to you?

Have you asked him about leaving his girlfriend? I bet you his answer would be a solid “no”. Why? Because although he thoroughly enjoyed your connection, he doesn’t want it enough to give up what he already has with his girlfriend. You just made it easy for him to get the best of both worlds. Alas, your heart is still stuck on him. I don’t blame you. I sense that he is very charming. He may be less than charming if he were your primary relationship. It’s just the way it is sometimes.

So do you really think that if he dumped his girlfriend and went out with you that he would be faithful to you? Not likely. His faithfulness has nothing to do with the woman he’s with and has everything to do with a habit he has learned and has been ingrained in his psyche for many many years. It’s not that he is a bad person. Not at all! He just has a habit of not being totally committed….or at least has a habit of not being able to be truthful to what he really wants (multiple romantic or sexual partners).

If you want a monogamous relationship, then you will need to look elsewhere and let go of this relationship as soon as possible. Monogamy isn’t his style and it isn’t up to you to change him. He has to want to change. And why should he? He may be completely happy where he is at. Or at least he wants to stay in his comfort zone.

Why do you think you’ve attracted someone who is unavailable? That is the million dollar question! There is a good reason for it…you have to investigate how it resonates with your past relationship patterns. Who was unavailable to you in your childhood? How were your relationships split when you were young? When you discover WHY you have this pattern, then you can manifest a better partner who will fulfill what you consciously want in a love partner. It could very well be that YOU are the one who is scared in committing and thus tend to unconsciously gravitate toward partners who are unavailable! Think about that one!

Lynn, the bottom line is that you know deep down that this relationship is not serving you and your happiness. Don’t expect the other person to change. Let go of it so the Universe can bring someone better suited to what you want. To change takes courage. I wish you lots of it.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan
P.S. If it comforts you at all, I want you to know that I was in your shoes many years ago. It took a long time for me to “get over” that special someone, but I had to come to grips with knowing that he wasn’t the best choice for me. Much has changed since then and we are now good friends in our separate romantic relationships. My letting go of him was one of the best (and hardest) things I ever did for myself.

I am not going to bore you with warnings about the potential conflicts that can arise with “office” romances. I am sure you are well aware of the risks. Counselors caution people about having office romances because of conflicts of interest, favoritism, unprofessional conduct etc. However, as long as you are clear on your boundaries in the office setting and don’t bring relationship “issues” into the workplace so that it disturbs your work, a romantic relationship with a colleague can work.

I’m not going to be popular here when I say that office romances can work. However, I am neither encouraging them nor discouraging them. Each case is individual. From my point of view, it is only natural that we are attracted to others at work – we spend a large amount of time in their presence! On the other hand, there are plenty of fish in the sea and to limit yourself to someone at work maybe doing yourself a disservice.

If I am to answer your question directly about how you could use the law of attraction to manifest a relationship with your coworker, I’d simply recommend a daily meditation where you imagine the two of you together enjoying each other’s company. My preference in your case, however, would be to first get a sense of your co-worker’s willingness to be in a romantic relationship with you. If he is not willing or is not interested, I would respect his preference, give him lots of space, and let him go immediately so you can make space for someone who is interested in being with you.

I prefer efficiency. I don’t like wasting my time. I’m sure your time is valuable too. If I were you, I’d be direct and ask your coworker and tell him that you are attracted to him and you’d like to get to know him better and ask if he’d be willing to go on a date with you. Be prepared for whatever answer comes and don’t get attached to any outcome. If he isn’t interested, it only means that THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE MORE APPROPRIATE for you. Be open to the Universe giving you someone BETTER than what you expect.

The law of attraction can’t be used to get another person to feel a certain way (to be attracted to you, for example). We all have the freedom to choose how we feel and no one can force us to feel a way we don’t want to feel. My preference is to be clear on what kind of qualities you wish to manifest in your partner, and do your daily “embodying” meditation with this in mind…not being attached to a particular person you already know fitting the bill (there maybe someone better!). The Universe is always wiser and more creative than we can imagine. To understand how to create your wish list and how to embody, please refer to chapters 2 and 3 of Creating Your Fairytale Love Life eBook.

When I was really needy for a figure skating partner, I was initially so attached to my former skating partner, that I did not allow the Universe to give me someone else. It was only when I let him go emotionally that I was able to receive James, my new partner – the one that is perfectly matched for me, the gift from Heaven. It took me months to let go of the idea that my former partner and I “should” be together. But once I did, magic happened.

Be well, Cheryl, and good luck!

Dr. Karen