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Dear Dr. Karen: How Can I Get My Husband to Stop Connecting With Other Women?

Posted on 03 April 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

I want to know how make my husband less interested in other women.  He chats on the net all the time and I found out that he has been telephone calls with two women but I am sure he hasn’t cheated on me yet.  This knowledge is hurting me – the thought that he doesn’t love me or find me as attractive as before. He didn’t think of anyone else before. Please tell me what to do, but don’t tell me to tell him since he will know that I am spying on him again, and he will get away from me more. How do I use the law of attraction in my case? I have a 5 year old daughter that he loves very much. He loves me I know but may be not like before.  I don’t know what to do. Please help me.


Dear Talin,

It sounds like your husband has caught you spying on him before. He probably feels you don’t trust him. If you don’t trust him, why should he be trustworthy? You do not have the power to control your husband and that is what you are wanting to do. You cannot make him less interested in other women. What you CAN do is work to become more interested in HIM and more INTERESTING to him. No guarantees of course!

He may be attracted to other women because they are perceived as being interested in him. All of us are naturally attracted to others who see us as beautiful and wonderful. It can even be intoxicating to have admirers.

If you’ve chosen not to tell the truth about your spying, you have a couple of choices. You can continue living in deceit by continuing to purposefully spy on your husband or you can come clean and start on a new page. If you decide to continue spying on him, it is unlikely that your energy will shift to the degree that will be attractive to him. Even if he doesn’t know you are spying on him, his energetic body can sense the mistrust coming form your energetic body and he will become less and less attracted to you.

If you either share with him what you are doing and let him know that you are sorry and that you did it because you were terrified of losing his love, he may understand and forgive you. It is up to him. Stop spying on him and work on creating a more emotionally intimate relationship with your husband.

Good relationships are based on truth. Both of you have developed habits that create distance as opposed to intimacy. At least you have control over your actions. By trying to control him, you are pushing him away. I’m not saying you should do nothing because that clearly is not helpful either.

What you really need to do is address and share with your partner your underlying fear of losing him. Share with him that you are afraid that he is finding you less attractive and may be more interested in other women. Share with him that you are afraid he will leave you and your child. Don’t expect him to be truthful necessarily, but at least you can stop holding secrets that will undermine your relationship. Ask him what you can do to be more attractive to him. Listen carefully. See if anything he says resonates with you.

I can tell you a couple of ways you can start treating your husband so that he is more attracted to you:

1. View him as your hero and tell him so. When my partner James does something that I won’t or can’t do – like move a bunch of logs or climb up onto the roof and scrape snow off it – I give him lots of hugs and kisses and appreciation and tell him he’s my hero. He feels very good and masculine and it is very fun.

2. Every day for the next 30 days, tell him what you appreciate about him at least once a day, preferably more. AND

3. Refrain from criticizing him. Instead if something is bothering you, share how it makes you feel rather than criticizing.

Example: “John, how many times do I have to ask you to take out the garbage? Can’t you remember anything?!!”


“Gee John, I’m noticing myself feeling frustrated that the garbage is still here after you agreed to take it out. I really don’t like feeling this way and I don’t want to feel angry at you. I’m not really sure what to say or do about the situation. Do you have some suggestions?”

Granted the latter requires some practice to master. Believe me, I’m still working on it…I have to THINK carefully before I open my mouth sometimes! But you know, it is really worth it!

You will see results in less than a week. Mostly it occurs in less than 24 hours if you are genuinely trying.

I sense there are some major relationship blueprint issues that have caused you to co-create this uncomfortable situation. I would highly recommend you get some personalized one-on-one coaching or counseling. This is not a quick fix. But I hope my suggestions have been helpful to you.

In summary: the best way to change the situation is to change yourself (your behavior)


Dr. Karen Kan

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