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Letter from Stephanie: Do all men cheat?

Posted on 24 February 2013 by Dr. Karen

“Can I Prevent Cheating with the Law of Attraction?”  


Here is a heart-felt letter from Stephanie that I felt compelled to answer right away:

Dear Dr. Karen,
My name is Stephanie and I feel kind of awkward while writing this email mainly because I an far too young for relationships (16 y.o).  My problem is the following: my parents are getting divorced after 17 years of marriage. They never really had any big problems but things got worse when my dad cheated. After endless fights and screamsmy mom and her also-divorced friends decided to “educate” me on maintaining the “love” in the marriage.  After endless hours of talkingthey came to the conclusion that all men cheat and that at some point in my lifemy man will cheat on me too. My parents ‘ relationship has made me unable to trust anyone and I feel that the same things will happen to me too.  I have been using the law of attraction for a couple of years…with “medium ” success but I have only started to fully comprehend its powers in the last few months.

Can I prevent such a cheating behavior with the law of attraction?  Can I have a happy home with a faithful husband?  I really appreciate you taking the time to read this email. I am most thankful for being able to open up my heart to you because I desperately do not want to repeat my family’s mistake.  Thank you very much and I am looking forward to receiving your reply.
Yours faithfully,
Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  Not only are you courageous for wanting to manifest a different love life than your parents and their friends, you are also aware that you have the power within you to do so! Amazing! Way to go girl!

Statistics reveal that many men (and women) are unfaithful in their relationships.  One can either judge this statistic as sad or revealing.  Let’s just suppose that the statistics (http://www.nbcnews.com/id/17951664/ns/health-sexual_health/#.USptyPL3Ow0) are true.  If so then let’s put our open-minded consciousness hats on for a moment so we can ponder these questions:

  1. Can one person truly give us all the love and support we need to completely thrive and live to our fullest potential?
  2. Is there only room in our hearts for one person?
  3. Do we really need sex with more than one person? and if so, why?
  4. Is it reasonable to love more than one person romantically but only save sex for one person?
  5. Is having monogamous sex synonymous with “committed” love? or is it a “reward” of some sort? or an antiquated idea?
  6. Is it possible that humankind can evolve so that we can love more than one person and allow our partners do so the same without jealousy or envy?
  7. Does cheating mean that something is missing in an otherwise good relationship? or is it a natural genetic pull? or a natural energetic pull?
  8. Is our expectation of a sexually faithful spouse even realistic or spiritual?

These are questions I do not have definitive answers to, but they are questions you can ask your inner guidance.  I’m not a history buff, but those that are will tell us that marriage was more of a contract concerning property and ownership (in certain cultures that meant also ownership of the wife) than it was about love.  Monogamous sex has been “proof” of a good marriage, but if you think about it, this has nothing to do with real love. It has more to do with rules.  That being said, open marriages and polyamorous relationships only work with the most enlightened and conscious people who have developed completely open hearts and great communication skills.  I would say that is one in a hundred people.

Most people “cheat” when they no longer feel the spark they used to feel with their partner.  Little do they realize it is because they have now settled into the space where their past programming has come up for healing and resolution.  If they do not resolve the underlying emotional issues within their relationship, they are bound to bring all that baggage into their new relationship.  Isn’t it true that most people blame their partners for their marriage problems instead of looking within to see why they’ve attracted this person into their lives?  Even if a person attracts an abusive partner and eventually decides to leave him/her, she doesn’t have to BLAME that person for being who they are.  Instead she can bless that person for showing her how strong she really is (and how well she can stand up for herself now).

It isn’t so much the extramarital sex that hurts the relationship as much as the lying.  Lying means that you do not trust your partner enough to share with them what you truly want or need in order for your to thrive or grow.  If my partner shared with me that he needed fulfillment outside of our relationship, I would honor him for trusting me with that intimate information.  And if I truly loved him unconditionally, I would bless him to do whatever he felt was best for him.  It doesn’t mean that our relationship wouldn’t change in form, but it means that our love is deep enough that we aren’t scared to be who we really are.

If we no longer have jealousy or envy when it comes to our relationships, then we know we’ve really evolved as a species! So far, this is not our common everyday reality, but one day it might be! Unconditional love is possible!

Stephanie, let’s get back to you.  Can you prevent the cheating behavior?  Well, it depends.  If your partner trusts you enough to tell you the truth, then yes.  Instead of cheating on you, he’d be willing to tell you what he’s feeling.  Which would you prefer?  You can’t prevent another person from being attracted to someone else.  But if you’re willing to let them feel whatever they feel, they will trust and love you more.  You see, if you don’t trust someone, they won’t trust you.  Like attracts Like.  That’s the Law of Attraction.  I know you already know that.  When our partners lie, it is because they are afraid of telling us the truth.  They are afraid of our reaction.  If you routinely react with loving kindness and understanding while at the same time maintaining healthy boundaries, you have the basis for fabulous thriving relationships! It’s not easy, but it is something for all of us to strive for.

Yes, you can have a faithful husband if you want, but you first have to decide why it is important to you?  Just because society feels that the ideal relationship form is a lifetime of sexually monogamy, it doesn’t meant that it is necessarily the healthiest or even the most spiritual.  After reading Neale Donald Walsch’s Conversations with God series, I had a renewed sense of openness when it comes to relationships.  Seeing it from “God’s” perspective, so to speak, comforted me that we are not all that “bad” or “corrupt” as human beings.  It’s all about choice and love, not about rules or fear.  If we fear our partners will be unfaithful, that fear will bring that reality crashing down on us.  Many of us choose monogamy because it enables us to go super-deep with one person without the distraction of other significant energetics disrupting this flow.  See the difference in perspective?  Relationships take work. The more people involved, the more work it is! And most people aren’t willing to do that kind of spiritual growth work.

You are already aware that your mother’s programming, all men cheat, might have already been ingrained into your subconscious through which you may manifest the same fate.  The more emotional the situation, the harder it etches into your subconscious recording device!  However, your awareness of the issue is already half the cure!  The second half is pretty straight forward.  The quickest and cleanest way I know how to “rid” yourself of this programming is to use the Emotion Code.  It is a technique pioneered by Dr. Brad Nelson to discover and release trapped emotions around any issue, including relationships issues.   It uses muscle testing and his Emotion Code chart to determine the exact trapped emotion (based on Chinese medicine).  Once you’ve discovered it, you then proceed to release it with a few simple “sweeps” along one of your acupuncture meridians using a magnet. Simple! And it’s gone!

In your case, when you use the Emotion Code, you’d ask things like:

  1. Is there a trapped emotion I can release around the belief that “all men cheat”? If you get a YES, then you would do the Emotion Code procedure to release that emotion. Then you’d repeat it as many times as the muscle testing says “yes” until you’ve released them all
  2. Is there a trapped emotion I can release that is preventing me from having a healthy romantic relationship with a man? Repeat as necessary
  3. Is there a trapped emotion I can release around my parents divorce? Repeat as necessary

The cool thing about using the Emotion Code is that you do not have to KNOW what the trapped emotion is.  The muscle testing will tell you.  When you use other techniques I recommend in my book, such as EFT (Tapping), you already have to know what emotion or belief is messing you up.  I’d recommend doing both if you can.

So let me know how it goes Stephanie! You can get a copy of Dr. Brad’s book, the Emotion Code on Amazon or you can get his whole program (which has instructional DVDs – necessary if you actually want to learn how to properly perform muscle testing) at a discount through my special link: www.KarenKan.com/emotion.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen

PS Hey, almost forgot to tell you the exciting news! My new book, Guide to Healing Chronic Pain – A Holistic Approach, hit #1 on Amazon’s bestseller list last Friday!  If you know of anyone who’s in pain and who doesn’t want to do surgery or drugs, let them know about it.  I’m doing a FREE Kindle promotion Friday March 1 through Sunday March 3rd.  Just tell them to go to the bookstore link during those days to download the 516 page book free:http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BGY1TAY


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How do I keep him from cheating on me!

Posted on 29 April 2011 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

I have been married to my husband for 20 years and we have children. Even before we were married, he cheated on me. And he has time and time again! He lies and gets very defensive when I confront him, but eventually the truth comes out. I’ve left him seven times but I always go back. I’ve asked him to leave several times as well, but he always comes begging me to take him back.

And I always take him back because I love him so much. I still love him. I am tired of being hurt by him, but I remain suspicious that he’s seeing someone else behind my back. This way of life has tampered with my self-esteem and in search of solutions I have tried everything.

I now have come across the Law of Attraction but my doubts are still there: does he really love me and want to be with me? and can a situation like this change using the Law of Attraction? Please help!

Nina

Dear Nina,

Thanks for your honest letter. I hope my answer will be helpful to you. But first, I have a question for you?

What are you expecting the Law of Attraction to do for you?

Are you expecting it to magically change your husband so that he isn’t the “cheating type” any longer? Because if that is the case, then I can tell you very easily that the Law of Attraction doesn’t work this way. We can’t use the Law of Attraction to change other people against their free will.

However, what you CAN use the Law of Attraction for is to create happiness for yourself. Whether your husband is part of that ultimate happiness is up to you and the Universe to co-create together. Your Law of Attraction “wish” statement could be something like:

I am thoroughly enjoying a fulfilling romantic relationship with my soulmate.

Sometimes we fool ourselves in thinking we truly love someone when we only truly love certain parts, or aspects, of them. What I mean by this is that you seem to enjoy enough aspects of your spouse to keep him around. But there are aspects of him that you don’t like so you aren’t truly happy. Isn’t that right?

So here’s the truth of the matter:

  • the highest form of love means being able to accept who our lovers are without judgment or expectation, but that doesn’t mean that you always like or enjoy what they are doing. There is a difference.
  • you can’t change another person. You don’t have that kind of control. You can only change yourself and your reactions to situations. When you can change yourself and be fully responsible for your own happiness, then you’ll see the relationship shift remarkably.

So you have a couple of very simple choices here Nina. It is high time you took 100% responsibility for your experiences. He is not responsible for your unhappiness, you are. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you’ve been on this yo-yo ride for over 20 years now. When will you decide to change your experience? When will you realize that what you’ve been doing all these years doesn’t work?

Here are some choices:

You can choose to accept that your husband “cheats”,  and in that acceptance, you can enjoy him as much as possible when he’s around, and give up trying to change or criticize him for not being who you think he should be (the equivalent of telling a bear that it should acting like an antelope)

Do something drastically different for a change maybe. For example,  study books on open marriages or polyamory and see if any of those resonate with either of you. If “cheating” was genetic, like diabetes, would you be as judgmental of it? Probably not. I’m not saying it is, but what if it was?

Just trying to open minds here…

How about this new thought pattern: Can you entertain the possibility that your husband loving other people in no way diminishes his love for you? Does a candle flame diminish when it lights another candle? Love is light. Think about that.

I’m bringing this up because we’ve been unconsciously indoctrinated in the concept that the ONLY way a relationship can be successful is through monogamy. Anytime there is an absolute rule, we all should be questioning it’s validity, because somewhere, sometime, long ago, someone made that rule in order to control others.

Remember, it wasn’t long ago when women and children were considered a man’s property. And in some parts of the world, they still are (sigh!).

So Nina, in summary, you can either change your perspective (by letting go of victim-hood, judgment or expectations) or change your situation by leaving, but you can’t change him. Got it? Hope so.

So if you’re not willing to leave because having him around is BETTER than not having him around, then just admit to yourself that you’ve CHOSEN this relationship in its current form and stop being the victim. You’re not the victim here. You’re choosing this. When you can be compassionate with yourself about choosing this relationship, then you can let go of all the judgment of how imperfect it is and just ENJOY your husband.

If these steps seem too difficult for you, as I imagine they might be, I suggest that you book yourself into seeing a relationship coach or counselor and get some support. We all need support for our spiritual and personal growth, so I encourage you to be courageous and find an expert that you resonate with.

In the meantime, I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Neale Donald Walsch’s book on Relationships and read it over and over again:

You can also listen to the interview I did with him HERE.

I believe in you Nina. Thanks for helping others with your question.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan
P.S. Anyone reading this post, feel free to comment.

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Dear Dr. Karen: My Husband Has Had Two Flings and I’m Hurting!

Posted on 17 January 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen:

My husband has had 2 flings since we have been married which is only 3 years and both of these women he had dated before we met. He said they meant nothing and can we move on from it but one of them had a child for him, (she was pregnant when he met me but said she meant nothing to him), apparently he told her he had met someone he wanted to marry, me, and they split up, obviously they were still dating and she got pregnant thinking he would not marry me, she them turned up a couple of months later saying he was the father, he told her to get lost and did not see her or the child until it was 13 months old, this was a shock to him, he thinks the child looks like him, so he has accepted that it is his.

The flings were a year ago just after he had re-met her and the baby, the other girl was also a previous girlfriend. So why did this happen? It hurts me to think of it.  I know I should put it out of my mind but I do not seem to be able to  have the right affirmation in my head to do this. I just keep saying over and over if you did not care for them before and ended it to be with me because you love me and wanted to marry me, why did you then go back and sleep with them again? he says he wanted to make sure!!

Please help me sort it out in my head, at the moment I do not feel very trusting with him and would like to regain my sanity again. He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, why cant I just accept this and move on - why is it all still painful?

Jane

Dear Jane,

Of course you feel pain still, because on some level your relationship issues with your husband have not resolved. You don’t trust him. I don’t blame you. It is very difficult to trust your lover once an affair has happened…or two for that matter.

But let me have you change your perspective for a moment. Pretend you are the other woman. Pretend it is you who had the baby and your husband rejected you…dumped you for another woman. How would you feel? How would you feel knowing that he didn’t want anything to do with you or the baby? That he didn’t intend on supporting you? That hurts too doesn’t it?

One thing that you may wish to understand is that men (and I’m generalizing here) can more easily separate the act of sex from actual heart-based connection. In other words, when women have sex, their heart is almost always involved. When men have sex, it doesn’t have to be.

It could very well be true that these women “meant nothing” to your husband. But personally, I find that kind of scary and disturbing. How would you like to “mean nothing” to someone after they’ve had sex with you or been dating you for some time? It would feel kind of rotten to most women, would you agree? My preference is to be with someone who values another life. It’s not about who’s better and it’s not about competing with other women. We are all ONE. If they are less in your eyes because they had the affair, then you are literally lessening yourself and eroding yourself. See if you can see them all with eyes of compassion. And most of all, be compassionate with yourself.

You can’t change your husband. He’s probably too scared to tell you the truth, whatever that truth is (he probably doesn’t even know on a conscious level). It could be that having one sexual partner in his lifetime is unbearable but he’s trying to conform to the “norm” in our society. Or it could be that if he had it his way, he’d have three wonderful lovers that all got along. You can’t change your husband. You can only change your own reaction.

Your affirmation could very well be, “I live a peaceful, loving and connected relationship with my husband” or “I trust my husband”. And according to John Kehoe, Godfather of the law of attraction, you don’t have to actually believe in your affirmations. By forcing yourself to, you may actually nullify it’s beneficial effects.

Tell your husband daily what you appreciate about him. Reward him whenever he supports you in a loving way. If you wish to stay with him, then learn to trust him, or at least get clear with him on what his needs really are and what your needs really are. Clarity may mean telling him that you trust him and that you really feel best in a monogamous relationship. If that changes for him in the future, then you’d appreciate him telling you the truth, in which case you will do X. (eg. ask him to move out)

You can only change your reaction. A read once about a woman who was married to an alcoholic man. He was enraged whenever he drank and he became violent. She kept protecting him, forgiving him and rescuing him, until she could go on any longer. She went to Al-Anon, an organization to support caregivers of alcoholics and drug addicted people. After getting support for months, she was brave enough to tell him that she loved him, that she wanted to stay married to him, but that she couldn’t accept the alcoholism anymore and she moved out.

He tried to win her back. But she persisted. It was hard for her to do. But he finally decided that his relationship was more important than the alcohol, so he went to Alcoholics Anonymous. It wasn’t until months went by (and he was sober) that she moved back in with him.

She helped him the most by gently and compassionately telling him her boundaries and the consequences for overstepping them. It was his choice after that.

You may be in a similar situation.

I feel for you. Get some counseling yourself. You need the support. Don’t wait for your husband to get it. He doesn’t need it. You do. You’re the one in pain.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

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Dear Dr. Karen: I Fell In Love With My Colleague and My Husband and Son Don’t Know…

Posted on 08 August 2008 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen

I am married and have a 3 year old boy. things were going badly in my marriage for quite some time now, but I have always tried to fix everything. A few months ago, I fell in love with one of my colleagues..someone very special with whom I can be myself. It feels like we were meant to be together – the energy flows between us. I am lost now, feeling guilty towards my husband (who doesn’t know) and towards my son (who will suffer from any potential decisions I will make). Help me please! Nathalie

Dear Nathalie,

I can imagine your pain Nathalie, especially as the feelings of guilt can be very strong in situations such as yours. Have you ever had judgments about other people’s infidelities? I can truthfully tell you that I did. When I got married, I had no idea how anyone could have an affair outside of marriage. I was extremely judgmental of anyone who couldn’t be “truthful” in their relationships.

So the Universe brought me to a place where I could learn a lesson.

What happened with me is that I fell in love with a colleague who I met at a conference and couldn’t stop thinking about him while I was still married to my husband. It took me a long time to finally tell my husband that I had feelings for another man. He suspected it and even met the guy once. You know what my husband said? He said, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I would have appreciated the truth sooner.”

But you know, when I experienced myself how difficult it was to tell the truth, I finally understood why other people “cheated” on their partners. Although I didn’t physically “cheat” on my husband, the energy was definitely there…it’s the same thing. So now I have less judgment when it comes to people who are in situations such as yours.

I appreciate that you don’t want to hurt your three year old child. The truth is that you are doing the best you can and you need to release the guilt. It is a non-supportive emotion, a non-supportive energy. Your intentions are not to hurt your husband or your child, right? Will they possibly be emotionally hurt from you telling the truth? Possibly, yes. Is it your responsibility to prevent hurt in others. No, it is not. You are not literally responsible for another’s feelings, yet you can be understanding and compassionate around them.

Here’s the thing – your child will one day experience hurt. And you will not be able to prevent it. Getting “hurt” is an inevitable part of growing up. At three, your child will probably be less “hurt” over your situation than if he were older (at least consciously). What you can do is model the behavior you’d like for your child.

Would you like your child to have happy loving relationships as an adult? Of course you would.

Would you like your child to be supportive and compassionate with others? Of course you would.

So model those things for your child.

I encourage you to tell the truth when you are ready. Why? Because the secret eats at you from the inside and it is very unhealthy. Allow your partner to have his reaction, negative or not. Allow your child to have reactions (if any) and just know that you can still hold the space of loving intention despite their reactions. It is not an easy practice, but it can be very healing. Stay away from being defensive. Just state your truth…and your truth is how you feel.

Think of it this way. Keeping the secret is “selfish”. The reason you keep the secret is not only because you don’t want your husband and son to hurt, it is also because you do not want to deal with the negative reaction you may receive once you reveal the truth. You are not alone in this. Everyone I know has told a lie at least once in their life. As children, we tell lies in order to save ourselves from punishment.

So understanding this, would you be willing to be courageous (not only for yourself but for your son)? The colleague you are with may or may not be the partner you will end up with in the long run. Partnerships that arise from clandestine relationships do not always last the way we wish they would. But don’t worry about that at this point.

You are responsible for your joy and peace primarily. If you do not take responsibility for it, then you will teach your son not to take responsibility for his happiness either.

You know the saying, The Truth Shall Set You Free. And it is so true in terms of Energy. Your energy is restricted so long as you keep the truth from surfacing.

I wish you the best during this challenging transition. I know you can find the strength.

Dr. Karen

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