Tag Archive | "fidelity"

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How do I keep him from cheating on me!

Posted on 29 April 2011 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

I have been married to my husband for 20 years and we have children. Even before we were married, he cheated on me. And he has time and time again! He lies and gets very defensive when I confront him, but eventually the truth comes out. I’ve left him seven times but I always go back. I’ve asked him to leave several times as well, but he always comes begging me to take him back.

And I always take him back because I love him so much. I still love him. I am tired of being hurt by him, but I remain suspicious that he’s seeing someone else behind my back. This way of life has tampered with my self-esteem and in search of solutions I have tried everything.

I now have come across the Law of Attraction but my doubts are still there: does he really love me and want to be with me? and can a situation like this change using the Law of Attraction? Please help!

Nina

Dear Nina,

Thanks for your honest letter. I hope my answer will be helpful to you. But first, I have a question for you?

What are you expecting the Law of Attraction to do for you?

Are you expecting it to magically change your husband so that he isn’t the “cheating type” any longer? Because if that is the case, then I can tell you very easily that the Law of Attraction doesn’t work this way. We can’t use the Law of Attraction to change other people against their free will.

However, what you CAN use the Law of Attraction for is to create happiness for yourself. Whether your husband is part of that ultimate happiness is up to you and the Universe to co-create together. Your Law of Attraction “wish” statement could be something like:

I am thoroughly enjoying a fulfilling romantic relationship with my soulmate.

Sometimes we fool ourselves in thinking we truly love someone when we only truly love certain parts, or aspects, of them. What I mean by this is that you seem to enjoy enough aspects of your spouse to keep him around. But there are aspects of him that you don’t like so you aren’t truly happy. Isn’t that right?

So here’s the truth of the matter:

  • the highest form of love means being able to accept who our lovers are without judgment or expectation, but that doesn’t mean that you always like or enjoy what they are doing. There is a difference.
  • you can’t change another person. You don’t have that kind of control. You can only change yourself and your reactions to situations. When you can change yourself and be fully responsible for your own happiness, then you’ll see the relationship shift remarkably.

So you have a couple of very simple choices here Nina. It is high time you took 100% responsibility for your experiences. He is not responsible for your unhappiness, you are. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you’ve been on this yo-yo ride for over 20 years now. When will you decide to change your experience? When will you realize that what you’ve been doing all these years doesn’t work?

Here are some choices:

You can choose to accept that your husband “cheats”,  and in that acceptance, you can enjoy him as much as possible when he’s around, and give up trying to change or criticize him for not being who you think he should be (the equivalent of telling a bear that it should acting like an antelope)

Do something drastically different for a change maybe. For example,  study books on open marriages or polyamory and see if any of those resonate with either of you. If “cheating” was genetic, like diabetes, would you be as judgmental of it? Probably not. I’m not saying it is, but what if it was?

Just trying to open minds here…

How about this new thought pattern: Can you entertain the possibility that your husband loving other people in no way diminishes his love for you? Does a candle flame diminish when it lights another candle? Love is light. Think about that.

I’m bringing this up because we’ve been unconsciously indoctrinated in the concept that the ONLY way a relationship can be successful is through monogamy. Anytime there is an absolute rule, we all should be questioning it’s validity, because somewhere, sometime, long ago, someone made that rule in order to control others.

Remember, it wasn’t long ago when women and children were considered a man’s property. And in some parts of the world, they still are (sigh!).

So Nina, in summary, you can either change your perspective (by letting go of victim-hood, judgment or expectations) or change your situation by leaving, but you can’t change him. Got it? Hope so.

So if you’re not willing to leave because having him around is BETTER than not having him around, then just admit to yourself that you’ve CHOSEN this relationship in its current form and stop being the victim. You’re not the victim here. You’re choosing this. When you can be compassionate with yourself about choosing this relationship, then you can let go of all the judgment of how imperfect it is and just ENJOY your husband.

If these steps seem too difficult for you, as I imagine they might be, I suggest that you book yourself into seeing a relationship coach or counselor and get some support. We all need support for our spiritual and personal growth, so I encourage you to be courageous and find an expert that you resonate with.

In the meantime, I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Neale Donald Walsch’s book on Relationships and read it over and over again:

You can also listen to the interview I did with him HERE.

I believe in you Nina. Thanks for helping others with your question.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan
P.S. Anyone reading this post, feel free to comment.

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Dear Dr. Karen: How Can I Make A Man Faithful?

Posted on 24 August 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

I’m so happy to ask you this question because it’s on my mind for several months. When a man cheats a woman, is it because of his character or because of the woman who is afraid of it and hence attracts it into her life? Can I make every man being faithful when I believe in it?

Thank you.
With love
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

Great questions and I’m glad you’re asking. This is a subject I enjoy talking about in my teleseminars and radio shows so I urge you to listen in on both to get the “full scoop” on my thoughts on the subject.

It is indeed true that when I woman is AFRAID of a man cheating on her, she WILL attract men who cheat on her. It usually stems from a pattern of abandonment that occurred early in her youth or, as I’ve discovered, a pattern that her mother suffered and she witnessed. Sometimes when children witness their parents’ struggles, they start embodying them as their own.

I had just that happen to me. My mother was very distrustful of men in general and no wonder. Her father was a cheat and liar, but was so incredibly charming you could barely resist him. I grew to distrust men as well and thus helped to co-create a distrustful relationship with my first husband. I have since done a lot of internal work on myself so I’m learning to let go of my old programming.

Whether or not the man has a character flaw is irrelevant. If you are afraid of cheating, cheating will follow you around wherever you go because of the Law of Attraction. FEAR is a powerful magnet.

You want to know how you can make a man faithful. The answer: you can’t. In fact, the one thing men value most is freedom. Listen to Satyen Raja’s interview here. The worst thing you can do is to put limits on a man. So what does that mean?

Well, the grand majority of men and a growing number of women, if given the opportunity, would prefer to have sexual relations with more than one person while in a committed long-term relationship with someone. However, our society frowns on such behavior and frankly, our current level of conscious relating and communicating is so poor that I would be reticent to suggest that most people could be highly successful at open relationships.

That being said, the best way to be happy is for you to let go of the notion that in order for you to be happy, you need a man to be faithful to you. The less constraining your attitude is towards your partner, the more attractive you become. I swear this is true! It is their nature! Why fight it?

We have been conditioned in our society to value monogamy because somehow we were taught that monogamy or serial monogamy meant a higher valued relationship. I have seen, however, through observing countless relationships, that fidelity, has nothing to do with quality and happiness in the relationship. Most people don’t understand that fidelity is not the source of happiness. You are your OWN source of happiness.

Using Law of Attraction affirmations for fidelity or faithfulness only serves to enhance your chance of it backfiring on you. Why? Because you are FOCUSED on cheating when you are asking for someone who is faithful to you (as it implies that you are afraid)! What you focus on grows!

Instead, focus on attracting someone who is committed to fully loving and appreciating you and don’t even worry about cheating (easier said than done given your upbringing and programming). Focus on a relationship built on honesty…which means that you’d tell him that you’d rather know if he wants to cheat and you’d lovingly respect him for it instead of hiding it from you. And of course the reciprocal would be true.

I know what I’m suggesting is foreign to most people. I highly recommend you read Neale Donald Walsh‘s series, Conversations with God, especially book 1 and 2 as well as his book on Relationships for more thorough discussions of this topic!

Thank you again Nicole for your questions.

Blessings,
Dr. Karen

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