Tag Archive | "family"

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Dear Dr. Karen: How Can I Help My Alcoholic Husband?

Posted on 21 September 2009 by Dr. Karen

Here’s a great letter from Jan:

Dear Dr. Karen,

How do I help my husband, who is an alcoholic? I’m at my wits end. I’m tired of being married to him but I stay because I want to keep my family together.


Dear Jan,

What you face is uncomfortable and unfortunately very common. Do you ever wonder why you’re in this situation?

Here’s the answer:

You attracted an alcoholic husband so that you could heal a deep part of yourself that needs healing from childhood. Your husband is a mirror. He represents a part of you that you have rejected and do not love fully.

We call that The Shadow. To learn more about the shadow, I highly recommend that you view this film (preferably with your husband when he is sober and if he is agreeable), The Shadow Effect.

Everyone that we attract into our lives represents different facets of ourselves (the Law of Attraction). Our relationships can either be life-affirming or not. Some of the people we attract are representations of our Shadow. Your husband is one of those people.

I’m assuming you have children when you refer to your “family”. Your number one responsibility as a parent to your child is to lovingly model what you would like their lives to be. No matter what you SAY or TELL them to do, they will, on some level, model after one parent or the other (or both).

So what are you modeling right now?

Are you happy? I can see that you are not. So as each day goes by, you are teaching your children how to be unhappy. This may sound harsh, but I want to level with you.

Unless you get some support (and I mean MAJOR support) in your life right now to make some changes, you are literally sentencing those you love, your children, to a very difficult future. They will not have a healthy model of how to be happy. They will not have a healthy model of how to have a healthy love relationship.

You are so afraid of breaking up your family that you suffer from your inaction to do anything about it. Guess what? You’re family is already breaking up. You just can’t see it because you are willing to live this lie in front of your children in the guise that it is good for them.

It is not.

They know. Maybe not on a conscious level, but the negativity is seeping into their pores and you are letting it happen.

Do you love them enough to change?

Do you love them enough to do whatever it takes to figure out how to be happy so that you can model authentic joy and love?

Do you love them enough to stop waiting for your husband to change and instead, get some real help so that you can live the life of joy you were meant to live.

If what I say causes tears, I understand. If you were standing here in front of me, I would give you a hug, then hold you by the shoulders and look deeply into your eyes and tell you,

“You can do it. You are not alone. I believe in you. You will find a way.”

So to answer your question more directly, here’s my advice:

1. Get support. Call a trusted friend and have her take you to an Al-Anon meeting every week. You won’t feel like you’re all alone anymore.

2. Read Melanie Beatty’s book, Co-Dependent No More starting tomorrow. And when you’re done, read the next book, Beyond Co-dependency. You can find these at the Law of Attraction in Love Bookstore.

3. Write down your intentions on exactly HOW you want your life to look…and make sure none of what you wish to manifest depends on your husband changing anything.

4. With the support of your Al-Anon or a counselor, take action to change your life. Your dream will not manifest without action.

From the patients I have had that have gone through what you’re going through and come out the other side, I can share with you that “breaking up your family” is one of the least harmful things you can do.

I can guarantee your husband WON’T change if you don’t. If you do decide to leave him, expect begging and pleading and promises to change. If you love him sober and wish to be with him that way, then consider waiting for at least six months of sobriety and AA meetings (for him) before you even entertain the notion of moving back in with him.

Sometimes, when an alcoholic knows that he is going to lose everything he value most, it is the motivation they need to change. Sometimes, it isn’t enough. But if that’s the case, then you know that you and the children don’t rank (and why would you want to stay in that kind of relationship anyway?)

I wish you the best. Go get some help today!

When you get a chance please connect with me on FaceBook and Twitter.

Dr. Karen Kan

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Dear Dr. Karen: How Do I Use the Law of Attraction to Get a Doctor as My Partner?

Posted on 25 May 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,


How do I use the law of attraction to get a Doctor as my life partner? how should be my daily affirmations be? my family is looking for proposals and I desire to marry a doctor. so pls advise me.



Dear Shana,

Let me ask you a question before I answer you. If a man you knew only wanted to marry a blond American model with a bust size of 34C, what would you say to him? Would you judge him shallow? Unintelligent? Inflexible?

Let me ask you another question. Why do you want to marry a doctor? Because you’ve always wanted to be one and you couldn’t, so this is second best? Because you think somehow it will bring you financial security? (It doesn’t by the way..I’m a doctor and most I know are eyeballs in debt!) Because it will make your family happy and stop pestering you to get married? Or because somehow it will make you seem like a worthy person in the eyes of others?

Why am I asking you these questions? Because The Universe will NEED to know your WHY. You don’t need to tell me, but you do need to be brutally honest with yourself (and thus the Universe) as to the why. If your WHY is big enough AND resonates with your soul’s wish AND is in the highest and best interest of all, then you will manifest your dreams.

Let me present you with my guesses as to what this is all about. When I was a little girl, it was considered prestigious to marry a doctor. I suppose it still is. The belief at the time was that I would have an easy time after marriage…my husband would take care of the finances and I could just relax my way to happiness. It would make me look “lucky” if I snagged one and I would have fur coats and diamond rings like my mother always wanted for herself (but she married a teacher, so she had to buy these things herself!). I would live the life of luxury.

Well, I decided that I didn’t want to be someone’s trophy wife, so instead I became a doctor myself. And then I got to witness firsthand what the life of a doctor is like and what the family has to endure. Let’s just say that being the traditional doctor’s wife (or husband) is a thankless job. Being a wife is worse because of our societal expectations of women in general. Traditionally, the wife takes care of the finances, childcare, volunteering, cooking, cleaning and the husband who could be grumpy and tired after working 36 hours in a row. Yes, there are some material perks, but with a partner who isn’t available, how fun is that?

OK, well the modern doctor’s marriage is a little better for women here in N. America at least. There is more equality and the guys pitch in to help around the house more.

But you know what, it isn’t any easier than marrying a non-doctor. Doctor’s wives are just as happy or unhappy as anyone else and have more stressors. More is expected of them. They are “just the wife” in the eyes of others and that is a tough place to be if your spouse is the “hero” doctor and you are not.

A doctor is simply just another person. He may earn more than the average person, but he also works more than the average person – between 60-100 hours a week. If you are marrying him just for his “money”, you won’t be very happy. I can guarantee that!

Besides, the best way to marry into wealth is to become wealthy yourself. Like attracts like. That’s the law of attraction. If you don’t resonate those vibrations, you won’t be able to attract it!

So a more appropriate affirmation would be: “I am abundantly wealthy and happy, married to a man who loves and adores me”

And after all that I’ve said, if you are still wanting to marry a doctor, then your BEST chance bar none is to go to medical school and become one. Many of my doctor colleagues married each other! Why? Because if you are spending 100+ hours a week seeing no one else except colleagues and patients, who else do you date????


Dr. Karen Kan

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