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Dear Dr. Karen: Do You Believe in the No Contact Rule in Break Ups?

Posted on 03 May 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

Have you heard of the No Contact Rule when it comes to break ups? Do you think that really works? My boyfriend broke up with me on Christmas Day because he thinks I lied to him and told me to never speak to him again. I didn’t do what he said. We’ve had no contact since the Tuesday before Christmas. I’ve been trying to let go but still anguishing waiting for him to contact me at least by phone stating he needs to talk to me. Do you believe in the No Contact rule?


Dear Donna,

Great question Donna. I can imagine the anguish you must feel when you feel you’ve done nothing wrong and you can’t explain yourself to your boyfriend. Frustrating I would imagine.

It neither believe or dis-believe in the “no contact” rule. It has nothing to do with belief.

Your boyfriend had a very serious reaction to whatever he thought you did. It probably touched his “core wound” and the pain was so great that he did whatever he felt was best to shield himself from further wounding. The fact that you didn’t mean to do any harm is besides the point. It is his perception that he is relying on. That’s all he has. And his perceptions are based in his “relationship blueprint” from childhood.

If his actions seem unreasonable to you, it is further evidence of this “wounding” I’m talking about. He is not consciously aware of this wounding so his actions will seem perfectly “logical” to him. For example, if he witnessed his father “lying” to his mother and how upset she was when he was a young boy, he will react violently to anything remotely similar in his adult life. See if you can feel a little bit of understanding and compassion now that you know this.

The one action you can take is to respect his space and his request for non-contact. I know this sounds very difficult, but trust me, if you push for contact, you will lose his trust further. I had an old boyfriend who didn’t respect my wish for non-contact and insisted on leaving messages on my voicemail. I lost trust because he didn’t respect my wish for space. The message I got was,

“You SHOULDN’T need space. I know better than you do what you need. My needs are more important than yours. You’re opinions and wishes are unimportant and wrong.”

Of course, that is not what he meant. But by calling me when I told him NOT to showed me that he cared more about what he needed than what I needed.

So, your best move is to wait and heal. There is one law of attraction exercise you can do to mend things quickly. I can’t promise you WHEN it will happen, only that it WILL. Your willingness and diligence in doing this exercise authentically will show up in your results.

Here’s the exercise. Because he has asked for non-contact, you are not permitted to call, email, snail mail your ex unless he explicitedly allows it. I suppose if he told you not to call him, you could use a loop hole and write him a letter. But only you know what he TRULY meant. Likely, he meant NO contact whatsoever, so don’t manipulate the situation just because you can.

Everything is Energy. You can still communicate to him…even one-sided. Here’s what you do: every day for at least 30 days straight, write your ex a virtual letter. In this letter, you will do your best to communicate your love, respect and understanding to your ex. You’ll tell him exactly what you love about him and why you miss him. You can even explain what “happened” as if he were standing there listening to you. You can ask for forgiveness from him.

You can be as creative as you want to be. It is important that the Energy of the letter be one of love and understanding, not one of neediness or accusations.

You see, since everything is energy, even if you don’t literally send the letter to your ex, he will RECEIVE it energetically. Yes! He will actually receive the messages you write in vibrational form. He will not know you are communicating to him consciously, but unconsciously the messages will enter his energy field. His unconscious will filter and let in whatever messages most resonate.

If YOU feel the love when you write the letter, he will FEEL it too. That’s the beauty of this exercise. I can’t tell you how many times this simple exercise has created peace where there was conflict. Are you willing to take this action? Is your relationship important enough to do it?

This is my challenge to you. Let me know after 30 days how things are going for you.


Dr. Karen Kan

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Are You 100% Responsible for What Happens To You?

Posted on 21 April 2008 by Dr. Karen

I posed this question to Lynne McTaggert, author of the Intention Experiment. Lynne was interviewed for the movie The Secret but didn’t make it on the final edit. Same goes for my teacher, T. Harv Eker. Interestingly, Lynne said that when The Secret was released in the UK, where she lives, one of the major criticisms was that it gave the impression that you create your reality – no ifs, ands, or buts…and if something went “wrong” in your life, you were the cause of it.In my ebook Creating Your Fairytale Love Life, there is a chapter I refer to as “advanced integration” where I discuss, at a deeper level, why we may not be able to completely control our destiny and our manifestation. Lynne and I are in agreement with regards to our abilities to fully manifest everything we want in our lives: we are not alone – we are part of a bigger Universe, and although we have influence through our intentions and wish-setting, we need to see the bigger picture.

When something bad happens to you, it isn’t your “fault” (what a nasty word!). Yet, at the same time, you have responsibility over how you react to the situation and how you judge it. You may attract negative things to you if you think negative thoughts over and over again during the day (what Lynne calls the “rest” of the 23.5 hours of the day you are not setting your intentions), however, some people attract unwanted circumstances for other reasons.

A perfectly “positive” person may attract cancer to herself because in the global picture, she is due to experience compassion and love from others (something that she may not have experienced fully in her past). Other people’s mindset can also influence you, so be conscious of who you choose to spend your time with.

The stronger your energy field, the easier it is for you to manifest what you want and the greater impact you have on other people. I’d like to also note that the stronger the energy field that you have is dependent on how much practice you have at training your mind to vibrate at the frequency you desire. According to Lynne McTaggert, her research shows that Qi gong and energy masters very easily manifest what they want because they have had lots of practice at it.

Although I’m far from an energy master guru (who can bend spoons and change their body temperature ten degrees within minutes), I have experienced influencing a group of people with my energy. It is a wonderful thing to be able to radiate love and to shift an entire room of people who then easily follow in that vibration.

Recently, I left a business networking group that I was president of in order to train my skating. As president of the group, we had seen unprecedented growth of our group. I was the top referral member and our attendance was excellent. Not soon after I left, numbers began to dwindle and instead of growing, the group has apparently broken into factions. No one is very happy. Obviously the group could not sustain the energy without my presence (I’m not being egotistical here) and also, I realized that I could not influence the group long enough for it to be self-sustaining much to my disappointment.

Bottom line: be a light onto this world – be responsible for your choices and your reactions and at the same time understand that you don’t have total control of manifesting your life because you are part of a greater whole. We are all one.

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