Dear Dr. Karen,

I am married but unhappy. I constantly seek for someone to come into my life and give me the love i long for.

Azlin

Dear Azlin,

First of all, I can empathize with your situation. I was there once. Unlike you though, I couldn’t even admit to myself I was unhappy in my marriage. I was blind to it. It wasn’t until I met a man who was everything my husband was not, that I began to consciously question the quality of my marriage.

So believe me when I say – you’re ahead of the game!

Azlin, what I’ve come to learn is that if you expect someone to fill a void that you have, you will be sorely disappointed in the outcome. It is not possibly for someone to GIVE you the love you long for. It is an illusion. The truth is that we absolutely CANNOT receive what we cannot give. It is part of the law of attraction.

There is nothing wrong with longing to feel loved. Been there, done that. However, what I’ve discovered (and many teachers have talked about) is that the “other” person in the relationship is only a reflection of the LOVE you have for yourself. In other words, if you cannot love yourself fully when you are without a partner, you cannot possibly attract a partner that loves you fully either.

You need to work on self-love. How loving is it to force yourself to suffer an unhappy marriage? How loving is it to pretend every day of your life? How loving is it to keep yourself scared of moving on and moving forward with your current relationship?

And let’s talk a moment about your ability to love another. Guess what? Your ability to give love is limited by your degree of self-love. You cannot give what you do not have.

How loving is it to lie to your spouse (in essence by seeking someone else while in relationship to your spouse without telling him/her)? How loving is it to prevent your spouse from possibly moving onto a relationship that would be more fulfillling because you are too scared to let go of him/her?

Please don’t take my questioning as harsh. These are questions that I had to grapple with when I was choosing my path while I was unhappily married. When I told my husband that I could no longer stay in our current relationship and that I’d dreamed of being with someone else (I was sobbing uncontrollably when I told him), one of the first things he asked was,

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

What he meant was, “Why did you string me along for all these years when you were not happy? Why did you pretend? Is our whole relationship a lie?” etc.

In my defense, I thought I was “protecting” him from the awful truth. I was “protecting” him from being hurt. In the end, I hurt him more by keeping the truth from him. Why? Because I literally tricked him into believing we were “OK” so that I didn’t have to face his (and my parents’) negative reactions to the TRUTH. The reality was that I WAS BEING SELFISH BY STAYING IN THE MARRIAGE AND PRETENDING.

In fact, I had to get a serious illness before I could finally face the truth.

I hope it doesn’t come down to this for you. I went through a lot of pain. I’m sure you’re probably going through a lot too.

Here’s the good new – you don’t have to.

You have a CHOICE. You can be REAL and AUTHENTIC and have the courage to face whatever lies ahead OR or you can live the rest of your life pretending and full of obligation.

Your choice.

I know. It isn’t easy.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When you do your own personal growth work and have the courage to take 100% responsibility for your own happiness, you’ll find that what is best for you ends up being what is best for the other person (even it if doesn’t seem like it at the beginning).

My ex-husband is now in a relationship with a lovely woman who is his match. They have an amazing little daughter and I can truly say he is much much happier than he ever was married to me.

I highly encourage you to get some counseling or coaching as soon as possible. You need the support.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

Hi Dr. Karen,

I am trying to manifest the love that I have been dreaming of, and have been waiting for all my life.

Almost 5 years ago, I met my relative’s best friend.  And the moment I saw him, someone/something at the back of my head told me that I was supposed to be with him.  Of course, at that time, I was married to my ex-husband, and he was invovled with someone else.  But something told me that we would end up being together.

5 years passed, and his relationship ended, and I’m currently in the middle of divorcing my ex.  We got together as friends (we called each other bffs), and as we hang out, we immediately acknowledge the fact that there is a very strong chemistry/connection there and very strong attraction that we have for each other.  We have so many things in common, and it seems that when we are together, everything makes sense.  My problem is, I am still stuck in my past relationship, and he also cannot make a commitment because of my present situation.  I can feel in my bones that he is the one — we are both happy just being together.  Both of us even made a comment (on separate times) to my relative as to how come he never got us together when we were both single, things could have been more simpler between us.

I want to manifest having a lasting, romantic, faithful, happy relationship with this man.  He is the man that I have been waiting for, and have always wanted in a partner.  I want to use the law of attraction to manifest this.  What can I do to make this happen?

Please help me for this is driving me mad.

Thanks in advance,

Agnes

Dear Agnes,

Understand that when you consciously use the law of attraction to co-create with The Universe what you want, you need to TRUST the Universe’s timing. Given that you and this man have a fond connection for each other, there is something stopping you from realizing your intention: your impatience.

One of the steps in the manifesting process is called “creating a vacuum”, or making space. If you are still involved with your ex-husband, either practically or emotionally, it will not benefit your future relationship with the man you wish to be with. You need to complete the first relationship (in your case, because your new man also wishes this completion) in order to start “fresh”.

There is nothing stopping you from developing a deep friendship with your new love. Even though he may not want to turn it into a romantic relationship right now because of your situation, it doesn’t mean you can’t develop the BLUEPRINT for one right now. Evaluate and take responsibility for your contribution to past disappointments in your past relationship(s), so you can learn how you can create a better one. Don’t drag old non-supportive blueprints into your new relationship (and you WILL unless you have been working on new supportive ones.)

It is a learning process. To get what you want, you often have to stretch yourself and learn something new. This time around, it could be that you need to learn to be even more patient, to learn to have a loving platonic relationship (a deep one), or to learn to respect another’s boundaries. Or it could be that you need to release emotional baggage from your last relationship that is still hanging on (and preventing the vacuum from happening).

In time, if you two are wanting the same thing, you will get together. The same thing happened with one of my first passionate “loves”. It occurred with a man who I fell head over heels for while my marriage was breaking up. He and I had an incredibly strong attraction to each other and I had never felt such a connection before with anyone. He was everything my husband was not.;

He was with someone else and I was still married to my husband at the time. This man had gone through a relationship with a married woman in the past and told me how difficult it was. He had wisely decided that because of his experience, he would not enter into a relationship with me (a married woman). He did tell me, though, that at some point in the future, if we were to find ourselves single and available, he would be open to us getting together. I was devastated and I told him that I needed space to heal my broken heart.

For almost a year we did not speak to each other. I was hurting badly at the beginning, and couldn’t stop thinking about him and how we’d never be together.  But after separating from my husband, I contacted him. I found out he was single again as well. After several phone conversations, we decided to see each other. By then I had changed. Well, we both had changed. I realized that he was no longer my ideal partner. Although we had a fun and loving interaction, I realized that a long distance relationship (we lived in opposite ends of the country) wasn’t going to work. We decided just to be friends and we both have different partners now. Today, we are still very good friends and I appreciate all I have learned from my relationship with this man, including his wisdom.

So you see, I got what I wanted, (the two of us got together), but then I had “grown” and wanted something different.

I now have the partner of my dreams.

So my advice to you is to be patient. I know your heart is yearning (as was mine). Just trust that the Universe is co-creating your BEST new reality with you and for your highest good. Just focus on completing your divorce first and learning new relationship skills.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan