Tag Archive | "divorce"

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5 Most Common Breakup Mistakes

Posted on 22 September 2015 by Dr. Karen

How do we End Love, Lovingly?

Relationships can be among the most challenging experiences we face in our lives.

When a relationship breaks down, your heart breaks, too, and your whole life can seem damaged beyond repair…

Few people like to talk about this darker side of love, because it can feel embarrassing to admit you’re not totally over someone or that your sadness hasn’t gone away.

But I know someone who’s spent a lot of time thinking about how to end a relationship in a way that can leave your heart happy, whole—someone who has been right there and can show you the way out of months or even years of needless suffering.

Her name is Katherine Woodward Thomas, and she is one of my all-time favorite love coaches out there. She is now offering a FREE introductory course Conscious Uncoupling: How to Avoid the 5 Most-Common Breakup Mistakes that Cause Suffering, Steal Joy, and Prevent Future Love.


This introductory course offers a fresh new approach to the end of a relationship, as well as insights that can help you salvage a troubled relationship and avoid a breakup, and just the right amount of soothing balm to heal your heart and soul from unwanted heartbreak pain (even if your relationship ended long ago).

Katherine’s beautiful and inspiring video series will guide you to transform your difficult feelings from breakups,and clear out any toxic emotional residue and resentment you might still be carrying in your life.

I highly suggest checking out her stuff. And it’s free so what do you have to lose? Just click HERE to sign up for the free course. And be sure to share this blog post with someone you care about. They will thank you for it!


Dr. Karen

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Letter from Stephanie: Do all men cheat?

Posted on 24 February 2013 by Dr. Karen

“Can I Prevent Cheating with the Law of Attraction?”  

Here is a heart-felt letter from Stephanie that I felt compelled to answer right away:

Dear Dr. Karen,
My name is Stephanie and I feel kind of awkward while writing this email mainly because I an far too young for relationships (16 y.o).  My problem is the following: my parents are getting divorced after 17 years of marriage. They never really had any big problems but things got worse when my dad cheated. After endless fights and screamsmy mom and her also-divorced friends decided to “educate” me on maintaining the “love” in the marriage.  After endless hours of talkingthey came to the conclusion that all men cheat and that at some point in my lifemy man will cheat on me too. My parents ‘ relationship has made me unable to trust anyone and I feel that the same things will happen to me too.  I have been using the law of attraction for a couple of years…with “medium ” success but I have only started to fully comprehend its powers in the last few months.

Can I prevent such a cheating behavior with the law of attraction?  Can I have a happy home with a faithful husband?  I really appreciate you taking the time to read this email. I am most thankful for being able to open up my heart to you because I desperately do not want to repeat my family’s mistake.  Thank you very much and I am looking forward to receiving your reply.
Yours faithfully,

Dear Stephanie,

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  Not only are you courageous for wanting to manifest a different love life than your parents and their friends, you are also aware that you have the power within you to do so! Amazing! Way to go girl!

Statistics reveal that many men (and women) are unfaithful in their relationships.  One can either judge this statistic as sad or revealing.  Let’s just suppose that the statistics (http://www.nbcnews.com/id/17951664/ns/health-sexual_health/#.USptyPL3Ow0) are true.  If so then let’s put our open-minded consciousness hats on for a moment so we can ponder these questions:

  1. Can one person truly give us all the love and support we need to completely thrive and live to our fullest potential?
  2. Is there only room in our hearts for one person?
  3. Do we really need sex with more than one person? and if so, why?
  4. Is it reasonable to love more than one person romantically but only save sex for one person?
  5. Is having monogamous sex synonymous with “committed” love? or is it a “reward” of some sort? or an antiquated idea?
  6. Is it possible that humankind can evolve so that we can love more than one person and allow our partners do so the same without jealousy or envy?
  7. Does cheating mean that something is missing in an otherwise good relationship? or is it a natural genetic pull? or a natural energetic pull?
  8. Is our expectation of a sexually faithful spouse even realistic or spiritual?

These are questions I do not have definitive answers to, but they are questions you can ask your inner guidance.  I’m not a history buff, but those that are will tell us that marriage was more of a contract concerning property and ownership (in certain cultures that meant also ownership of the wife) than it was about love.  Monogamous sex has been “proof” of a good marriage, but if you think about it, this has nothing to do with real love. It has more to do with rules.  That being said, open marriages and polyamorous relationships only work with the most enlightened and conscious people who have developed completely open hearts and great communication skills.  I would say that is one in a hundred people.

Most people “cheat” when they no longer feel the spark they used to feel with their partner.  Little do they realize it is because they have now settled into the space where their past programming has come up for healing and resolution.  If they do not resolve the underlying emotional issues within their relationship, they are bound to bring all that baggage into their new relationship.  Isn’t it true that most people blame their partners for their marriage problems instead of looking within to see why they’ve attracted this person into their lives?  Even if a person attracts an abusive partner and eventually decides to leave him/her, she doesn’t have to BLAME that person for being who they are.  Instead she can bless that person for showing her how strong she really is (and how well she can stand up for herself now).

It isn’t so much the extramarital sex that hurts the relationship as much as the lying.  Lying means that you do not trust your partner enough to share with them what you truly want or need in order for your to thrive or grow.  If my partner shared with me that he needed fulfillment outside of our relationship, I would honor him for trusting me with that intimate information.  And if I truly loved him unconditionally, I would bless him to do whatever he felt was best for him.  It doesn’t mean that our relationship wouldn’t change in form, but it means that our love is deep enough that we aren’t scared to be who we really are.

If we no longer have jealousy or envy when it comes to our relationships, then we know we’ve really evolved as a species! So far, this is not our common everyday reality, but one day it might be! Unconditional love is possible!

Stephanie, let’s get back to you.  Can you prevent the cheating behavior?  Well, it depends.  If your partner trusts you enough to tell you the truth, then yes.  Instead of cheating on you, he’d be willing to tell you what he’s feeling.  Which would you prefer?  You can’t prevent another person from being attracted to someone else.  But if you’re willing to let them feel whatever they feel, they will trust and love you more.  You see, if you don’t trust someone, they won’t trust you.  Like attracts Like.  That’s the Law of Attraction.  I know you already know that.  When our partners lie, it is because they are afraid of telling us the truth.  They are afraid of our reaction.  If you routinely react with loving kindness and understanding while at the same time maintaining healthy boundaries, you have the basis for fabulous thriving relationships! It’s not easy, but it is something for all of us to strive for.

Yes, you can have a faithful husband if you want, but you first have to decide why it is important to you?  Just because society feels that the ideal relationship form is a lifetime of sexually monogamy, it doesn’t meant that it is necessarily the healthiest or even the most spiritual.  After reading Neale Donald Walsch’s Conversations with God series, I had a renewed sense of openness when it comes to relationships.  Seeing it from “God’s” perspective, so to speak, comforted me that we are not all that “bad” or “corrupt” as human beings.  It’s all about choice and love, not about rules or fear.  If we fear our partners will be unfaithful, that fear will bring that reality crashing down on us.  Many of us choose monogamy because it enables us to go super-deep with one person without the distraction of other significant energetics disrupting this flow.  See the difference in perspective?  Relationships take work. The more people involved, the more work it is! And most people aren’t willing to do that kind of spiritual growth work.

You are already aware that your mother’s programming, all men cheat, might have already been ingrained into your subconscious through which you may manifest the same fate.  The more emotional the situation, the harder it etches into your subconscious recording device!  However, your awareness of the issue is already half the cure!  The second half is pretty straight forward.  The quickest and cleanest way I know how to “rid” yourself of this programming is to use the Emotion Code.  It is a technique pioneered by Dr. Brad Nelson to discover and release trapped emotions around any issue, including relationships issues.   It uses muscle testing and his Emotion Code chart to determine the exact trapped emotion (based on Chinese medicine).  Once you’ve discovered it, you then proceed to release it with a few simple “sweeps” along one of your acupuncture meridians using a magnet. Simple! And it’s gone!

In your case, when you use the Emotion Code, you’d ask things like:

  1. Is there a trapped emotion I can release around the belief that “all men cheat”? If you get a YES, then you would do the Emotion Code procedure to release that emotion. Then you’d repeat it as many times as the muscle testing says “yes” until you’ve released them all
  2. Is there a trapped emotion I can release that is preventing me from having a healthy romantic relationship with a man? Repeat as necessary
  3. Is there a trapped emotion I can release around my parents divorce? Repeat as necessary

The cool thing about using the Emotion Code is that you do not have to KNOW what the trapped emotion is.  The muscle testing will tell you.  When you use other techniques I recommend in my book, such as EFT (Tapping), you already have to know what emotion or belief is messing you up.  I’d recommend doing both if you can.

So let me know how it goes Stephanie! You can get a copy of Dr. Brad’s book, the Emotion Code on Amazon or you can get his whole program (which has instructional DVDs – necessary if you actually want to learn how to properly perform muscle testing) at a discount through my special link: www.KarenKan.com/emotion.


Dr. Karen

PS Hey, almost forgot to tell you the exciting news! My new book, Guide to Healing Chronic Pain – A Holistic Approach, hit #1 on Amazon’s bestseller list last Friday!  If you know of anyone who’s in pain and who doesn’t want to do surgery or drugs, let them know about it.  I’m doing a FREE Kindle promotion Friday March 1 through Sunday March 3rd.  Just tell them to go to the bookstore link during those days to download the 516 page book free:http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BGY1TAY

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Why singles would want to know how to heal a marriage

Posted on 27 August 2012 by Dr. Karen

Did you get a chance to listen to the radio show I did with Dr. Deb Hirschorn on Healing Marriage based on her upcoming book, The Healing is Mutual: Marriage Empowerment Tools? If you didn’t, please listen to the replay here:  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/drkaren/2012/08/27/heal-your-marriage
Everyone comes into marriage with great expectation, not knowing that they also come into marriage with their old wounds. Understanding that marriage can be an opportunity to heal those wounds makes the journey joyful and rewarding. In the show, we talked about:
  • how divorce can be a healing opportunity rather than a court battle
  • how “funny” name-calling can be “put downs” that really hurt the other person and what to say if you’re on the receiving end of these
  • the difference between being “sensitive” and being “victimized”
  • how you get your partner interested in healing your relationship when you’re the only one interested
We got lots of great feedback for this show, so please take the time to listen in, even if you have a happy marriage. If you’re single, it’s just as important that you learn these things as well BEFORE you get married.
For listeners, you can get a free eBook on Signs Your Marriage Needs Help by texting your name and email address to 516-628-6077 or going tohttp://thehealingismutual.com/gift.

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Dear Dr. Karen: I’m Unhappily Married – I Seek Someone to Give Me the Love I Long For

Posted on 06 February 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

I am married but unhappy. I constantly seek for someone to come into my life and give me the love i long for.



Dear Azlin,


First of all, I can empathize with your situation. I was there once. Unlike you though, I couldn’t even admit to myself I was unhappy in my marriage. I was blind to it. It wasn’t until I met a man who was everything my husband was not, that I began to consciously question the quality of my marriage.


So believe me when I say – you’re ahead of the game!


Azlin, what I’ve come to learn is that if you expect someone to fill a void that you have, you will be sorely disappointed in the outcome. It is not possibly for someone to GIVE you the love you long for. It is an illusion. The truth is that we absolutely CANNOT receive what we cannot give. It is part of the law of attraction.


There is nothing wrong with longing to feel loved. Been there, done that. However, what I’ve discovered (and many teachers have talked about) is that the “other” person in the relationship is only a reflection of the LOVE you have for yourself. In other words, if you cannot love yourself fully when you are without a partner, you cannot possibly attract a partner that loves you fully either.


You need to work on self-love. How loving is it to force yourself to suffer an unhappy marriage? How loving is it to pretend every day of your life? How loving is it to keep yourself scared of moving on and moving forward with your current relationship?


And let’s talk a moment about your ability to love another. Guess what? Your ability to give love is limited by your degree of self-love. You cannot give what you do not have.


How loving is it to lie to your spouse (in essence by seeking someone else while in relationship to your spouse without telling him/her)? How loving is it to prevent your spouse from possibly moving onto a relationship that would be more fulfillling because you are too scared to let go of him/her?


Please don’t take my questioning as harsh. These are questions that I had to grapple with when I was choosing my path while I was unhappily married. When I told my husband that I could no longer stay in our current relationship and that I’d dreamed of being with someone else (I was sobbing uncontrollably when I told him), one of the first things he asked was,


“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”


What he meant was, “Why did you string me along for all these years when you were not happy? Why did you pretend? Is our whole relationship a lie?” etc.


In my defense, I thought I was “protecting” him from the awful truth. I was “protecting” him from being hurt. In the end, I hurt him more by keeping the truth from him. Why? Because I literally tricked him into believing we were “OK” so that I didn’t have to face his (and my parents’) negative reactions to the TRUTH. The reality was that I WAS BEING SELFISH BY STAYING IN THE MARRIAGE AND PRETENDING.


In fact, I had to get a serious illness before I could finally face the truth.


I hope it doesn’t come down to this for you. I went through a lot of pain. I’m sure you’re probably going through a lot too.


Here’s the good new – you don’t have to.


You have a CHOICE. You can be REAL and AUTHENTIC and have the courage to face whatever lies ahead OR or you can live the rest of your life pretending and full of obligation.


Your choice.


I know. It isn’t easy.


But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When you do your own personal growth work and have the courage to take 100% responsibility for your own happiness, you’ll find that what is best for you ends up being what is best for the other person (even it if doesn’t seem like it at the beginning).


My ex-husband is now in a relationship with a lovely woman who is his match. They have an amazing little daughter and I can truly say he is much much happier than he ever was married to me.


I highly encourage you to get some counseling or coaching as soon as possible. You need the support.



Dr. Karen Kan



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Dear Dr. Karen: How Do I Use the Law of Attraction to Create A Relationship With My Relative’s Best Friend?

Posted on 02 November 2008 by Dr. Karen

Hi Dr. Karen,

I am trying to manifest the love that I have been dreaming of, and have been waiting for all my life.

Almost 5 years ago, I met my relative’s best friend.  And the moment I saw him, someone/something at the back of my head told me that I was supposed to be with him.  Of course, at that time, I was married to my ex-husband, and he was invovled with someone else.  But something told me that we would end up being together.

5 years passed, and his relationship ended, and I’m currently in the middle of divorcing my ex.  We got together as friends (we called each other bffs), and as we hang out, we immediately acknowledge the fact that there is a very strong chemistry/connection there and very strong attraction that we have for each other.  We have so many things in common, and it seems that when we are together, everything makes sense.  My problem is, I am still stuck in my past relationship, and he also cannot make a commitment because of my present situation.  I can feel in my bones that he is the one — we are both happy just being together.  Both of us even made a comment (on separate times) to my relative as to how come he never got us together when we were both single, things could have been more simpler between us.

I want to manifest having a lasting, romantic, faithful, happy relationship with this man.  He is the man that I have been waiting for, and have always wanted in a partner.  I want to use the law of attraction to manifest this.  What can I do to make this happen?

Please help me for this is driving me mad.

Thanks in advance,


Dear Agnes,

Understand that when you consciously use the law of attraction to co-create with The Universe what you want, you need to TRUST the Universe’s timing. Given that you and this man have a fond connection for each other, there is something stopping you from realizing your intention: your impatience.

One of the steps in the manifesting process is called “creating a vacuum”, or making space. If you are still involved with your ex-husband, either practically or emotionally, it will not benefit your future relationship with the man you wish to be with. You need to complete the first relationship (in your case, because your new man also wishes this completion) in order to start “fresh”.

There is nothing stopping you from developing a deep friendship with your new love. Even though he may not want to turn it into a romantic relationship right now because of your situation, it doesn’t mean you can’t develop the BLUEPRINT for one right now. Evaluate and take responsibility for your contribution to past disappointments in your past relationship(s), so you can learn how you can create a better one. Don’t drag old non-supportive blueprints into your new relationship (and you WILL unless you have been working on new supportive ones.)

It is a learning process. To get what you want, you often have to stretch yourself and learn something new. This time around, it could be that you need to learn to be even more patient, to learn to have a loving platonic relationship (a deep one), or to learn to respect another’s boundaries. Or it could be that you need to release emotional baggage from your last relationship that is still hanging on (and preventing the vacuum from happening).

In time, if you two are wanting the same thing, you will get together. The same thing happened with one of my first passionate “loves”. It occurred with a man who I fell head over heels for while my marriage was breaking up. He and I had an incredibly strong attraction to each other and I had never felt such a connection before with anyone. He was everything my husband was not.;

He was with someone else and I was still married to my husband at the time. This man had gone through a relationship with a married woman in the past and told me how difficult it was. He had wisely decided that because of his experience, he would not enter into a relationship with me (a married woman). He did tell me, though, that at some point in the future, if we were to find ourselves single and available, he would be open to us getting together. I was devastated and I told him that I needed space to heal my broken heart.

For almost a year we did not speak to each other. I was hurting badly at the beginning, and couldn’t stop thinking about him and how we’d never be together.  But after separating from my husband, I contacted him. I found out he was single again as well. After several phone conversations, we decided to see each other. By then I had changed. Well, we both had changed. I realized that he was no longer my ideal partner. Although we had a fun and loving interaction, I realized that a long distance relationship (we lived in opposite ends of the country) wasn’t going to work. We decided just to be friends and we both have different partners now. Today, we are still very good friends and I appreciate all I have learned from my relationship with this man, including his wisdom.

So you see, I got what I wanted, (the two of us got together), but then I had “grown” and wanted something different.

I now have the partner of my dreams.

So my advice to you is to be patient. I know your heart is yearning (as was mine). Just trust that the Universe is co-creating your BEST new reality with you and for your highest good. Just focus on completing your divorce first and learning new relationship skills.


Dr. Karen Kan

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