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Dear Dr. Karen: Why Did My Blissful Law of Attraction Relationship Turn Sour?

Posted on 02 April 2010 by Dr. Karen

Hi Dr. Karen,

About 3 years ago I began learning about the Law of Attraction. Single at the time, I immediately made a list of the qualities I desired in a partner and began imagining meeting him. It worked VERY quickly: in 10 days I’d met who I thought was The One. The first year or so was blissful, but I gradually realized that we had MAJOR differences and incompatibilities. Now, 2.5 years into the relationship, our couple is seriously in danger of breaking apart and it has become clear to me that this is not The One after all. My question is this: how did I attract the wrong guy by using what is supposed to be the right method?

Hoping to hear from you,

Dear Katrin,

Great question and I’m glad you asked. You did a wonderful thing by intentionally manifesting your partner into your life. You took the time to make a list of qualities you desired in a partner and did your visualizations. Then 10 days later you met him! I hear many stories like yours so we know these Law of Attraction tools work.

So now things are going downhill and you can hardly believe why, and are questioning whether you attracted the wrong person in the first place. Well, I can understand why you’d believe that. We’ve all been conditioned from our parents, television, movies and society to believe that relationships are supposed to be blissful forever and that once you find the “right” person, you’re set for life…or at least it wouldn’t be this challenging?

Right? Ring true…even just a bit?

Here’s the thing. You didn’t attract the wrong guy. You attracted the right guy for where you were when you intentioned him into existence with the Law of Attraction. In other words, you attracted the right person for the level of consciousness you were vibrating at when you made your list. Are you with me so far?

So what went wrong? Well, here’s my perspective. Where we often go wrong in our relationships is that our expectations are unnatural. What do I mean by unnatural? OK, think of your relationship as a plant. What does a plant need to flourish? Water, sun, tender loving care right?

Do you know what most people do in relationship? They “fall asleep”. In other words, they do not nourish the “plant”. They do not tend to the plant on a regular basis. What would happen to a real life plant if one day, while admiring how beautiful it looked, you decided to suddenly stop watering it? After a few weeks, it would wither away and die wouldn’t it? What if you over-watered it and didn’t pay attention to its needs? It would also die.

In nature, something is either growing or dying. Another word for this is transformation. Nothing stands still…not even a rock (that is a quantum physics discussion I’m not going to go into right now). So if a plant is not growing, what is it doing?

It’s dying.

So in relationship, we are rarely taught as children as to how to tend to it, how to properly nourish it. We just assume that since it was beautiful to start with, it should remain so indefinitely.

This is an unnatural expectation!

Some would argue that they do indeed nourish their relationships. Their idea of nourishment means making sure they do their “half” of the chores, paying the bills, taking care of the children, going out eat once in a while, having sex etc. That is NOT what I’m talking about. The grand majority of people I know, myself included, go into a deep slumber when it comes to being conscious of how the relationship is growing or worse yet, if it is growing at all!

Here is how you know whether your relationship is growing:

  • You discover new things about yourself, how you tick, because of your relationship
  • You appreciate and discover new things about your partner, gifts you never recognized before
  • Conflict is less scary and you seem to be able to resolve them faster and easier, even if you disagree
  • You pursue your personal dreams – your mission – and your partner supports you in that or at least is neutral about it
  • You allow your partner to be who they are without trying to change them
  • You and your partner become more conscious of who you really are as individuals and why you attracted each other
  • You heal old patterns by practicing new ones with your partner
  • You’re willing to make mistakes in the relationship and learn from them instead of playing it safe all the time

This is not an inclusive list by far, but what I want to emphasize the most is that instead of expecting the relationship to stay the same, we ought to be focusing on actively growing it.

We all want a heart-connected relationship, don’t we? But most of the time we get so wrapped up in our daily lives that we lose consciousness of nurturing the relationship.

So why do relationships seem more difficult as time goes on?

We attract the partners we do because they serve as our spiritual teachers and healing partners. Even abusive ones, believe it or not. Often they play the same role as our parents did so that we can heal our childhood hurts. We literally PULL from them the negative things we experienced as children. If someone had taught us long ago that our partners’ role is to be our teacher, we’d then appreciate them for giving us a new opportunity to HEAL our past hurts.

But most people have no idea why they’ve chosen the partner they did.

Our partners can highlight for us our deepest shadow…something so uncomfortable that you feel like running away. But if you realize that your partner is your teacher and you can become conscious of what he is bringing up for you, you can heal it. And that does not necessarily obligate you to continue the relationship in its current form (i.e. you can split up if you want to).

Since most of us never went to Relationship School 101, myself included, we just muddle along the best we can. But truthfully, we all need guidance, mentorship and skilled support in the area of relationships.

So do you want to know what James and I do?

Firstly, we’ve committed to a couples session with our spiritual coach/healer on a monthly basis. Most of the time there is nothing “wrong”, but we go because we want to stay “awake” and we want to grow the relationship. It is amazing how quickly each of us can fall asleep! Without that objective third person to “see” through our old patterns, it can be very difficult to realize when we are getting caught up in them.

I’m a huge proponent of preventive “therapy”. In other words, I feel that couples that truly wish to flourish for a long time need to be reconnecting in a deeper way either through couples coaching/counseling on a regular basis, or through spiritual retreats and workshops at least twice a year. As well, having a weekly or monthly couples ritual can be vitally energizing to the relationship.

Why is it that people only seek “help” when their relationship is on the rocks? I’m sure you already know the answer to that question.

Secondly, make sure you dedicate a weekly “Date Night” where the agenda is just fun and connection. Pick something you both like doing and don’t let anything get in the way of “Date night”. If you have to reschedule it on occasion that is fine, but see its importance just like any other important commitment you’ve made such as going to work, brushing your teeth, exercising, paying your mortgage, etc.

So Katrin, are you ready to give up on your relationship? You can use the Law of Attraction again and again to intend the type of relationship you wish. It doesn’t end with just attraction The One. And remember, growing requires some degree of getting out of your comfort zone, so get some coaching, guidance and professional support, even if it is only for yourself.

What you do not “heal” from your past in this relationship, will resurface in the next (thanks to the Law of Attraction). You cannot escape it. It is part of becoming the biggest, happiest SELF you can become. You might as well become conscious of what you are supposed be learning in this relationship before you abandon it completely.

I believe in you.
Dr. Karen Kan

PS Let me know what you think of this article by commenting below.

PPS As you may know, I’m an avid reader of all sorts of personal growth books. This month, I’m highly recommending these two books: Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie and The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz.

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