When The Law of Attraction Isn’t Bringing You What You Want

Remember The Law of Attraction teachings? You are a projector and receiver of frequency, information. Try as you might, do you ever feel like nothing you’re doing is working to bring you more of what you want? Maybe you’ve tried positive thinking, gratitude journaling, mind-movies, imagery, meditation, singing bowls, yoga, EFT, TAT…and still nothing is happening?

I may have the answer for you.

This may be a strange article for some. But I’m going out on a limb here and connecting my experience as a holistic medical doctor, energy worker and coach all together to bring you an extremely important message. You’re probably not going to hear this from any other Law of Attraction expert who isn’t a medical professional.

Brain “short-circuits” May Cause Relationship Problems

What I’m about to tell you is a recent discovery of mine, but I believe the discovering is profound and I really want to share it with you.

For many years now, I’ve been helping my patients heal holistically by using a combination of acupuncture, sound therapy, nutritional therapy and holistic health counseling. Most everyone who stuck with the program got well and many went from being disabled to being productive and happy again.

But there were always a handful of patients who never got better permanently. They’d feel great after acupuncture but the well-being would only last hours to days and then return to baseline. Nothing in my tool kit at the time could help them transform from a state of low energy, pain and depression to one of light and good energy. Although they appreciated my loving care, it frustrated me that I didn’t understand why they weren’t getting better like the rest.

Common among these “non-responders” were symptoms of depression, anxiety, PMS, chronic pain and fatigue. Most of them had strained relationships and some even refused to see people because everyone “drained” them of energy.

Well, about four months ago, everything changed because I learned something very profound.

An Enlightening Experience

The first thing that happened is that  I learned a new technique to check someone’s nervous system balance and regulation (a.k.a. brain balance). It was quick, easy and reproducible and I have Dr. Robert Stashko to thank for that. Basically a simple two-part muscle test could determine whether someone’s brain (nervous system) was “short-circuited”.

Then a new “anti-stress” patch product was released by a company that I work with. On a whim, I decided to use this patch on the acupuncture points on the head while testing someone for brain balance. To my utter shock, I discovered that this simple device could immediately brain balance someone.

The first person I tested was a friend and really didn’t have any symptoms. He just wanted to decalcify his pineal gland. I won’t go into why, but let’s just say he had read about it in a book.  When I tested him, he failed badly at which point he quipped, “Do you think the five concussions I had have anything to do with it?”

He was bald so he agreed  to patch the top of his head (this isn’t the only acupuncture point I use with people) with this patch every day for two weeks. When he returned two weeks later, I repeated the brain balance test and he was now normal. I asked him for feedback and what he said seemed rather odd to me at first:

“I’m not sure if it is the patch but I seem to be really connecting with people more lately…and even people that used to annoy me are now tolerable. There’s been a lot of synchronicities I can’t explain. And basically I don’t seem to be bothered about too much these days.”

I didn’t know what to think about his comment, but decided to continue brain balancing every patient that walked in the door because I knew it was important to get the brain back on track.

Well after a few weeks of doing this, amazing stories began to emerge. Although I wasn’t surprised that their physical complaints were getting better (sleeping better, more energy, losing weight, better mood, less stress), what amazed me was what my patients shared about the positive changes to their lives.

A couple who had been in a bitter divorce suddenly began communicating to each other again in a civil manner… People who were mired in co-dependent relationships were suddenly able to “let go” of negative relationship patterns after years of being unable to do so… One divorced patient suddenly began dating a wonderful man she had had a crush on many years ago…and another patient suddenly found the perfect house to buy.

The list goes on and on.

It was as if the brain balancing with the patch helped each person listen to their Higher Self. For many, it was the first time they “heard” their guidance so clearly.

What was clear to me was that when my patients were “brain balanced”, they automatically and effortlessly made better life decisions. Not only that, they attracted more positive opportunities, positive relationships and even more money.

To be honest I had NO IDEA that repairing the short-circuit in the brain would have such profound effects.

Do You Need a Brain Re-Wiring?

Almost 100% of new patients coming to see me fail the brain balance test. I can always tell who is brain balanced or not by how well they are doing. And the minute they “fall off the wagon”, I know why.

So how do you know if YOUR brain is affecting your life and your relationships? If you’ve struggled with stress, bad relationships, fear, scarcity, insecurity, irritability etc., it might not be your FAULT! You might have a brain short-circuit. If you’re stressed out all the time, you are 100% guaranteed to FAIL the brain balance test.

Here is a partial list of the most common reasons people’s brains get short-circuited:

• Electromagnetic radiation from using cell phones, cordless phones, wireless internet, iPads etc.
• Head injuries, concussions, hard falls
• Toxins to the brain such as aspartame, MSG, mercury and lead

Here’s the good news. It is easy to get your brain balance back and the positive transformations occur rapidly, within one or two weeks. All you have to do is “patch your head” with this anti-stress patch, drink lots of water. Of course it helps to live a healthy lifestyle, but having your brain balanced this way will often motivate you to live healthier.

 
Then the next thing you do is to prevent your brain from short-circuiting again by using corded phones and getting a hard-wire internet connection. If you must use wireless, laptops, cell phones and iPads, at least purchase a protective device. And PLEASE don’t use artificial sweeteners!

So if you could use help with your Law of Attraction projector and receiver device (i.e. your BRAIN) and you’d like to try out the head patching for a month, contact me to purchase a month’s supply and I’ll make sure you know how to use them. You’ll only need a couple weeks of patching to notice the difference.

 
Brain Balance Enhances Your Law of Attraction Results
Lastly, don’t let go of all your Law of Attraction tools (meditation, imagery, EFT, TAT etc.) go to waste, because when you’re “patched” and brain balanced, those tools work even better!
Blessings,
Dr. Karen Kan
P.S. please comment if this post was helpful!

One of my healing counselors, Patricia Lee Jones, of Healing Adventures, just wrote a great article on “how to have a happy marriage”. It is the second of the series and she asked to use my photo with James, my romantic partner.

The reason I encourage you to read this article is because she talks about a “new” way of connecting to people. The new intimacy isn’t about sharing secrets, your daily troubles or even sex. The basis of the new intimacy is based on something called Core Essence. If this is a new term for you, you’ll want to read on:

Here is the LINK

Even when your mate is disgruntled or doing something that annoys you, you can still be in a positive intimate connection with them. Amazing isn’t it? When you learn these skills, based in energy medicine (my specialty), your whole world of connecting with others will shift in such a positive way, you’ll wonder how you ever functioned without them.

And the cool thing is, these skills aren’t hard to learn, and everyone who wants to know how to do it, can!

Here is the article.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

I have been married to my husband for 20 years and we have children. Even before we were married, he cheated on me. And he has time and time again! He lies and gets very defensive when I confront him, but eventually the truth comes out. I’ve left him seven times but I always go back. I’ve asked him to leave several times as well, but he always comes begging me to take him back.

And I always take him back because I love him so much. I still love him. I am tired of being hurt by him, but I remain suspicious that he’s seeing someone else behind my back. This way of life has tampered with my self-esteem and in search of solutions I have tried everything.

I now have come across the Law of Attraction but my doubts are still there: does he really love me and want to be with me? and can a situation like this change using the Law of Attraction? Please help!

Nina

Dear Nina,

Thanks for your honest letter. I hope my answer will be helpful to you. But first, I have a question for you?

What are you expecting the Law of Attraction to do for you?

Are you expecting it to magically change your husband so that he isn’t the “cheating type” any longer? Because if that is the case, then I can tell you very easily that the Law of Attraction doesn’t work this way. We can’t use the Law of Attraction to change other people against their free will.

However, what you CAN use the Law of Attraction for is to create happiness for yourself. Whether your husband is part of that ultimate happiness is up to you and the Universe to co-create together. Your Law of Attraction “wish” statement could be something like:

I am thoroughly enjoying a fulfilling romantic relationship with my soulmate.

Sometimes we fool ourselves in thinking we truly love someone when we only truly love certain parts, or aspects, of them. What I mean by this is that you seem to enjoy enough aspects of your spouse to keep him around. But there are aspects of him that you don’t like so you aren’t truly happy. Isn’t that right?

So here’s the truth of the matter:

• the highest form of love means being able to accept who our lovers are without judgment or expectation, but that doesn’t mean that you always like or enjoy what they are doing. There is a difference.
• you can’t change another person. You don’t have that kind of control. You can only change yourself and your reactions to situations. When you can change yourself and be fully responsible for your own happiness, then you’ll see the relationship shift remarkably.

So you have a couple of very simple choices here Nina. It is high time you took 100% responsibility for your experiences. He is not responsible for your unhappiness, you are. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you’ve been on this yo-yo ride for over 20 years now. When will you decide to change your experience? When will you realize that what you’ve been doing all these years doesn’t work?

Here are some choices:

You can choose to accept that your husband “cheats”,  and in that acceptance, you can enjoy him as much as possible when he’s around, and give up trying to change or criticize him for not being who you think he should be (the equivalent of telling a bear that it should acting like an antelope)

Do something drastically different for a change maybe. For example,  study books on open marriages or polyamory and see if any of those resonate with either of you. If “cheating” was genetic, like diabetes, would you be as judgmental of it? Probably not. I’m not saying it is, but what if it was?

Just trying to open minds here…

How about this new thought pattern: Can you entertain the possibility that your husband loving other people in no way diminishes his love for you? Does a candle flame diminish when it lights another candle? Love is light. Think about that.

I’m bringing this up because we’ve been unconsciously indoctrinated in the concept that the ONLY way a relationship can be successful is through monogamy. Anytime there is an absolute rule, we all should be questioning it’s validity, because somewhere, sometime, long ago, someone made that rule in order to control others.

Remember, it wasn’t long ago when women and children were considered a man’s property. And in some parts of the world, they still are (sigh!).

So Nina, in summary, you can either change your perspective (by letting go of victim-hood, judgment or expectations) or change your situation by leaving, but you can’t change him. Got it? Hope so.

So if you’re not willing to leave because having him around is BETTER than not having him around, then just admit to yourself that you’ve CHOSEN this relationship in its current form and stop being the victim. You’re not the victim here. You’re choosing this. When you can be compassionate with yourself about choosing this relationship, then you can let go of all the judgment of how imperfect it is and just ENJOY your husband.

If these steps seem too difficult for you, as I imagine they might be, I suggest that you book yourself into seeing a relationship coach or counselor and get some support. We all need support for our spiritual and personal growth, so I encourage you to be courageous and find an expert that you resonate with.

In the meantime, I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Neale Donald Walsch’s book on Relationships and read it over and over again:

You can also listen to the interview I did with him HERE.

I believe in you Nina. Thanks for helping others with your question.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan
P.S. Anyone reading this post, feel free to comment.

Just in case you didn’t get my message below about this complementary course, I’m resending this email to you. Please remember to scroll to the bottom to view my special offer which is ONLY for my subscribers, not anyone else. Can’t wait to hear what you think! Here is the email again:

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Do you want to make 2011 the year you finally find your true love?

If the answer is yes, I’m excited to be writing to you today with a special announcement that everyone who’s looking for love needs to hear.

Starting this Valentine’s Day, 21 some of the worlds leading love experts, colleagues of mine, are coming together online to guide you through a step-by-step program to magnetize the love of your life.

It’s absolutely FREE . . . and it’s happening right here—on your computer.

It’s called The Ultimate SOULMATE Summit and it’s being hosted by two of my dear colleagues, who also happen to be two of the world’s leading experts on attracting love—Arielle Ford & Claire Zammit.

You may be asking, “Is Dr. Karen going to be presenting at the Summit?” Regrettably, the answer is no, not this year. Valentine’s Day is my birthday (yes it is!) and my soulmate, James, and long ago had made plans for a romantic getaway to go skating on the worlds longest icerink that week! I’m so sorry that I am not going to be there live.

Nevertheless, there are so many great teachers who can help you! You may resonate with one more than another, so listen to them all if you can.
You can read all about it and register for free here.

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What makes this love event so special?
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This group of the world’s top authors, teachers, transformation experts and coaches all have one thing in common: they have devoted their lives to “cracking the codes” to attracting and sustaining BIG love. Each of them holds a transformational key that will help you attract and create the kind of love your heart longs for.

You’ll learn first-hand from experts like Dr. John Gray, Debbie Ford, Neale Donald Walsh, Dr. Helen Fisher, Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks, Katherine Woodward Thomas, Alison Armstrong, Christan Carter and more.

Never before have so many experts in the field of love and relationships gathered in one place to help you discover exactly what you need to do to overcome the barriers that are keeping you from attracting the love of your life. You’ll:

• Finally take the guesswork out of finding a Soulmate!
• Discover a simple series of proven steps that you could take to attract a loving, committed, sacred partnership, not just with anyone, but with “the one.”
• Learn these time-tested secrets from 21 of the world’s top experts without paying a dime

To make 2011 the year you find your Soulmate, I encourage you to take advantage of this opportunity right now and register for the event today.

Remember… the event is FREE and it’s all from the comfort of your own home.

Enjoy the Ultimate Soulmate Summit! I’m sure you’re going to love it!

IMPORTANT: Since I feel a little bad about not being available to you for this event, I’m going to offer you something special. If you register and attend the event (I should be getting a list), I will be offering you a complementary Law of Attraction in Love Group Coaching session. To keep things simple, we’re only going to allow a small group – so please register now to secure your place. We’ll be contacting you separately for when we will have the coaching session.

Blessings,
Dr. Karen
www.LawofAttractioninLove.com

PS: Remember, the Ultimate Soulmate Summit is brought to you at no charge. Plus, when you register today, you’ll get a free virtual Gift Bag with added bonuses from Dr. John Gray, Marci Shimoff, The Soulmate Secret & Calling in “The One”.

PPS: Help us “share the love” and forward this email to your single friends, colleagues and family members- they’re sure to appreciate the invitation.

The Ultimate Soulmate Summit

With Kim Olver’s new book, Secrets of Happy Couples: Loving Yourself, Your Partner, and Your Life, you’ll have a more loving and satisfying relationship. Because of my relationship with Kim, you got a sneak peak at the valuable advice in the book via the Law of Attraction in Love Radio Show on Monday January 31^st when I interviewed Kim before the official launch of her book! If you didn’t get a chance to catch it live, you can listen to or download the archives for f’ree!

Secrets of Happy Couples explains:

• Exclusive insights and suggestions gained by researching and surveying happy couples
• Practical advice from a range of experts synthesized into learnable lessons
• Tips for identifying problems and what to do about them
• A unique and novel 3-step process for surviving affairs
• The power of moving beyond “tolerating” differences to truly appreciating them
• How to meet your partner’s needs and your own at the same time

PLUS!  If you purchase TODAY you will receive more than 60 phenomenal free gifts valued at over $3,500.00! But you must purchase NOW to get your free gifts! Go to  http://www.SecretsofHappyCouples.com

I wholeheartedly recommend this book to people looking for a more satisfying relationship in their lives (and that’s not just because I was one of the “experts” interviewed for the book)!  Whether you are looking for your ultimate love relationship or hoping to improve the one you already have, Secrets of Happy Couples will provide you with a roadmap to a happy, fulfilling and satisfied relationship.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

PS This is one of the books I will be recommending from now on, to everyone, as one of their relationship “bibles”. Why? Because the information in it is FUNDAMENTAL. Kim has done a wonderful job putting this book together and it is an easy read.

Wow! What a busy month. And there is more to come. I am so excited to bring you the most amazing teachers in the field of relationships and Law of Attraction.

Monday, I’ve added an extra Law of Attraction in Love radio show segment called Secrets of Happy Couples. My colleague Kim Olver has written an amazing book documenting the common threads that all happy couples seem to have. She interviewed relationship experts, including me, as well as conducting her own research on “real” happy couples.

Whether you’re single or already in a relationship that could use a “boost”, I feel that Kim Olver’s book is one of those special books that will be known a must-read book for anyone looking to have a happy fruitful relationship. It was written to help people in committed relationships find happiness within themselves and with each other. It is the second in the InsideOut Empowerment Series.

So join me Monday as I interview Kim Olver. Details are below:

January 31, Monday, 12 NN EST or 9 AM PST

Call in number: (347) 945-6313 and then punch in “1” so I will see you in the moderator queue (so I can un-mute your line)

The show will be posted on www.blogtalkradio.com/drkaren, and you can use/download this afterwards

Blessings,
Dr. Karen Kan

PS there are a few days left for our eBook special! Purchase my Creating Your Fairytale Love Life eBook and receive special bonuses: see the details on our special secret link: www.lawofattractioninlove.com/holiday. The special is until January 31st.

PPS Stay tuned! I have a very important announcement on an upcoming free course for singles who wish to attract their soulmates!

Hi Dr. Karen

Ive done a lot of research into the Law of Attraction. I’m seriously pursuing a soul mate. I did the laundry list & came up with my list of wants. There was 26 .. The next phase would be manifestation & detachment.

What do I do during this detachment phase??.. Do I keep visualizing my wants or how do I go about it??.. Please help because that’s the part I don’t understand.

Thank you,

Christina

Dear Christina,

Congrats for making your clear list of “who” you would like to attract into your love life! You’re right about detachment – it is an important step. I think the book I just finished reading, Manifesting Change by Mike Dooley says it best. Like in my Creating Your Fairytale Love Life eBook, you first create your wish list and use that to generate the “feeling” of already having manifested your dreams.

Then you detach emotionally from needing your dream to come true the way you think it should, but instead become open to something even better coming along. The Universe, when given plenty of wiggle room, will always find the best, most perfect and entertaining ways of getting you what you really want.

So in the detachment phase, your job is to, as Mike says, move in the general direction of your dreams. To give you a concrete example. If my dream is to become the best adult pairs figure skater in the world, moving in the general direction of my dreams means putting the time into to training and getting good coaching.

So to manifest your ideal partner, what are you doing to move in the general direction of your dreams? Here’s the trick, you don’t have to be moving in the “right” direction…you just have to be moving. Mike uses a great analogy in his book. When you use a GPS device in your car, you first need to input the destination right?

What happens if you don’t move? Yup, nothing.

What if you move in the opposite direction by mistake? The GPS will steer you towards the final destination and eventually you’ll make it there despite the number of detours you may take.

So you need to decide what you can do to move towards your dream. Is it cleaning out your closets so that your dream partner’s “stuff” can fit in them? Is it getting more “social” and taking a class you’ve always been interested in? Is it getting more fit so you feel good and strong in your body (and thus your vibration will be strong)?

Get a copy of Mike’s newest book if you’ve already read mine. It is a perfect compliment.

I believe in you. Let me know if this has been helpful by commenting below.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

Marianna

Dear Marianna,

Great question.

Many of us had the misunderstanding that if you allow yourself to think “negative” or non-supportive thoughts, that it would automatically prevent your intentions from manifesting. Because of this misunderstanding, thousands of people got “upset” whenever they noticed a negative thought or an unhappy feeling.

I’m here to clear the air about this misunderstanding. Most of us, even monks and spiritual masters, cannot control what thoughts pop up in our minds most of the time. Thoughts have a way of mysteriously popping up. In other words, your subconscious is not within your conscious control!

The difference between spiritual masters and us “regular” folks is that they’ve spent years training their minds not to give negative thoughts or feelings any ENERGY. It isn’t so bad to have impatient or negative thoughts. It is what you do with them that counts. When they come, do you REACT to them? Or can you just observe them and let them float away, like a leaf floating on a stream?

Our reaction to our thoughts is the ENERGY I’m talking about. The Law of Attraction works on what energy you are putting out. It is completely normal during the course of learning how to manifest something new that everyone entertains doubts. But when those doubts come, do you let it stop you from trusting the process or moving forward?

I believe that the reason I was “able” to manifest my dream partner despite my thoughts of “Why isn’t he here yet?” was that I had a STRONGER belief underneath it that knew that if other people could do it, I could too. I put MORE energy into the positive, than I did into the negative or non-supportive thoughts.

Think of it as a scale. I had much more energy (weight) on the positive side than the negative, but on occasion, the negative side would be heavier…but it didn’t last long.

Things in life aren’t perfect. The stronger energy in the “positive” drew teachers and coaches and books to me to show me how to expand beyond my limited thinking.

The Universe even “tipped” me off after I met James that he was the “one” I was asking for. You see, I didn’t “see” him as my perfect partner. He didn’t seem to match my criteria. I wanted a figure skater. I wasn’t expecting a younger man. But a friend synchronistically told me about a movie that came out called Cutting Edge 2 where a figure skater manifests her dream skating partner who happens to be an aggressive inline skater and surfer (exactly what James, my partner, was when I met him!).

So you see, you don’t have to be dismayed or react at all to your questioning “Where is he?” Just acknowledge the thought, then remind yourself that The Universe knows the quickest, fastest and best way to get that person to you. And if that person you wish is not an energetic match to who you are right now, you have some GROWING work to do!

Don’t worry. You’ll be given the opportunity to grow if you just stay open to receiving. Synchronicities happen all the time. Let the Law of Attraction work for you in love by staying open and quickly shifting your unsupportive thoughts to ones that work better for you.

I believe in you. If you get stuck, we can always do one-on-one coaching…

Blessings,
Dr. Karen
www.LawofAttractioninLove.com

PS Please write me comments on what you think of this post!

I really wanted to respond to Adrian (see letter below) because his situation reminded me of my own years ago when I was in University. It is a lengthy letter to me, but if you have the inclination, please read it and my response, and please send positive energy to Adrian…

Dear Dr. Karen

When I was 17 years old I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, a type of lymphatic cancer. While going through my treatments I never gave up hope that I would be fine and I did turn out fine. I am currently 18 and I speak at schools about life and the meaning of positivity in it. My life was put on hold and one major aspect of it had to be held out for even longer, my love life.

I have known, cared and loved this girl for 10 years of my life. We met on a vacation and our families meet each other every year at the same place at the same time for a month. I was planning on telling her how I felt the year that I was diagnosed but unfortunately I was diagnosed 3 days before our vacation and my dreams were crushed. I made a vow that the next year when I was healthy, I would tell her and everything would be perfect. This year came and I did tell her and EVERYTHING went perfect.

I’ve loved this girl ever since I met her and I truly believe that she is the one, the one I will marry. She lives 8 hours away from me, I am in Canada and she is in the US. We’ve always kept in touch and we still keep in touch via Skype and phone. I am willing to do whatever it takes to be with her, anything. She is 4 years older than me.

I talk to my parents about her and they shut me down because it is a ”long distance relationship”. I do not care because I will stop at nothing to be with her. We feel the same way for each other but she is concerned about the period of time it will be for me to honestly be with her. I am considering moving to the states once I am done school to be with her, but for now I must finish school but there will always be time to visit her.

Dr. Karen I love this woman and I want nothing else than to see her and her smile. I cry at night because I cannot be with her right now. She was also asked by a guy to go out on a date and her parents make her think that what we have isn’t ready right now, so that she can still be happy and date guys. When she told me this the only thing I could do was to pray and release my emotions. I told her that she could date him, I just want her to be happy. I told her the saying ”If you love something so much, let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be.” I pray that my parents will allow me to go to the states in December or October, (when I have breaks) and I just want them to understand how dedicated I am. My priorities are school, my family and the girl.

Karen I need advice, please, I want nothing else than to be with her. I need advice on how to deal with this Karen, please. The only factors holding me back from seeing her are time, and my parents. It’s been really tough lately and I just pray that I could see the future.

Adrian

Dear Adrian,

Thanks for your heartfelt letter. I really empathize with your situation Adrian. When I was 19, I went through something similar with my first “love”. As the first-born child, my parents were very protective and when I announced to them I had a new boyfriend, I was heartbroken when instead of being happy for me, they seemed fearful and angry.

From my parent’s reactions, I came to the conclusion that they didn’t trust my judgment. They told me in not so many words that I was “too young” to be truly in love and that I went into the relationship too quickly without really thinking. I was basically taught not to trust my own feelings.

Yikes.

Good thing I know better now, but it has taken me almost two decades to listen to my own intuition and act from that place.

The relationship between myself and my parents suffered a great deal of strain because I stuck to my guns (thank goodness for my stubborn side!). My boyfriend made it “worse” by proposing to me after our first year of dating!

I remember crying A LOT, not because I wasn’t connected to my love, but because I let the criticism from my parents cut through me like a knife. There was little that I wanted more than their loving approval.

That was the “approval-seeking-me” back then.

Despite the years of stress with my parents, I wouldn’t change a thing. We now have a much closer relationship than ever before. I learned so much from my relationship with my first boyfriend (who became my husband). Even though we parted ways after we learned as much as we could from each other (and it was time to move on), I do not regret “going against” my parent’s advice.

Nevertheless, I’m not going to advise you to ditch your parents. What I would do, however, is to demonstrate your maturity by making sure you are acting as lovingly responsible as any 18 year old could be.

When my first love and I had to have a long distance relationship, my parents were pleased because they were certain we would break up. Instead, we grew closer. If you want it, Adrian, you’re going to have to fight for it. You have the advantage that you’ve already been through cancer. I see that as an advantage because you’ve been through a life and death situation. People having gone through cancer often have greater clarity of what is important in our lives.

And there is nothing more important than love.

Please be compassionate towards your parents. They are just scared. They want the best for you, even if they couldn’t possibly know what that is. Here’s a little exercise I want you to do to help your parents trust you a little more.

Do this every day if you can.

It is simple. Tell them how much you appreciate them and why. Appreciation never gets old when it is genuine. I’ve seen miracles happen with this exercise. If you’re too shy, start by writing it daily in a journal, but then work up to saying it via email, text messaging, phone and face-to-face. Are you willing to do this?

Lastly, temper your emotional responses to your parents’ criticism. Don’t take it personally. Know that it is just “their stuff” not yours. They are just projecting onto you their own fears and insecurities when they criticize you. See if you can just feel the love underneath all that. If they don’t allow you to see your girlfriend, just let them know that you feel sad about their decision but you understand that they need to do what they are most comfortable with….

…but then you can decide, at age 18, to go see your girlfriend anyway and prepare for the consequences.

Adrian, this isn’t easy, but you have the wisdom within to tell you what to do. Just do your best to stay respectful of your parents while also being true to yourself. They are going to ask you the hard questions – they are going to test you. If you can’t answer something you can just reflect back to them the issue they are concerned about.

Example:

Parents: You’re too young to be so attached. How long do you think “first loves” really last anyway?

Mature You: It sounds like you’re really concerned about my happiness and don’t want me to be sad or disappointed. Is that right? You know, I really appreciate you for your concern and your love. I’m sure there will be times I will be sad or heartbroken – it’s just part of life, but I also know that you’ve raised me to be strong enough to bounce back from anything like I bounced back from cancer. I just want you to know I’m not scared of being hurt.

Keep praying Adrian. Pray in the way that you already see yourselves together and happy.

This lifetime just happens once. If you died tomorrow, would you regret anything?

I believe in you.

Blessings,
Dr. Karen

P.S. When my baby sister (who is six years younger) announced her engagement, instead of admonishing her, my father said, “It’s about time”. My brother-in-law has NO IDEA what my husband and I went through to make it easy for them! My husband and I paved the way…and we’re happy we did.
P.P.S. Please comment on this post and share your wisdom and thoughts!

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