Dear Dr Karen,

I have a question regarding taking action in order to manifest my dream partner. I currently live at home with my family and the only action and acting ”as if” steps I have been able to take are sleeping on one side of my bed, cleaning out my bathroom drawers and cupboards and leaving an extra toothbrush, towel, face washer and shower puff in my bathroom.

I am working on cleaning out some of my wardrobe space for his clothes and of course, I have written down my dream partner”s laundry list of attributes and qualities and am doing my embodying exercises every day.

My question then is since I still live at home, are these small actions inadequate or not enough? Is there more I should be doing?

Kind Regards,
S

Dear S,

You’ve done a fabulous job of working on your “acting as if” exercises, and it sounds like your attribute list is specific. So congratulations! Keep on doing your embodying exercises.

Your question is a good one which is why I’m answering it today. So are you asking whether that fact that you live with your family is preventing or detering your dream partner from coming around? That is, that what you’re doing is “not enough”?

If so, the answer is, “It depends”.

Even though on the surface it would seem contradictory to be putting so much effort into manifesting your dream partner while you still live in your parents home…unless you plan to attract someone who also wishes to live in your parents home, all is not lost.

The most important thing you can do is to “practice” the feeling of already having the partner you desire. So the rituals you are practicing is to create the vibrational state of having your partner already.

If you desire him/her to be with you in the home you now live, that is one thing, if not, then visualize (embody) scenarios where you live elsewhere.

That being said, you’ll want to make preparations for moving out of your parents’ home. It doesn’t mean you have to move out immediately, but it means that you need to make some goals and set up a timeline or plan as to when you want to be self-sufficient..even if that means renting a small apartment a mile away.

Why is that important?

Well, in my experience, a person really learns who they are by living on their own and experiencing all their choices first hand without parental interference so to speak. The confidence you gain will help you attract a partner who will not only love you for who you are, but will respect you as well (because you respect yourself).

When you know you can be happy and make it on your own without “someone” you’re leaning on for financial support (for example), you’ll be able to attract a higher level partner who is also able to be happy and confident.

You don’t want to “need” someone. Instead you want to be whole and you want your partner to be whole. Two “whole” people, not two halves.

So keep up the good work with your exercises. Now is the time to keep stretching yourself further. When you feel like you’re risk-taking a bit and you are a little uncomfortable, that usually means you are growing, and you’re headed in the right direction!

If you’re too comfortable (in your parents’ home), that may be a sign that your energy is not expanding big enough to magnetically attract the dream partner that matches your list. Make sense? Of course if you’re 15 years old, moving out may be a bit premature! So use your intuition when reading and interpreting my advice.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

Comments? Please let me know what other advice you’d like to give or what you think of my post.

Dr. Karen,

Tia

Dear Tia,

In my experience, visualizing what you want is just PART of the manifesting process. If you’ve read my Creating Your Fairytale Love Life eBook, you’ll remember that there are approximately seven steps to the manifesting process. What I’ll share here is complimentary to what I wrote in the book, so I won’t repeat what’s in the book.

It is more than possible through the Law of Attraction to see these “new” behaviors in your relationship. However, it is going to take some effort and discipline on your part to co-create this. This isn’t about him changing as much as it is about you changing. Really.

Visualization is a powerful tool if you can feel it as a “whole body” experience. Imagine ideal (and believable) situations where you are both enjoying the romance of the moment and how that feels in your body. Do the exercise daily. Your partner may notice a mysterious twinkle in your eye afterwards if you’re practicing this successfully. The power of visualizations depends on repetition AND being able to feel it in your body (not just thinking about it in your mind).

Visualizing is just one of many manifesting tools. A crucial step in harnessing the Law of Attraction is consistent ACTION. In other words, visualization without relevant action is not very useful. Here is what I recommend you do next.

Look really hard for behaviors in your partner that you enjoy and like and make sure you give him appreciation for them, each and every time. This means homework on your part. Make it a daily exercise for at least thirty days (so it becomes a habit) to look for things you appreciate about your partner and tell him about it.

Better yet, don’t just tell him your appreciation verbally. Tell him with your body. Melt your body into his, look into his eyes and glow with loving appreciation for those “little” things he does to show his love for you, even if you don’t consider them “romantic”.

Our partners are our mirrors. If you feel he’s been taking you for granted, you’re probably doing the same in his perception, even if it is unconsciously. Look for ways you have been taking him for granted and start correcting your behavior so that you start giving him the recognition YOU’D like to receive yourself.

Next exercise: start doing romantic things for yourself and for him. Bring out your “Goddess”. For example, get yourself a bouquet flowers and if he asks you why, just tell him you did it because it makes you feel feminine and romantic (only if that is true, of course). Take a bath by candlelight and ask him to join you. Start a tickle fight on the couch. Watch a romantic movie then “attack him” with loving kisses afterwards.

Take belly dancing classes and start “practicing” all over the house in your coin skirt, nudging him with your hips as you shimmy by. Offer a foot rub. Leave sticky notes in odd places around the house (like inside the bathroom cabinet) that say, “I love you!” or “I love your butt!” etc.

I want you to have fun with this. If any of these suggestions make you feel uncomfortable….GOOD! You have room to grow!

So let us know what happens!

If anyone reading this blog post has any other suggestions for Tia, please share them by posting a comment to this blog.

Dr. Karen Kan
www.lawofattractioninlove.com

P.S. Are you stuck at all? Do you think you could use some coaching? If you’re interested group tele-coaching, let me know now as I’m forming a coaching group soon. Click here for more information.

Dear Dr. Karen,

An Indian priest told me I would never have a long lasting relationship with a man.  I’m tired of having my heart broken. I’m just wondering; what is the purpose of trying when you know it won’t last?

Mona

Dear Mona,

Having your heart broken is indeed tiring if it is something that happens over and over again, and you do not feel you have grown or benefited from the experience. On the other hand, the “most joyful” people on this earth are willing to “try” over and over again and possibly get their hearts broken. Why? Because it is in the journey that they learn the most amazing things about themselves and others.

So the direct answer to your question of “What is the purpose of trying when you know it won’t last?” would be:

“because I learn something new and wonderful about myself and others each time I try…and I become closer to my true Self”

Mona, even though this is the “answer” to your question, we’ll have to go deeper because the actual question you are asking isn’t what you truly want to know, is it?

Here are some other questions for you to ask yourself:

1.  If the Indian priest, whom I trust, tells me that I will never have a long lasting relationship, is that really my fate? Can I not change that fate?

2.  Am I willing to relegate my responsibility to co-creating what I want to another person who tells me it is impossible?

3.  Would I be willing to risk having my “heartbroken” if I knew that it was just part of the journey towards manifesting my ideal relationship?

4.  If my capacity for joy and peace is proportional to my willingness to experience pain and suffering, would I be open to experience what I need to learn in order to get to the other side?

Here’s the thing, Mona. You clearly want something different from what the Indian priest told you, right? So you have a decision to make. Those who have been studying and training the Law of Attraction will tell you that your desire is a powerful magnet to co-creating your reality with the Universe.

Your choices: You decide that you believe whatever the Indian priest says and you cannot change your fate OR you decide that what he/she said was just one perspective but that you choose to believe you can create a different reality.

It is up to you. I, for one, would prefer to create my own destiny. Of course, what we co-create is not in a vacuum…the outcome has to be in the highest good of all in order for it to happen. So in your situation, unless you can come up with a really GREAT reason that the world would NOT benefit from you being in a happy relationship, (maybe there is one, but I can’t think of any) then there is a possibility that you can achieve what you want.

Does that make sense?

Besides, what the Indian priest was “reading” when you saw him/her was your energy field at that moment in time. The energy you emanated was one of lack and disappointment, so it makes sense that your “future” was headed for the same energetic imprint. He/she was correct in their “reading”.

However, your “future” can change moment to moment depending on the average energetic field you are emanating. So to change your “future” you need to shift your current energy field to a higher vibration from one of lack and disappointment to one of gratitude and abundance.

Thus, even though the priest may have been “correct” in his reading at the time, it can become completely wrong if you jump to a new energy stream. And to jump to a new energy stream, all you need to do is start growing.

If all of us do not grow, do you know what we do? We die. Growing or evolving is part of our human journey. Plants are either growing or dying. They don’t stay still. Get it?

So if you’re getting the “same old thing” happening to you in relationships, it either means you haven’t learned from your past relationships and shifted into a higher energy state, or that the perception you have chosen does not serve you in getting you what you want.

Here is a quick exercise you can do immediately to start shifting a perception that doesn’t serve you. Instead of dumping all of your previously heartbreaking relationships into the “that was a waste of time and the only good thing it did was to hurt me” bucket, I want you to make a list of all the GIFTS you were given as a result of those relationships….and I mean EACH AND EVERY ONE.

Are you stumped yet? Or are you excited to start growing?

Can you not appreciate ANY of the gifts? Because there are many. To the extent you can “see” those gifts, you will shift into higher energy state, thereby moving towards (as opposed to away from) manifesting what you want.

Here’s a summary:

• You can choose to see your past as just “hurts” or as gifts from which you can grow and move closer to what you wish to manifest
• The priest will be “right” about his prediction if you do not consciously decide that he is not, (you take back the responsibility for co-creating your life instead of giving it to others)
• You have the power to co-create your reality even it is different from the one the priest told you about
• You need to move into a higher energy state in order to achieve a reality you have not been able to create previously
• Working on your personal growth is the way to move into a higher energy state

Mona, I challenge you to write down (you can use the comment section below the blog post) every gift you can appreciate from your past “heartbreaking” relationships, so you can move forward. This is just a start. Often we need help in shifting our energy. What you can do is get support from someone who has already accomplished what you wish to accomplish and learn from that person.

I believe in you.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

www.lawofattractioninlove.com

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Blessings,
Dr. Karen
www.lawofattractioninlove.com

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Very often I’m reminded just how wonderful it is to be experiencing life with the love of my life. In my first relationship, my husband and I were often at odds with what we both liked and disliked. It seemed like a stretch everytime we tried to think of things we’d like to do together. I remember (as I’m sure he did as well) compromising time and time again.

Although it was challenging to “be” with someone who wasn’t a great fit for me, I am grateful for the experience because NOW I can really APPRECIATE what I have! Isn’t that the case with many of us? We don’t know or appreciate what we have until we first experience the opposite?

This Christmas Holiday season was another instance where I experienced my Divine other giving truly from his heart. A few days before we travelled for Christmas, he ran out of the house suddenly right after we had come back from skating. He was in such a hurry to “pick up last minute Christmas gifts”, I couldn’t imagine what the emergency was!

The next day, I saw an elongated package under the tree. James was so afraid that I would guess my present since he knew how intuitive I can be. But so not the ruin the surprise, I decided to block myself from even guessing or thinking about the gift until Christmas morning.

So December 25th morning finally came and we were unwrapping presents at my parents house. For the first time, I felt the gift. It was heavy. Immediately I knew what it was, but I could hardly believe he got it for me!

What was it?

When I ripped open the wrapping, I discovered the vinyl banner I’ve wanted for the last four years.

This vinyl banner is special. It was one of the one-of-a-kind banners hanging from the Olympic Arena (box office entrance) celebrating the 25th anniversary of the 1980 Olympics. It had a special photo of a figure skater on it. Well, that figure skater was ME.

Yes! It was a photo of me. And no one from the Olympic Center even knew that in 2005 they “happened” to choose MY photo out of hundreds of photos from a stock photo company. While in Los Angeles, I did what all good Los Angelinos do…audition for something! In this case it was for sports stock photography.

The problem four years ago was that I had asked to buy the banner from the Olympic Center (whenever they were done with it) and was flatly refused. I was dejected, but every week, I felt a lift when going to the rink for practice because I’d look up and see it hanging there at the entrance.

Then Skate America2009  came to Lake Placid and the arena  had a complete makeover. My banner was suddenly taken down. So much for my “lift”. I thought I’d never see “my” banner again.

But James, my dream partner, took the opportunity to do whatever he could to find that poster and give it to me for Christmas. He asked one of the senior administrators (who was shocked to learn it was a photo of me) and told him that he’d pay anything to get it for me (such a sweetie). Much to his surprise, the administrator offered it to him free of charge!

Wow!

So on Christmas day, my dream of having this banner as a momento came true. I waited four years and never thought it could happen, but James felt the opportunity to give me joy and took quick action!

25th Anniversary Banner for the 1980 Olympics

There are two lessons here:

1. I believe that if you’re truly connected to your partner, you will be able to intuit each other’s desires and feelings and act according to each other’s highest good.
2. The Universe always knows what the best timing is to manifest what you desire. It wouldn’t have been the same emotional impact had I procured the banner for myself four years ago. Thus, we can all just “let go and let God” a little more, eh?

If you haven’t signed up for my free Attracting Love eCourse and the free GOODIES, please do so today!

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

P.S. Please comment below and tell me what you think!

My partner, James, just told me about an old high school friend he just connected with on Facebook. She was lamenting that her daughter, who lost her dad in the military, has been in the hospital due to mental distress. He was asking me about what he could do to counsel his friend.

I suggested two things, the first of which was specific to James’ skill as a healer. I told him that he could do a distance Reiki healing on the daughter. He would have to sense telepathically whether she would accept the healing before proceeding (us healers don’t IMPOSE our healings on others if they don’t want it).

The second thing I suggested was for him to tell his friend to write daily journal entries (5 minutes is all that is required) stating all the things she appreciates about her daughter for at least 30 days in a row. Since she lives far away from her daughter, she cannot be by her side to comfort her, and of course as a mother she is worried.

When we try to help people, our worrying adds to their burden. Instead, we want to send a higher vibrational energy stream their way. This journaling exercise is a great way to do it.

So if you have someone you care about in a crisis, the best thing you can do without even having to tell them, is a daily appreciation exercise. This will help them feel better about themselves believe it or not.

I had a case where a patient’s son was suicidal. My patient lived far away so he was distraught he could not help his son. I had him do this exercise for 30 days straight. Very quickly, both the son and the patient got out of the crisis and his son did just fine.

Do not underestimate the power of energy and YOUR power to heal yourself and others. You have much to contribute to the world through your love. And via the Law of Attraction, what you emanate in love will come back to you many times over!

If you’re new to this blog, please sign up for our GOODIES in the tab at the top of the webpage! And also, please let me know what you think of this post by commenting below.

Blessings,
Dr. Karen Kan

The Dear Dr. Karen question this week:

Dear Dr. Karen:

Joseph

Dear Joseph:

Thanks for writing. Did you say years?

Let me get this straight. You’ve been in love with this woman for years, have told her that you love her and shared with her your desires for your future together and she doesn’t really want to show you she cares all these years?

Well, it is great that she has values, beliefs and desirable qualities you resonate with. That’s a good start. But after being friends for years, don’t you think you’ve waited a long time to have your affections reciprocated? And now you live thousands of miles away!

I’ve heard of a woman playing hard to get, but I’m not getting any sense from you that she is even trying to vie for your attentions. So my question to you is, what exactly are you looking for from this woman? And how can this be the woman you desire if she does not desire you? Years is long enough for her to figure it out don’t you think?

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Well, it’s not really a secret, but many people don’t realize this: that the world is changing faster and faster. And what that means for you is that years is definitely TOO long not to move forward with your life! That’s not to say that learning dating skills won’t be helpful. And learning to understand women is even more helpful.

Here’s what I know. There is a woman (or more than one) out “there” who can’t wait to be with you. Someone who adores you just as you adore her. You don’t have to change yourself just so she will love you. She will love you as you are. Believe it. Feel it – and it will be yours.

You deserve it.

Just because you love this woman you’ve set your sights on doesn’t mean you can’t love another! Instead, use the love you feel to create and attract an even better match. Let go emotionally of being with THIS particular woman. In fact, I’d encourage you to ask her point blank whether she is romantically interested in you or not, and to let her know that it is OK if she isn’t because you’ll learn to move on. You just need to know the truth. Women have a way of not telling the truth because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.

If you can show her that you are “man” (i.e. strong) enough to take the truth, you’ll get it. She needs to know you won’t crumble. And it’s about time that you free yourself of anything and anyone who would slow your growth into the love you desire.

Change is happening much faster in our world now. You cannot “afford” to keep waiting for your life to happen. You deserve to experience life and love like never before.

For your growth and education, I’d highly recommend that you read books by David Deida: www.deida.info especially, The Way of the Superior Man, which you can find in my Law of Attraction in Love Bookstore. When you start to resonate at your most enlightened masculine self, you’d be AMAZED at the women (and the quality of women) you attract! Best to you Joseph!

Blessings,
Dr. Karen Kan

Dear Dr. Karen

Alexander

Dear Alexander,

I’m not quite sure why you’re asking me whether you can find another young woman to have a relationship with since you’ve been fairly successful at attracting them in your past. It sounds like you’re doubting that you can because of your disabilities – is that it?

It is good to hear that your former girlfriends have all become friends. It sounds like there is genuine love and respect there. Congrats!

One thing that caught my attention is your belief about giving your love in exchange for trust and intimacy. You may wish to listen to the Blog Talk Radio interview I did with Neale Donald Walsch on the subject of romantic relationships. It isn’t about an “exchange” of anything if I can paraphrase. Instead it is about giving the biggest YOU you can give in a relationship.

Old paradigm relationships are about exchanges. I’ll do this for you if you do that for me. I’ll be sexually faithful to you if you’re sexually faithful to me. I won’t smoke/drink/gamble if you promise to love me, etc. The new paradigm of relationships isn’t about these “trades” or exchanges at all. It is about being fully who you are – being fully in your divine, an offering your love unconditionally.

So it matters not how old you are or how well you can walk, but about how much of your presence and love you can give to another.

Blessings to you,
Dr. Karen Kan

Dr. Karen,

Lawen

Dear Lawen,

I can answer you simply. No, it is not love.

Why not?

Because true love is free and unconditional. What you have instead is an addiction. Yes, an addiction. You are addicted to the chemical hormones coursing through the cells of your body and you are “high” from your feelings of longing as well as your feelings of anger. It makes you feel alive.

Your intuition has already told you that “your frequencies never match”, yet you pursue him. And I can make a couple of guesses why you do. One possibility is that when you were young, there was someone in your life that you could not “have”. You couldn’t get enough attention from that person, a parent perhaps. Maybe that parent was unfaithful or untrustworthy.

I’ve seen countless examples of how adults who were abused as children still long for their parent to love them despite the obvious evidence that they do not have the capacity to do so. You could be repeating an unconscious pattern from your childhood that “makes you” addicted to pursuing the love and attention you never received as a child.

So you have a decision to make. You can continue on your unrewarding pursuit of an addiction, with its highs and lows, and never feel the true joy of a truly loving relationship. Or, you can get some help to free yourself from your current addiction.

Don’t underestimate the power of your addiction. You will need help and support to neutralize it. It will take time and lot of self-compassion. It has nothing to do with “him” and everything to do with your own conditioning. He just represents a part of you that you need to heal. His unfaithfulness to you is a blessing. It hurts, yes, but it is an opportunity. It is an opportunity for you to truly LOVE yourself first.

If you truly LOVE yourself fully, then you would never desire to be with someone who treats you less than you wish to be treated. There’s the key. You actually don’t love yourself enough to let go and realize that there are plenty of other men out there who WILL love you and be faithful to you. But it starts with changing YOU.

Bottom line, go get some professional help. You don’t have to do this alone. I believe in you.

Blessings,
Dr Karen Kan

Here’s a great letter from Jan:

Dear Dr. Karen,

Jan

Dear Jan,

What you face is uncomfortable and unfortunately very common. Do you ever wonder why you’re in this situation?

Here’s the answer:

You attracted an alcoholic husband so that you could heal a deep part of yourself that needs healing from childhood. Your husband is a mirror. He represents a part of you that you have rejected and do not love fully.

We call that The Shadow. To learn more about the shadow, I highly recommend that you view this film (preferably with your husband when he is sober and if he is agreeable), The Shadow Effect.

Everyone that we attract into our lives represents different facets of ourselves (the Law of Attraction). Our relationships can either be life-affirming or not. Some of the people we attract are representations of our Shadow. Your husband is one of those people.

I’m assuming you have children when you refer to your “family”. Your number one responsibility as a parent to your child is to lovingly model what you would like their lives to be. No matter what you SAY or TELL them to do, they will, on some level, model after one parent or the other (or both).

So what are you modeling right now?

Are you happy? I can see that you are not. So as each day goes by, you are teaching your children how to be unhappy. This may sound harsh, but I want to level with you.

Unless you get some support (and I mean MAJOR support) in your life right now to make some changes, you are literally sentencing those you love, your children, to a very difficult future. They will not have a healthy model of how to be happy. They will not have a healthy model of how to have a healthy love relationship.

You are so afraid of breaking up your family that you suffer from your inaction to do anything about it. Guess what? You’re family is already breaking up. You just can’t see it because you are willing to live this lie in front of your children in the guise that it is good for them.

It is not.

They know. Maybe not on a conscious level, but the negativity is seeping into their pores and you are letting it happen.

Do you love them enough to change?

Do you love them enough to do whatever it takes to figure out how to be happy so that you can model authentic joy and love?

Do you love them enough to stop waiting for your husband to change and instead, get some real help so that you can live the life of joy you were meant to live.

If what I say causes tears, I understand. If you were standing here in front of me, I would give you a hug, then hold you by the shoulders and look deeply into your eyes and tell you,

“You can do it. You are not alone. I believe in you. You will find a way.”

So to answer your question more directly, here’s my advice:

1. Get support. Call a trusted friend and have her take you to an Al-Anon meeting every week. You won’t feel like you’re all alone anymore.

2. Read Melanie Beatty’s book, Co-Dependent No More starting tomorrow. And when you’re done, read the next book, Beyond Co-dependency. You can find these at the Law of Attraction in Love Bookstore.

3. Write down your intentions on exactly HOW you want your life to look…and make sure none of what you wish to manifest depends on your husband changing anything.

4. With the support of your Al-Anon or a counselor, take action to change your life. Your dream will not manifest without action.

From the patients I have had that have gone through what you’re going through and come out the other side, I can share with you that “breaking up your family” is one of the least harmful things you can do.

I can guarantee your husband WON’T change if you don’t. If you do decide to leave him, expect begging and pleading and promises to change. If you love him sober and wish to be with him that way, then consider waiting for at least six months of sobriety and AA meetings (for him) before you even entertain the notion of moving back in with him.

Sometimes, when an alcoholic knows that he is going to lose everything he value most, it is the motivation they need to change. Sometimes, it isn’t enough. But if that’s the case, then you know that you and the children don’t rank (and why would you want to stay in that kind of relationship anyway?)

I wish you the best. Go get some help today!

When you get a chance please connect with me on FaceBook and Twitter.

Blessings,
Dr. Karen Kan