Archive | Dear Dr. Karen (Q&A)

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An Indian priest predicted my love life

Posted on 30 May 2010 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

An Indian priest told me I would never have a long lasting relationship with a man.  I’m tired of having my heart broken. I’m just wondering; what is the purpose of trying when you know it won’t last?


Dear Mona,

Having your heart broken is indeed tiring if it is something that happens over and over again, and you do not feel you have grown or benefited from the experience. On the other hand, the “most joyful” people on this earth are willing to “try” over and over again and possibly get their hearts broken. Why? Because it is in the journey that they learn the most amazing things about themselves and others.

So the direct answer to your question of “What is the purpose of trying when you know it won’t last?” would be:

“because I learn something new and wonderful about myself and others each time I try…and I become closer to my true Self”

Mona, even though this is the “answer” to your question, we’ll have to go deeper because the actual question you are asking isn’t what you truly want to know, is it?

Here are some other questions for you to ask yourself:

1.  If the Indian priest, whom I trust, tells me that I will never have a long lasting relationship, is that really my fate? Can I not change that fate?

2.  Am I willing to relegate my responsibility to co-creating what I want to another person who tells me it is impossible?

3.  Would I be willing to risk having my “heartbroken” if I knew that it was just part of the journey towards manifesting my ideal relationship?

4.  If my capacity for joy and peace is proportional to my willingness to experience pain and suffering, would I be open to experience what I need to learn in order to get to the other side?

Here’s the thing, Mona. You clearly want something different from what the Indian priest told you, right? So you have a decision to make. Those who have been studying and training the Law of Attraction will tell you that your desire is a powerful magnet to co-creating your reality with the Universe.

Your choices: You decide that you believe whatever the Indian priest says and you cannot change your fate OR you decide that what he/she said was just one perspective but that you choose to believe you can create a different reality.

It is up to you. I, for one, would prefer to create my own destiny. Of course, what we co-create is not in a vacuum…the outcome has to be in the highest good of all in order for it to happen. So in your situation, unless you can come up with a really GREAT reason that the world would NOT benefit from you being in a happy relationship, (maybe there is one, but I can’t think of any) then there is a possibility that you can achieve what you want.

Does that make sense?

Besides, what the Indian priest was “reading” when you saw him/her was your energy field at that moment in time. The energy you emanated was one of lack and disappointment, so it makes sense that your “future” was headed for the same energetic imprint. He/she was correct in their “reading”.

However, your “future” can change moment to moment depending on the average energetic field you are emanating. So to change your “future” you need to shift your current energy field to a higher vibration from one of lack and disappointment to one of gratitude and abundance.

Thus, even though the priest may have been “correct” in his reading at the time, it can become completely wrong if you jump to a new energy stream. And to jump to a new energy stream, all you need to do is start growing.

If all of us do not grow, do you know what we do? We die. Growing or evolving is part of our human journey. Plants are either growing or dying. They don’t stay still. Get it?

So if you’re getting the “same old thing” happening to you in relationships, it either means you haven’t learned from your past relationships and shifted into a higher energy state, or that the perception you have chosen does not serve you in getting you what you want.

Here is a quick exercise you can do immediately to start shifting a perception that doesn’t serve you. Instead of dumping all of your previously heartbreaking relationships into the “that was a waste of time and the only good thing it did was to hurt me” bucket, I want you to make a list of all the GIFTS you were given as a result of those relationships….and I mean EACH AND EVERY ONE.

Are you stumped yet? Or are you excited to start growing?

Can you not appreciate ANY of the gifts? Because there are many. To the extent you can “see” those gifts, you will shift into higher energy state, thereby moving towards (as opposed to away from) manifesting what you want.

Here’s a summary:

  • You can choose to see your past as just “hurts” or as gifts from which you can grow and move closer to what you wish to manifest
  • The priest will be “right” about his prediction if you do not consciously decide that he is not, (you take back the responsibility for co-creating your life instead of giving it to others)
  • You have the power to co-create your reality even it is different from the one the priest told you about
  • You need to move into a higher energy state in order to achieve a reality you have not been able to create previously
  • Working on your personal growth is the way to move into a higher energy state


Mona, I challenge you to write down (you can use the comment section below the blog post) every gift you can appreciate from your past “heartbreaking” relationships, so you can move forward. This is just a start. Often we need help in shifting our energy. What you can do is get support from someone who has already accomplished what you wish to accomplish and learn from that person.

I believe in you.


Dr. Karen Kan

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Dear Dr. Karen: Why Did My Blissful Law of Attraction Relationship Turn Sour?

Posted on 02 April 2010 by Dr. Karen

Hi Dr. Karen,

About 3 years ago I began learning about the Law of Attraction. Single at the time, I immediately made a list of the qualities I desired in a partner and began imagining meeting him. It worked VERY quickly: in 10 days I’d met who I thought was The One. The first year or so was blissful, but I gradually realized that we had MAJOR differences and incompatibilities. Now, 2.5 years into the relationship, our couple is seriously in danger of breaking apart and it has become clear to me that this is not The One after all. My question is this: how did I attract the wrong guy by using what is supposed to be the right method?

Hoping to hear from you,

Dear Katrin,

Great question and I’m glad you asked. You did a wonderful thing by intentionally manifesting your partner into your life. You took the time to make a list of qualities you desired in a partner and did your visualizations. Then 10 days later you met him! I hear many stories like yours so we know these Law of Attraction tools work.

So now things are going downhill and you can hardly believe why, and are questioning whether you attracted the wrong person in the first place. Well, I can understand why you’d believe that. We’ve all been conditioned from our parents, television, movies and society to believe that relationships are supposed to be blissful forever and that once you find the “right” person, you’re set for life…or at least it wouldn’t be this challenging?

Right? Ring true…even just a bit?

Here’s the thing. You didn’t attract the wrong guy. You attracted the right guy for where you were when you intentioned him into existence with the Law of Attraction. In other words, you attracted the right person for the level of consciousness you were vibrating at when you made your list. Are you with me so far?

So what went wrong? Well, here’s my perspective. Where we often go wrong in our relationships is that our expectations are unnatural. What do I mean by unnatural? OK, think of your relationship as a plant. What does a plant need to flourish? Water, sun, tender loving care right?

Do you know what most people do in relationship? They “fall asleep”. In other words, they do not nourish the “plant”. They do not tend to the plant on a regular basis. What would happen to a real life plant if one day, while admiring how beautiful it looked, you decided to suddenly stop watering it? After a few weeks, it would wither away and die wouldn’t it? What if you over-watered it and didn’t pay attention to its needs? It would also die.

In nature, something is either growing or dying. Another word for this is transformation. Nothing stands still…not even a rock (that is a quantum physics discussion I’m not going to go into right now). So if a plant is not growing, what is it doing?

It’s dying.

So in relationship, we are rarely taught as children as to how to tend to it, how to properly nourish it. We just assume that since it was beautiful to start with, it should remain so indefinitely.

This is an unnatural expectation!

Some would argue that they do indeed nourish their relationships. Their idea of nourishment means making sure they do their “half” of the chores, paying the bills, taking care of the children, going out eat once in a while, having sex etc. That is NOT what I’m talking about. The grand majority of people I know, myself included, go into a deep slumber when it comes to being conscious of how the relationship is growing or worse yet, if it is growing at all!

Here is how you know whether your relationship is growing:

  • You discover new things about yourself, how you tick, because of your relationship
  • You appreciate and discover new things about your partner, gifts you never recognized before
  • Conflict is less scary and you seem to be able to resolve them faster and easier, even if you disagree
  • You pursue your personal dreams – your mission – and your partner supports you in that or at least is neutral about it
  • You allow your partner to be who they are without trying to change them
  • You and your partner become more conscious of who you really are as individuals and why you attracted each other
  • You heal old patterns by practicing new ones with your partner
  • You’re willing to make mistakes in the relationship and learn from them instead of playing it safe all the time

This is not an inclusive list by far, but what I want to emphasize the most is that instead of expecting the relationship to stay the same, we ought to be focusing on actively growing it.

We all want a heart-connected relationship, don’t we? But most of the time we get so wrapped up in our daily lives that we lose consciousness of nurturing the relationship.

So why do relationships seem more difficult as time goes on?

We attract the partners we do because they serve as our spiritual teachers and healing partners. Even abusive ones, believe it or not. Often they play the same role as our parents did so that we can heal our childhood hurts. We literally PULL from them the negative things we experienced as children. If someone had taught us long ago that our partners’ role is to be our teacher, we’d then appreciate them for giving us a new opportunity to HEAL our past hurts.

But most people have no idea why they’ve chosen the partner they did.

Our partners can highlight for us our deepest shadow…something so uncomfortable that you feel like running away. But if you realize that your partner is your teacher and you can become conscious of what he is bringing up for you, you can heal it. And that does not necessarily obligate you to continue the relationship in its current form (i.e. you can split up if you want to).

Since most of us never went to Relationship School 101, myself included, we just muddle along the best we can. But truthfully, we all need guidance, mentorship and skilled support in the area of relationships.

So do you want to know what James and I do?

Firstly, we’ve committed to a couples session with our spiritual coach/healer on a monthly basis. Most of the time there is nothing “wrong”, but we go because we want to stay “awake” and we want to grow the relationship. It is amazing how quickly each of us can fall asleep! Without that objective third person to “see” through our old patterns, it can be very difficult to realize when we are getting caught up in them.

I’m a huge proponent of preventive “therapy”. In other words, I feel that couples that truly wish to flourish for a long time need to be reconnecting in a deeper way either through couples coaching/counseling on a regular basis, or through spiritual retreats and workshops at least twice a year. As well, having a weekly or monthly couples ritual can be vitally energizing to the relationship.

Why is it that people only seek “help” when their relationship is on the rocks? I’m sure you already know the answer to that question.

Secondly, make sure you dedicate a weekly “Date Night” where the agenda is just fun and connection. Pick something you both like doing and don’t let anything get in the way of “Date night”. If you have to reschedule it on occasion that is fine, but see its importance just like any other important commitment you’ve made such as going to work, brushing your teeth, exercising, paying your mortgage, etc.

So Katrin, are you ready to give up on your relationship? You can use the Law of Attraction again and again to intend the type of relationship you wish. It doesn’t end with just attraction The One. And remember, growing requires some degree of getting out of your comfort zone, so get some coaching, guidance and professional support, even if it is only for yourself.

What you do not “heal” from your past in this relationship, will resurface in the next (thanks to the Law of Attraction). You cannot escape it. It is part of becoming the biggest, happiest SELF you can become. You might as well become conscious of what you are supposed be learning in this relationship before you abandon it completely.

I believe in you.
Dr. Karen Kan

PS Let me know what you think of this article by commenting below.

PPS As you may know, I’m an avid reader of all sorts of personal growth books. This month, I’m highly recommending these two books: Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie and The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz.

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Is it shallow intend a certain “race” for my dream partner?

Posted on 18 February 2010 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr Karen,

I would love some advice regarding manifestation. My question is: is it wrong, unrealistic or inflexible to specify a particular race as part of your dream partner’s ”laundry list” specifications if that happens to be what you are attracted to? I realize this must sound so shallow but I have been in two minds about this issue, especially seeing as my family and friends say I’m being ridiculous in being attracted to particular nationalities. So much so, that I feel guilty and needless to say my attempts at visualization have been going nowhere because I can’t shake off the feeling of being terribly shallow.

Am I being limiting in writing this down in the laundry list or should I continue to visualize/embody what I happen to be attracted to? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance!

Dear Anon,

Great question. Thanks for asking this as I’m sure it is on other people’s minds as well. Here’s the thing. The Universe has absolutely NO judgment good or bad on what you prefer or find attractive in a partner. The real issue is not whether you should or shouldn’t specify a particular race for your partner. The real issue is how you feel about doing so.

Apparently, you are feeling guilty and are judging yourself as being shallow. It is your self-judgment that is detrimental, not your desire or preferences. Sometimes we cannot know why we desire certain things. It may be a soul wish and you’ll never know for sure the reason. So my advice is that instead of causing yourself emotional pain by questioning your preferences, learn to lovingly accept them instead.

There is nothing wrong with finding a particular race more attractive. It doesn’t mean you are rejecting the other races per se, but instead, it is just a preference. If someone else thinks you are shallow, ignore the judgment. You are only shallow if you think you are. Reframe your judgment into a preference and drop the emotional content surrounding your preference.

It’s no big deal.

And you don’t have to justify your preferences to anyone either. It is none of their business. Your wish list doesn’t have to be publically scrutinized. The only person that has to like it is you. If you’re truly concerned, you can get a coaching session on your “laundry list” if you really want constructive feedback. I’ve helped my clients clarify their choices that sometimes were based on old habits rather than conscious choices.

Just know…there is an abundance of wonderful amazing people to choose from. Don’t worry about limiting yourself because of just this one preference. Stop being hard on yourself. Let it go.

Please comment and let me know what you think of this blog post.

Dr. Karen Kan

P.S. Remember that February is LOVE month and it is a great opportunity to not only contribute to Haiti Relief (50% of profits go to Haiti), but to make the commitment to yourself to using the Law of Attraction to manifest your greatest relationship. Get free access to the Law of Attraction in Love Teleseminar Series 2009 with any purchase.

Purchase both the Creating Your Fairytale Love Life eBook and Law of Attraction Home Study Course and get a FREE 30 minute private coaching session with me worth $175.

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Attracting More Money

Posted on 05 February 2010 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

Money is energy, and I emanate my own energy from within and attract to me what is compatible to my energy frequency, how can I attract money to me so that I don’t end up working myself to the bone only to end up barely above water when I’m an old man?



Dear Kelvin,

You are correct in saying that money is energy and that in order to attract money, you must radiate the “ideal” money-coherent frequency. So the good news is that you already UNDERSTAND the concept of what must happen in order to attract money into your life.

The seven steps of manifesting that I teach in my eBook and my Law of Attraction Home Study Course are the same whether you are manifesting love in your life or more money. What I’ve found is that step number 5, which deals with Obstacles, can be the most stubborn when it comes to money.

Many of us grew up with negative money beliefs, some of which we are not even aware of. The subconscious negative beliefs about money and wealth are the MAIN reasons that hamper people from consciously using the Law of Attraction to attract more money. In other words, it isn’t about how much schooling you received, whether you are smart enough or even if you work hard enough. It boils down to your beliefs!

There is a saying amongst Law of Attraction teachers that goes something like this: Your income will be the average of the income of the five closest people you hang out with. Now I’m not saying to go out today and ditch your “poor” friends, but seriously, unless you make an effort to learn to get to know and emulate powerful, enlightened wealthy people, your chances of money success is next to nil!

I’ll share with you what I’ve found most helpful for myself. First is a free teleseminar about your money beliefs and how they affect your success:

Next is a list of books I recommend that you start devouring immediately!

  • Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, T. Harv Eker
  • Millionaire Maker, Loral Langemeier
  • Cash Machine for Life, Loral Langemeier
  • The Four Hour Work Week, Tim Ferris
  • Rich Dad, Poor Dad, Robert Kiyosaki
  • Put More Cash in Your Pocket, Loral Langemeier
  • Who Do You Think You Are? Keith Leon

Here’s some general pointers:

  • You need to learn to take interest in managing money, even if you have to fake it initially. The Universe will not give you MORE until you have demonstrated that you can handle more.
  • Clarity breeds better intentions. If you don’t know what your “profit-loss” numbers are on a monthly basis, start doing this today. It isn’t hard (check out Millionaire Maker for instructions)
  • Money does not come into chaos.
  • If you don’t good reasons for the amount of money you want to attract, you won’t get it. So become clear on what you wish to DO with the money and how much it will actually cost.
  • The people who get paid the most usually help the most people.
  • Change your money language.

Notice what you said above: so that I don’t end up working myself to the bone only to end up barely above water when I’m an old man?


That sentence is chock full of old beliefs and attitudes that no longer serve your higher purpose. Can you see that now? What I’m hearing is the belief that one must work HARD (to the bone even!) for a LONG time to earn lots of money. The “barely above water” is a really strong SCARCITY phrase and I encourage you to get rid of this type of language from your vocabulary starting right now.

There are big No-No phrases if you’re using the Law of Attraction to attract more money:


  • We can’t afford it (if you say it, it will be true for you)
  • That’s too expensive (scarcity energy)
  • Must be nice! (to be able to afford such-and-such…envy energy)
  • Money doesn’t grow trees (of course it does…it is made of paper isn’t it?)
  • I just want enough to be comfortable (comfort is highly overrated and not a single wealthy person got there by being comfortable!)
  • Materialism is bad (no it isn’t, it just depends on your intentions)
  • Money is the root of all evil (money is just energy remember?)

Here are positive things to do:

  • When you see someone who seems wealthy, appreciate them instead of being envious – and tell yourself, if they can do it, so can I
  • Appreciate beautiful material things, even if you don’t plan on buying them. Anti-materialism will keep you poor for sure!
  • Grow out of your comfort zone and get some professional coaching to help you find out what your passions are and how you can make money from them.

Learning how to become wealthy requires intensive but FUN study. You’ll learn to use your GIFTS in a way that serves as many people as possible. It is part of your Life Mission!

I believe in you.

Dr. Karen Kan


February is LOVE month, so I’d like to share a valuable offer. As most of you know, Haiti and those that lost loved-ones have been on our minds and in our prayers since the earthquake in January. For the month of February, I’m donating 50% of the profits from my eBook and Law of Attraction Home Study Course sales to Haiti.

Please help me in giving to them (as well as giving to yourself)! Here are the links:

Creating Your Fairytale Love Life eBook

Law of Attraction in Love Home Study Course

Thank you in advance!


Dr. Karen

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Dear Dr. Karen: How Do I Win Her Love?

Posted on 02 December 2009 by Dr. Karen

The Dear Dr. Karen question this week:

Dear Dr. Karen:

I am Joseph from Aberdeen UK. I have a friend for over 5 years now in Nigeria. And I left the country last year 2008. She has values, beliefs and desirable qualities I require in a woman. She doesn’t really want to show me she cares all these years. I have let her know that I love her and also spoken to her about the future. Please I need a dating advice from you. I really want to win her love. Many thanks.



Dear Joseph:

Thanks for writing. Did you say years?

Let me get this straight. You’ve been in love with this woman for years, have told her that you love her and shared with her your desires for your future together and she doesn’t really want to show you she cares all these years?

Well, it is great that she has values, beliefs and desirable qualities you resonate with. That’s a good start. But after being friends for years, don’t you think you’ve waited a long time to have your affections reciprocated? And now you live thousands of miles away!

I’ve heard of a woman playing hard to get, but I’m not getting any sense from you that she is even trying to vie for your attentions. So my question to you is, what exactly are you looking for from this woman? And how can this be the woman you desire if she does not desire you? Years is long enough for her to figure it out don’t you think?

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Well, it’s not really a secret, but many people don’t realize this: that the world is changing faster and faster. And what that means for you is that years is definitely TOO long not to move forward with your life! That’s not to say that learning dating skills won’t be helpful. And learning to understand women is even more helpful.

Here’s what I know. There is a woman (or more than one) out “there” who can’t wait to be with you. Someone who adores you just as you adore her. You don’t have to change yourself just so she will love you. She will love you as you are. Believe it. Feel it – and it will be yours.

You deserve it.

Just because you love this woman you’ve set your sights on doesn’t mean you can’t love another! Instead, use the love you feel to create and attract an even better match. Let go emotionally of being with THIS particular woman. In fact, I’d encourage you to ask her point blank whether she is romantically interested in you or not, and to let her know that it is OK if she isn’t because you’ll learn to move on. You just need to know the truth. Women have a way of not telling the truth because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.

If you can show her that you are “man” (i.e. strong) enough to take the truth, you’ll get it. She needs to know you won’t crumble. And it’s about time that you free yourself of anything and anyone who would slow your growth into the love you desire.

Change is happening much faster in our world now. You cannot “afford” to keep waiting for your life to happen. You deserve to experience life and love like never before.

For your growth and education, I’d highly recommend that you read books by David Deida: especially, The Way of the Superior Man, which you can find in my Law of Attraction in Love Bookstore. When you start to resonate at your most enlightened masculine self, you’d be AMAZED at the women (and the quality of women) you attract! Best to you Joseph!

Dr. Karen Kan

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Flirting Without Being Too Obvious

Posted on 11 November 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

Does he like me? Is he just being friendly? And has the window closed?

Okay, new guy at work. Very attractive. So all my female co-workers are all over him. However, although he’s attractive, I am not as forward as them. He turned down their advances. He started talking to me, right away. Sometimes we talk for a hours at work. He comes by cubicle all the time. Sometimes I think he’s interested because he will say things like, what type of guys you like, what are you doing this weekend…etc.

He smiles or says Hi every time we pass each other, and there are times that if I am in another vicinity of the office, he will be there 5 minutes later! It’s weird. I caught him staring at me on numerous occasions. He also used to ask me for the lunch menu at our local diner, than I found out he never even visited that place! Also, other co-workers that did not talk to me, talk to me now, I believe because of him and our ”friendship”.

He hasn’t asked me for my number. Also, I don’t pick up on cues, (because I’ve been told that he has dropped subtle hints) so, I’m thinking he may think I’m not interested anymore, and sometimes, I think maybe he’s just being friendly. How do I step it up without being overt. Ooh…he is the new guy, and due to everyone fawning on him, he has been staying low-key…which makes me nervous talking to him.

What should I make of this?


Dear Sijay,

The first thought that came to my mind when I read your letter was, “What a delightfully fun position to be in!”

Sijay, if you’re getting feedback from others (whom you trust) that the New Guy is dropping hints, then he is either interested in you or he is playing a game where he wants you to be interested in him because he is used to all the attention and can’t seem to get yours!

So Sijay, it feels as if you could use lessons in creative flirting. Flirting has been given a “bad name” over the years, but actually, what it entails is energetic play. It is like a dance. There is inappropriate flirting – “coming onto” someone sexually just to manipulate them and get attention. However, there is safe and fun flirting that is connecting and enjoyable without being manipulative.

Since your style is not to be too forward (which probably got his attention in the first place), my suggestion to you is the engage in “flirting” by asking questions and stating your observations. Start with neutral questions and observations.

Here are a few suggestions you can play around with in your mind to see if they resonate with you:

While you’re in conversation with the New Guy, you might suddenly say:

YOU: You know what, New Guy? I’ve made an interesting observation.

HIM: Really? What?

YOU: I’ve noticed that ever since you came to work in this office, all the women here have been clamoring over you. What’s that been like for you? So what’s it like getting all this attention?

HIM: (blushing) ah, er, really? Or he might say,

HIM: Nah, I’m not interested in them.

YOU: Yes, really. Haven’t you noticed? Or

YOU: So you’re not interested in them? Really? So is there someone special in your life you’re not telling us about? Or

YOU: Gee, I was wondering about what kind of person you would be interested in?

YOU: Hmmm, you’re not playing “hard to get” are you?

Next time he asks you questions like

HIM: What are you doing this weekend?

You might wish to get up the courage to answer,

YOU: Why, are you going to ask me out?

or maybe you could be more creative and say,

YOU: Well, I’d absolutely LOVE to see the new movie, X, this weekend, but I don’t really feel like going alone….so
what are you up to?

Then you can see if he takes the hint. If he’s been hinting to you and is truly interested, then he may bite. If he’s playing around or you’re being too subtle for him, he may not.

You can also subtly call him on his antics:

YOU: Gee, you know, you asked me for the menu from the local diner, but you haven’t been there have you? I was wondering why you wanted it?

You’ll be pretty safe asking questions. You can also give genuine compliments. For example, when I first met my dream partner, James, I noticed his beautiful smile. So I complimented him on it. I wasn’t trying to flirt. I was just appreciating his beauty. Well! That really got his attention because apparently, he had no idea that he was good looking! Amazing isn’t it?

So find something genuinely interesting or attractive about the New Guy (assuming you ARE interested in him) and share your appreciations. It can go something like:

YOU: You know what I appreciate about you New Guy? You have the warmest smile/greatest laugh/very attractive eyes.


YOU: You know what I appreciate about you New Guy? Whenever I see you, it makes my day because you really know how to make me feel comfortable/make me laugh/ make me smile etc.

OK, enough flirting lessons for the day. The bottom line is this: you’re going to have to stretch a little out of your comfort zone to test the waters. It doesn’t mean that this guy is THE ONE you’ll spend the rest of your life with, but every relationship helps you learn more about yourself. Let this relationship be a springboard for your personal growth.

Happy Flirting, (and tell us what happens!)
Dr. Karen Kan

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The man I’m attracted to is wonderful by phone, but a Dud in person!

Posted on 27 October 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

(long letter is paraphrased below)

I wanted to manifest a man who had strong ties to Italy. I successfully connected with an attractive man via an internet forum. I’ve never “dated” this way before, so this was new. He connected with me daily via SMS, phone, email, msn and often left romantic messages. He even made the effort to try to help me with visa issues for a job interview in his home country of Italy.

Finally, when I showed up in Italy, he seemed to suddenly change! He seemed cold and distant. When we met, he hardly looked at me. He was so shy. In fact, he barely took time out of his schedule to spend time with me! I was shocked after all the time we spent communicating by phone etc. What was even more shocking was that when I went home, he started messaging me again! I got so angry and upset!

I’m not an ugly woman. I have many wonderful traits, but this guy..made me feel like crap and I cannot get over this. I felt too bad and I do not know why he did what he did! Now what I want to know is if I could change this situation with the law of attraction?

Please help so desperate..

Too confused to understand Men!

Dear “Too Confused”,

I can see how frustrated you are with this situation. It is as if this man is two different people. One the phone and through email and messages he is attractive in every way and attentive and loving. But in person, he is scared, distant and totally unavailable!

Well, this is a painful lesson for you. People can often use the “safety” of distance (not face-to-face) contact to express their fantasies, but eventually, a relationship needs to be able to grow past all that. This man you attracted is far from ready to be attentive to you in “real” life. He lives in a fantasy world online and you just happen to fall into a trap. It isn’t that he meant for it to be a trap, it is just that his world is not REAL.

You deserve a REAL relationship with someone who is willing to be who he REALLY is face-to-face with you. This Italian man is clearly very shy and has not had much practice in being in real relationships. He is intimidated, but that is not your fault. You do not have to make yourself smaller just so he can feel more confident. He is like a child at this point…not meaning any harm, but not able either to be an ADULT in the relationship.

You have lots of red flags here that are telling you to abandon the relationship as soon as possible. The fact that you still linger means that on the subconscious level, your self-esteem is low and that you do not feel you deserve better..otherwise you would have dropped him like a hot potato and moved on.

But it’s OK if you haven’t yet. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Understand that by hoping he would change, you are asking someone to be who they are not…which is not very loving or attractive. This is how you use the Law of Attraction. Let go of what clearly isn’t serving you (otherwise you give the message to the Universe that you deserve to be treated in a way that is less than loving). Then start again with your wish list and ADD the criteria to the list you missed in your first “try”.

So you may wish to add, “a man that is able and willing to connect with me on a mature level” or something even more specific.

By letting go of this relationship, you will harness the law of attraction by giving the message that this is NOT good enough for you. Move on. That means ending the relationship. Don’t even stay friends since you’re still feeling hurt. It is energy that is draining you from your true desires. Just let him know that after your meeting, you’ve realized that you’re both not on the same page and that you need to move on and make a clean break. Wish him well, then say goodbye. It isn’t easy, and he’ll rebel, but it is the best for both of you. Be strong.

You need to learn you deserve more and he needs to learn (for his own benefit) that a fantasy love life doesn’t serve either of you in the end.

If you need help with that, seek the help of a coach like myself or a counselor. I believe in you.

Dr. Karen
P.S. If you haven’t done so already, please connect with me on Twitter and FaceBook!

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Dear Dr. Karen: I’m 65 and I’m Only Attracted to Young Women

Posted on 20 October 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen

I cannot help it, but I am a hebephile. That means I am only attracted to young women from 18 to 24. All my life my relations (6 with the last one counted) began to be intimate when my partner was 19. The last relationship just ended. All my former partners have become friends. Now I am 65 soon and my last girlfriend of 24 is ready to start another relationship without me.

At my age, with legs that can hardly carry me, from accidents 8 years ago, is it still possible to find a new young woman I can give my love to in exchange for her trust and intimacy?

By the way did you know that the father and mother of reggae star Bob Marley had 41 between them, he was 58 and white and she black and 17 years, just like me and my last girlfriend. This to illustrate that age and race are not an issue with me.


Dear Alexander,

I’m not quite sure why you’re asking me whether you can find another young woman to have a relationship with since you’ve been fairly successful at attracting them in your past. It sounds like you’re doubting that you can because of your disabilities – is that it?

It is good to hear that your former girlfriends have all become friends. It sounds like there is genuine love and respect there. Congrats!

One thing that caught my attention is your belief about giving your love in exchange for trust and intimacy. You may wish to listen to the Blog Talk Radio interview I did with Neale Donald Walsch on the subject of romantic relationships. It isn’t about an “exchange” of anything if I can paraphrase. Instead it is about giving the biggest YOU you can give in a relationship.

Old paradigm relationships are about exchanges. I’ll do this for you if you do that for me. I’ll be sexually faithful to you if you’re sexually faithful to me. I won’t smoke/drink/gamble if you promise to love me, etc. The new paradigm of relationships isn’t about these “trades” or exchanges at all. It is about being fully who you are – being fully in your divine, an offering your love unconditionally.

So it matters not how old you are or how well you can walk, but about how much of your presence and love you can give to another.

Blessings to you,
Dr. Karen Kan

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Dear Dr. Karen: Am I Madly in Love or Not?

Posted on 16 October 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dr. Karen,

I do not know what this is all about. But I am madly in love or not?? I really do not know what to call it as.

I am so much attracted to this man. We have been together for three years now. We broke up a while back because I blew up the issue as he was dating other women. For him I am just one of many, but for me he is everything.

The word Man means only him to me. Anyone walking tall on the road reminds me of him, if I see any pair on the road I think only of him. Any romantic scene on TV reminds me of him. I know very well that our frequencies never match and we are not the made for each other…but above all this there is something which makes me crave for him all the more. I am angry over him – as he did not treat me with self respect, used me when he did not have the confidence to lure other women. But now I am of no significance to him. It hurts. That is the reason I broke up with him. Maybe I would have handled this better if only he would have told it straight that he used me. I cannot take it in that he played with me.

But above all this anger, I am unable to hate him. I feel something for him which I cannot describe in words and which cannot be erased. Can you help me out!!! This is neither letting me live nor die..


Dear Lawen,

I can answer you simply. No, it is not love.

Why not?

Because true love is free and unconditional. What you have instead is an addiction. Yes, an addiction. You are addicted to the chemical hormones coursing through the cells of your body and you are “high” from your feelings of longing as well as your feelings of anger. It makes you feel alive.

Your intuition has already told you that “your frequencies never match”, yet you pursue him. And I can make a couple of guesses why you do. One possibility is that when you were young, there was someone in your life that you could not “have”. You couldn’t get enough attention from that person, a parent perhaps. Maybe that parent was unfaithful or untrustworthy.

I’ve seen countless examples of how adults who were abused as children still long for their parent to love them despite the obvious evidence that they do not have the capacity to do so. You could be repeating an unconscious pattern from your childhood that “makes you” addicted to pursuing the love and attention you never received as a child.

So you have a decision to make. You can continue on your unrewarding pursuit of an addiction, with its highs and lows, and never feel the true joy of a truly loving relationship. Or, you can get some help to free yourself from your current addiction.

Don’t underestimate the power of your addiction. You will need help and support to neutralize it. It will take time and lot of self-compassion. It has nothing to do with “him” and everything to do with your own conditioning. He just represents a part of you that you need to heal. His unfaithfulness to you is a blessing. It hurts, yes, but it is an opportunity. It is an opportunity for you to truly LOVE yourself first.

If you truly LOVE yourself fully, then you would never desire to be with someone who treats you less than you wish to be treated. There’s the key. You actually don’t love yourself enough to let go and realize that there are plenty of other men out there who WILL love you and be faithful to you. But it starts with changing YOU.

Bottom line, go get some professional help. You don’t have to do this alone. I believe in you.

Dr Karen Kan

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Dear Dr. Karen: Do You Only Have to Ask Once for the Law of Attraction to Work?

Posted on 13 October 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dr. Karen,

My question now is: I have read many, many, articles on the laws of attraction and others have stated that ”you need only ask once” and it will come to pass. However, reading your article, you have said that thinking about it most often (in other words of course) it will come to pass. Which do you believe to be the correct way of thinking?

Thank you for your time.


Dear Anna,

Great question Anna. Let me rephrase it. It sounds like you’ve read that you only need to ask The Universe once in order to manifest your wish. At the same time, after reading my article, you perceived that you must think about your wish over and over again in order to manifest it. Is that right?

OK, here’s how it works, at least in my understanding. What is true is that you only need to ASK the Universe one time for your wish. Then, after asking, or in other words, setting your intention, you need to let it go.

And here’s where you need to pay attention!

What you need to let go of is the ATTACHMENT to your wish coming true. What you DON’T let go of is the passion, excitement and energy directed towards your dream/wish/intention.

When you order from the menu in a restaurant, you order once and then wait patiently for your meal to come, don’t you? You enjoy your wait. You don’t fret ever two minutes why your meal hasn’t come yet nor do you ask the waiter countless times whether he got your order. But you know what most of us do? We fret about our “order”!

When we set intentions, sometimes we lose faith that our “order” will come, so we either ask again and again out of anxiety, or we change course (change our minds). The latter is very common. I’ve witness many people discover a dream they wish to manifest. They become all fired up about it. But within a short period of time, they lose their faith and stop pursuing their dreams. Why? Because they don’t trust themselves to be completely responsible for CREATING their dreams.

Now, what I (and many others) teach is that once you set your intention, your focus needs to stay on your target (final outcome) or wish. You are not asking. You are planning for it. You don’t let distractions or obstacles prevent you from believing in your dream and taking the next step towards it.

I’ll give you an example. Say your wish is to swim with the dolphins. Once you’ve chosen the details of your wish, what do you do next? (please read the rest on my blog) Do you sit on the couch and watch movies all day? Will that get you closer to your dream? No, of course not. Will looking at pictures and movies about swimming with dolphins help? Yes, because they will get you in the vibration of already having experienced it (to the best of your imagination). But you need more than that.

Doing embodying exercises (see Chapter 2 in the eBook) will help you get into the vibration of having received. That is an “inner world” exercise. Then doing the “outer world” exercises of taking action in the real world take it to the next level. You cannot just have one without the other.

Your next step is “acting as if”. Your ACTIONS determine what happens. The Universe responds to the amount of energy you put forth in the direction of your wish. In our example, you would go and search the internet for dolphin experiences or search a travel guide. You would check out plane ticket costs, book time off from work, save money towards the trip etc. As the saying goes,

“Where attention goes, energy flows and results show”

Hope that clears up your confusion about the Law of Attraction and intention setting.

Dr. Karen Kan

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