Dear Dr. Karen,

I have been married to my husband for 20 years and we have children. Even before we were married, he cheated on me. And he has time and time again! He lies and gets very defensive when I confront him, but eventually the truth comes out. I’ve left him seven times but I always go back. I’ve asked him to leave several times as well, but he always comes begging me to take him back.

And I always take him back because I love him so much. I still love him. I am tired of being hurt by him, but I remain suspicious that he’s seeing someone else behind my back. This way of life has tampered with my self-esteem and in search of solutions I have tried everything.

I now have come across the Law of Attraction but my doubts are still there: does he really love me and want to be with me? and can a situation like this change using the Law of Attraction? Please help!

Nina

Dear Nina,

Thanks for your honest letter. I hope my answer will be helpful to you. But first, I have a question for you?

What are you expecting the Law of Attraction to do for you?

Are you expecting it to magically change your husband so that he isn’t the “cheating type” any longer? Because if that is the case, then I can tell you very easily that the Law of Attraction doesn’t work this way. We can’t use the Law of Attraction to change other people against their free will.

However, what you CAN use the Law of Attraction for is to create happiness for yourself. Whether your husband is part of that ultimate happiness is up to you and the Universe to co-create together. Your Law of Attraction “wish” statement could be something like:

I am thoroughly enjoying a fulfilling romantic relationship with my soulmate.

Sometimes we fool ourselves in thinking we truly love someone when we only truly love certain parts, or aspects, of them. What I mean by this is that you seem to enjoy enough aspects of your spouse to keep him around. But there are aspects of him that you don’t like so you aren’t truly happy. Isn’t that right?

So here’s the truth of the matter:

• the highest form of love means being able to accept who our lovers are without judgment or expectation, but that doesn’t mean that you always like or enjoy what they are doing. There is a difference.
• you can’t change another person. You don’t have that kind of control. You can only change yourself and your reactions to situations. When you can change yourself and be fully responsible for your own happiness, then you’ll see the relationship shift remarkably.

So you have a couple of very simple choices here Nina. It is high time you took 100% responsibility for your experiences. He is not responsible for your unhappiness, you are. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you’ve been on this yo-yo ride for over 20 years now. When will you decide to change your experience? When will you realize that what you’ve been doing all these years doesn’t work?

Here are some choices:

You can choose to accept that your husband “cheats”,  and in that acceptance, you can enjoy him as much as possible when he’s around, and give up trying to change or criticize him for not being who you think he should be (the equivalent of telling a bear that it should acting like an antelope)

Do something drastically different for a change maybe. For example,  study books on open marriages or polyamory and see if any of those resonate with either of you. If “cheating” was genetic, like diabetes, would you be as judgmental of it? Probably not. I’m not saying it is, but what if it was?

Just trying to open minds here…

How about this new thought pattern: Can you entertain the possibility that your husband loving other people in no way diminishes his love for you? Does a candle flame diminish when it lights another candle? Love is light. Think about that.

I’m bringing this up because we’ve been unconsciously indoctrinated in the concept that the ONLY way a relationship can be successful is through monogamy. Anytime there is an absolute rule, we all should be questioning it’s validity, because somewhere, sometime, long ago, someone made that rule in order to control others.

Remember, it wasn’t long ago when women and children were considered a man’s property. And in some parts of the world, they still are (sigh!).

So Nina, in summary, you can either change your perspective (by letting go of victim-hood, judgment or expectations) or change your situation by leaving, but you can’t change him. Got it? Hope so.

So if you’re not willing to leave because having him around is BETTER than not having him around, then just admit to yourself that you’ve CHOSEN this relationship in its current form and stop being the victim. You’re not the victim here. You’re choosing this. When you can be compassionate with yourself about choosing this relationship, then you can let go of all the judgment of how imperfect it is and just ENJOY your husband.

If these steps seem too difficult for you, as I imagine they might be, I suggest that you book yourself into seeing a relationship coach or counselor and get some support. We all need support for our spiritual and personal growth, so I encourage you to be courageous and find an expert that you resonate with.

In the meantime, I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Neale Donald Walsch’s book on Relationships and read it over and over again:

You can also listen to the interview I did with him HERE.

I believe in you Nina. Thanks for helping others with your question.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan
P.S. Anyone reading this post, feel free to comment.

First of all, if you submitted a question for Tuesday night’s Soulmate Summit Telecoaching call with me, thank you! We got through as many as we could. Special thanks to Sarah who was part of the live coaching – we had a lot of fun together first fielding her Soulmate manifesting questions and then getting her feedback on my answers to the others.

The topics we covered were:

• How do we “detach” from our desired outcome?
• What do we do when we feel anxious about “when” our soulmate is coming?
• How to handle feelings from past loves so that they don’t interfere with our manifesting.
• Different energy psychology techniques to neutralize negative emotions
• How to “red flag” some obstacles that you may have that prevent your manifestations from materializing.
• How should we handle loving someone who doesn’t love us back?

If you’d like to listen to the call, here is the page where it’s posted:
http://lawofattractioninlove.com/soulmatesummit/

If you enjoyed this call and feel you’d like to participate if we have some more like this, please let me know by filling out the comments on the bottom of this blog.

Blessings,
Dr. Karen Kan

Whether you celebrate the “holidays” this time of year or not, I’d like to offer you wishes of a great blessed New Year. In case you didn’t know, I was recently interviewed by The Power Connection radio regarding the Law of Attraction. I thought you might like to download or listen to the free archived show HERE.

We discussed the following issues, using real-life examples so you can apply it to your life easier and quicker:
*Working against the grain
*Uncovering beliefs and emotions that pose as obstacles
*Knowing About the Law of Attraction & actually applying it are two different things
*Improving your Law of Attraction ability
*Creating congruency with Expectations and Actual Outcome

Also, before January 31st, if you haven’t yet purchased my Creating Your Fairytale Love Life eBook, you’ll want to do so by then because we’re adding in an extra eBook from my friend and hypnotherapist called How to Use Hypnosis to Lose Weight, Look Good and Feel Great (in case that is personal interest to you) in addition to the other two extra books…

If you’re interested to find out more, here is the special holiday promotion link: www.lawofattractioninlove.com/holiday.

If you’ve purchased the eBook during the month of December and would like to be emailed a copy of the extra book, just send a request to support @ lawofattractioninlove.com with your name, invoice or purchase number and date of your purchase.

Blessings to you!
Dr. Karen
PS Feel free to comment and let me know what you thought of the radio show interview!

Hi Dr. Karen

Ive done a lot of research into the Law of Attraction. I’m seriously pursuing a soul mate. I did the laundry list & came up with my list of wants. There was 26 .. The next phase would be manifestation & detachment.

What do I do during this detachment phase??.. Do I keep visualizing my wants or how do I go about it??.. Please help because that’s the part I don’t understand.

Thank you,

Christina

Dear Christina,

Congrats for making your clear list of “who” you would like to attract into your love life! You’re right about detachment – it is an important step. I think the book I just finished reading, Manifesting Change by Mike Dooley says it best. Like in my Creating Your Fairytale Love Life eBook, you first create your wish list and use that to generate the “feeling” of already having manifested your dreams.

Then you detach emotionally from needing your dream to come true the way you think it should, but instead become open to something even better coming along. The Universe, when given plenty of wiggle room, will always find the best, most perfect and entertaining ways of getting you what you really want.

So in the detachment phase, your job is to, as Mike says, move in the general direction of your dreams. To give you a concrete example. If my dream is to become the best adult pairs figure skater in the world, moving in the general direction of my dreams means putting the time into to training and getting good coaching.

So to manifest your ideal partner, what are you doing to move in the general direction of your dreams? Here’s the trick, you don’t have to be moving in the “right” direction…you just have to be moving. Mike uses a great analogy in his book. When you use a GPS device in your car, you first need to input the destination right?

What happens if you don’t move? Yup, nothing.

What if you move in the opposite direction by mistake? The GPS will steer you towards the final destination and eventually you’ll make it there despite the number of detours you may take.

So you need to decide what you can do to move towards your dream. Is it cleaning out your closets so that your dream partner’s “stuff” can fit in them? Is it getting more “social” and taking a class you’ve always been interested in? Is it getting more fit so you feel good and strong in your body (and thus your vibration will be strong)?

Get a copy of Mike’s newest book if you’ve already read mine. It is a perfect compliment.

I believe in you. Let me know if this has been helpful by commenting below.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

Marianna

Dear Marianna,

Great question.

Many of us had the misunderstanding that if you allow yourself to think “negative” or non-supportive thoughts, that it would automatically prevent your intentions from manifesting. Because of this misunderstanding, thousands of people got “upset” whenever they noticed a negative thought or an unhappy feeling.

I’m here to clear the air about this misunderstanding. Most of us, even monks and spiritual masters, cannot control what thoughts pop up in our minds most of the time. Thoughts have a way of mysteriously popping up. In other words, your subconscious is not within your conscious control!

The difference between spiritual masters and us “regular” folks is that they’ve spent years training their minds not to give negative thoughts or feelings any ENERGY. It isn’t so bad to have impatient or negative thoughts. It is what you do with them that counts. When they come, do you REACT to them? Or can you just observe them and let them float away, like a leaf floating on a stream?

Our reaction to our thoughts is the ENERGY I’m talking about. The Law of Attraction works on what energy you are putting out. It is completely normal during the course of learning how to manifest something new that everyone entertains doubts. But when those doubts come, do you let it stop you from trusting the process or moving forward?

I believe that the reason I was “able” to manifest my dream partner despite my thoughts of “Why isn’t he here yet?” was that I had a STRONGER belief underneath it that knew that if other people could do it, I could too. I put MORE energy into the positive, than I did into the negative or non-supportive thoughts.

Think of it as a scale. I had much more energy (weight) on the positive side than the negative, but on occasion, the negative side would be heavier…but it didn’t last long.

Things in life aren’t perfect. The stronger energy in the “positive” drew teachers and coaches and books to me to show me how to expand beyond my limited thinking.

The Universe even “tipped” me off after I met James that he was the “one” I was asking for. You see, I didn’t “see” him as my perfect partner. He didn’t seem to match my criteria. I wanted a figure skater. I wasn’t expecting a younger man. But a friend synchronistically told me about a movie that came out called Cutting Edge 2 where a figure skater manifests her dream skating partner who happens to be an aggressive inline skater and surfer (exactly what James, my partner, was when I met him!).

So you see, you don’t have to be dismayed or react at all to your questioning “Where is he?” Just acknowledge the thought, then remind yourself that The Universe knows the quickest, fastest and best way to get that person to you. And if that person you wish is not an energetic match to who you are right now, you have some GROWING work to do!

Don’t worry. You’ll be given the opportunity to grow if you just stay open to receiving. Synchronicities happen all the time. Let the Law of Attraction work for you in love by staying open and quickly shifting your unsupportive thoughts to ones that work better for you.

I believe in you. If you get stuck, we can always do one-on-one coaching…

Blessings,
Dr. Karen
www.LawofAttractioninLove.com

PS Please write me comments on what you think of this post!

I really wanted to respond to Adrian (see letter below) because his situation reminded me of my own years ago when I was in University. It is a lengthy letter to me, but if you have the inclination, please read it and my response, and please send positive energy to Adrian…

Dear Dr. Karen

When I was 17 years old I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, a type of lymphatic cancer. While going through my treatments I never gave up hope that I would be fine and I did turn out fine. I am currently 18 and I speak at schools about life and the meaning of positivity in it. My life was put on hold and one major aspect of it had to be held out for even longer, my love life.

I have known, cared and loved this girl for 10 years of my life. We met on a vacation and our families meet each other every year at the same place at the same time for a month. I was planning on telling her how I felt the year that I was diagnosed but unfortunately I was diagnosed 3 days before our vacation and my dreams were crushed. I made a vow that the next year when I was healthy, I would tell her and everything would be perfect. This year came and I did tell her and EVERYTHING went perfect.

I’ve loved this girl ever since I met her and I truly believe that she is the one, the one I will marry. She lives 8 hours away from me, I am in Canada and she is in the US. We’ve always kept in touch and we still keep in touch via Skype and phone. I am willing to do whatever it takes to be with her, anything. She is 4 years older than me.

I talk to my parents about her and they shut me down because it is a ”long distance relationship”. I do not care because I will stop at nothing to be with her. We feel the same way for each other but she is concerned about the period of time it will be for me to honestly be with her. I am considering moving to the states once I am done school to be with her, but for now I must finish school but there will always be time to visit her.

Dr. Karen I love this woman and I want nothing else than to see her and her smile. I cry at night because I cannot be with her right now. She was also asked by a guy to go out on a date and her parents make her think that what we have isn’t ready right now, so that she can still be happy and date guys. When she told me this the only thing I could do was to pray and release my emotions. I told her that she could date him, I just want her to be happy. I told her the saying ”If you love something so much, let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be.” I pray that my parents will allow me to go to the states in December or October, (when I have breaks) and I just want them to understand how dedicated I am. My priorities are school, my family and the girl.

Karen I need advice, please, I want nothing else than to be with her. I need advice on how to deal with this Karen, please. The only factors holding me back from seeing her are time, and my parents. It’s been really tough lately and I just pray that I could see the future.

Adrian

Dear Adrian,

Thanks for your heartfelt letter. I really empathize with your situation Adrian. When I was 19, I went through something similar with my first “love”. As the first-born child, my parents were very protective and when I announced to them I had a new boyfriend, I was heartbroken when instead of being happy for me, they seemed fearful and angry.

From my parent’s reactions, I came to the conclusion that they didn’t trust my judgment. They told me in not so many words that I was “too young” to be truly in love and that I went into the relationship too quickly without really thinking. I was basically taught not to trust my own feelings.

Yikes.

Good thing I know better now, but it has taken me almost two decades to listen to my own intuition and act from that place.

The relationship between myself and my parents suffered a great deal of strain because I stuck to my guns (thank goodness for my stubborn side!). My boyfriend made it “worse” by proposing to me after our first year of dating!

I remember crying A LOT, not because I wasn’t connected to my love, but because I let the criticism from my parents cut through me like a knife. There was little that I wanted more than their loving approval.

That was the “approval-seeking-me” back then.

Despite the years of stress with my parents, I wouldn’t change a thing. We now have a much closer relationship than ever before. I learned so much from my relationship with my first boyfriend (who became my husband). Even though we parted ways after we learned as much as we could from each other (and it was time to move on), I do not regret “going against” my parent’s advice.

Nevertheless, I’m not going to advise you to ditch your parents. What I would do, however, is to demonstrate your maturity by making sure you are acting as lovingly responsible as any 18 year old could be.

When my first love and I had to have a long distance relationship, my parents were pleased because they were certain we would break up. Instead, we grew closer. If you want it, Adrian, you’re going to have to fight for it. You have the advantage that you’ve already been through cancer. I see that as an advantage because you’ve been through a life and death situation. People having gone through cancer often have greater clarity of what is important in our lives.

And there is nothing more important than love.

Please be compassionate towards your parents. They are just scared. They want the best for you, even if they couldn’t possibly know what that is. Here’s a little exercise I want you to do to help your parents trust you a little more.

Do this every day if you can.

It is simple. Tell them how much you appreciate them and why. Appreciation never gets old when it is genuine. I’ve seen miracles happen with this exercise. If you’re too shy, start by writing it daily in a journal, but then work up to saying it via email, text messaging, phone and face-to-face. Are you willing to do this?

Lastly, temper your emotional responses to your parents’ criticism. Don’t take it personally. Know that it is just “their stuff” not yours. They are just projecting onto you their own fears and insecurities when they criticize you. See if you can just feel the love underneath all that. If they don’t allow you to see your girlfriend, just let them know that you feel sad about their decision but you understand that they need to do what they are most comfortable with….

…but then you can decide, at age 18, to go see your girlfriend anyway and prepare for the consequences.

Adrian, this isn’t easy, but you have the wisdom within to tell you what to do. Just do your best to stay respectful of your parents while also being true to yourself. They are going to ask you the hard questions – they are going to test you. If you can’t answer something you can just reflect back to them the issue they are concerned about.

Example:

Parents: You’re too young to be so attached. How long do you think “first loves” really last anyway?

Mature You: It sounds like you’re really concerned about my happiness and don’t want me to be sad or disappointed. Is that right? You know, I really appreciate you for your concern and your love. I’m sure there will be times I will be sad or heartbroken – it’s just part of life, but I also know that you’ve raised me to be strong enough to bounce back from anything like I bounced back from cancer. I just want you to know I’m not scared of being hurt.

Keep praying Adrian. Pray in the way that you already see yourselves together and happy.

This lifetime just happens once. If you died tomorrow, would you regret anything?

I believe in you.

Blessings,
Dr. Karen

P.S. When my baby sister (who is six years younger) announced her engagement, instead of admonishing her, my father said, “It’s about time”. My brother-in-law has NO IDEA what my husband and I went through to make it easy for them! My husband and I paved the way…and we’re happy we did.
P.P.S. Please comment on this post and share your wisdom and thoughts!

www.LawofAttractioninLove.com

Dear Dr Karen,

I have a question regarding taking action in order to manifest my dream partner. I currently live at home with my family and the only action and acting ”as if” steps I have been able to take are sleeping on one side of my bed, cleaning out my bathroom drawers and cupboards and leaving an extra toothbrush, towel, face washer and shower puff in my bathroom.

I am working on cleaning out some of my wardrobe space for his clothes and of course, I have written down my dream partner”s laundry list of attributes and qualities and am doing my embodying exercises every day.

My question then is since I still live at home, are these small actions inadequate or not enough? Is there more I should be doing?

Kind Regards,
S

Dear S,

You’ve done a fabulous job of working on your “acting as if” exercises, and it sounds like your attribute list is specific. So congratulations! Keep on doing your embodying exercises.

Your question is a good one which is why I’m answering it today. So are you asking whether that fact that you live with your family is preventing or detering your dream partner from coming around? That is, that what you’re doing is “not enough”?

If so, the answer is, “It depends”.

Even though on the surface it would seem contradictory to be putting so much effort into manifesting your dream partner while you still live in your parents home…unless you plan to attract someone who also wishes to live in your parents home, all is not lost.

The most important thing you can do is to “practice” the feeling of already having the partner you desire. So the rituals you are practicing is to create the vibrational state of having your partner already.

If you desire him/her to be with you in the home you now live, that is one thing, if not, then visualize (embody) scenarios where you live elsewhere.

That being said, you’ll want to make preparations for moving out of your parents’ home. It doesn’t mean you have to move out immediately, but it means that you need to make some goals and set up a timeline or plan as to when you want to be self-sufficient..even if that means renting a small apartment a mile away.

Why is that important?

Well, in my experience, a person really learns who they are by living on their own and experiencing all their choices first hand without parental interference so to speak. The confidence you gain will help you attract a partner who will not only love you for who you are, but will respect you as well (because you respect yourself).

When you know you can be happy and make it on your own without “someone” you’re leaning on for financial support (for example), you’ll be able to attract a higher level partner who is also able to be happy and confident.

You don’t want to “need” someone. Instead you want to be whole and you want your partner to be whole. Two “whole” people, not two halves.

So keep up the good work with your exercises. Now is the time to keep stretching yourself further. When you feel like you’re risk-taking a bit and you are a little uncomfortable, that usually means you are growing, and you’re headed in the right direction!

If you’re too comfortable (in your parents’ home), that may be a sign that your energy is not expanding big enough to magnetically attract the dream partner that matches your list. Make sense? Of course if you’re 15 years old, moving out may be a bit premature! So use your intuition when reading and interpreting my advice.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

Comments? Please let me know what other advice you’d like to give or what you think of my post.

Dr. Karen,

Tia

Dear Tia,

In my experience, visualizing what you want is just PART of the manifesting process. If you’ve read my Creating Your Fairytale Love Life eBook, you’ll remember that there are approximately seven steps to the manifesting process. What I’ll share here is complimentary to what I wrote in the book, so I won’t repeat what’s in the book.

It is more than possible through the Law of Attraction to see these “new” behaviors in your relationship. However, it is going to take some effort and discipline on your part to co-create this. This isn’t about him changing as much as it is about you changing. Really.

Visualization is a powerful tool if you can feel it as a “whole body” experience. Imagine ideal (and believable) situations where you are both enjoying the romance of the moment and how that feels in your body. Do the exercise daily. Your partner may notice a mysterious twinkle in your eye afterwards if you’re practicing this successfully. The power of visualizations depends on repetition AND being able to feel it in your body (not just thinking about it in your mind).

Visualizing is just one of many manifesting tools. A crucial step in harnessing the Law of Attraction is consistent ACTION. In other words, visualization without relevant action is not very useful. Here is what I recommend you do next.

Look really hard for behaviors in your partner that you enjoy and like and make sure you give him appreciation for them, each and every time. This means homework on your part. Make it a daily exercise for at least thirty days (so it becomes a habit) to look for things you appreciate about your partner and tell him about it.

Better yet, don’t just tell him your appreciation verbally. Tell him with your body. Melt your body into his, look into his eyes and glow with loving appreciation for those “little” things he does to show his love for you, even if you don’t consider them “romantic”.

Our partners are our mirrors. If you feel he’s been taking you for granted, you’re probably doing the same in his perception, even if it is unconsciously. Look for ways you have been taking him for granted and start correcting your behavior so that you start giving him the recognition YOU’D like to receive yourself.

Next exercise: start doing romantic things for yourself and for him. Bring out your “Goddess”. For example, get yourself a bouquet flowers and if he asks you why, just tell him you did it because it makes you feel feminine and romantic (only if that is true, of course). Take a bath by candlelight and ask him to join you. Start a tickle fight on the couch. Watch a romantic movie then “attack him” with loving kisses afterwards.

Take belly dancing classes and start “practicing” all over the house in your coin skirt, nudging him with your hips as you shimmy by. Offer a foot rub. Leave sticky notes in odd places around the house (like inside the bathroom cabinet) that say, “I love you!” or “I love your butt!” etc.

I want you to have fun with this. If any of these suggestions make you feel uncomfortable….GOOD! You have room to grow!

So let us know what happens!

If anyone reading this blog post has any other suggestions for Tia, please share them by posting a comment to this blog.

Dr. Karen Kan
www.lawofattractioninlove.com

P.S. Are you stuck at all? Do you think you could use some coaching? If you’re interested group tele-coaching, let me know now as I’m forming a coaching group soon. Click here for more information.

Dear Dr. Karen,

An Indian priest told me I would never have a long lasting relationship with a man.  I’m tired of having my heart broken. I’m just wondering; what is the purpose of trying when you know it won’t last?

Mona

Dear Mona,

Having your heart broken is indeed tiring if it is something that happens over and over again, and you do not feel you have grown or benefited from the experience. On the other hand, the “most joyful” people on this earth are willing to “try” over and over again and possibly get their hearts broken. Why? Because it is in the journey that they learn the most amazing things about themselves and others.

So the direct answer to your question of “What is the purpose of trying when you know it won’t last?” would be:

“because I learn something new and wonderful about myself and others each time I try…and I become closer to my true Self”

Mona, even though this is the “answer” to your question, we’ll have to go deeper because the actual question you are asking isn’t what you truly want to know, is it?

Here are some other questions for you to ask yourself:

1.  If the Indian priest, whom I trust, tells me that I will never have a long lasting relationship, is that really my fate? Can I not change that fate?

2.  Am I willing to relegate my responsibility to co-creating what I want to another person who tells me it is impossible?

3.  Would I be willing to risk having my “heartbroken” if I knew that it was just part of the journey towards manifesting my ideal relationship?

4.  If my capacity for joy and peace is proportional to my willingness to experience pain and suffering, would I be open to experience what I need to learn in order to get to the other side?

Here’s the thing, Mona. You clearly want something different from what the Indian priest told you, right? So you have a decision to make. Those who have been studying and training the Law of Attraction will tell you that your desire is a powerful magnet to co-creating your reality with the Universe.

Your choices: You decide that you believe whatever the Indian priest says and you cannot change your fate OR you decide that what he/she said was just one perspective but that you choose to believe you can create a different reality.

It is up to you. I, for one, would prefer to create my own destiny. Of course, what we co-create is not in a vacuum…the outcome has to be in the highest good of all in order for it to happen. So in your situation, unless you can come up with a really GREAT reason that the world would NOT benefit from you being in a happy relationship, (maybe there is one, but I can’t think of any) then there is a possibility that you can achieve what you want.

Does that make sense?

Besides, what the Indian priest was “reading” when you saw him/her was your energy field at that moment in time. The energy you emanated was one of lack and disappointment, so it makes sense that your “future” was headed for the same energetic imprint. He/she was correct in their “reading”.

However, your “future” can change moment to moment depending on the average energetic field you are emanating. So to change your “future” you need to shift your current energy field to a higher vibration from one of lack and disappointment to one of gratitude and abundance.

Thus, even though the priest may have been “correct” in his reading at the time, it can become completely wrong if you jump to a new energy stream. And to jump to a new energy stream, all you need to do is start growing.

If all of us do not grow, do you know what we do? We die. Growing or evolving is part of our human journey. Plants are either growing or dying. They don’t stay still. Get it?

So if you’re getting the “same old thing” happening to you in relationships, it either means you haven’t learned from your past relationships and shifted into a higher energy state, or that the perception you have chosen does not serve you in getting you what you want.

Here is a quick exercise you can do immediately to start shifting a perception that doesn’t serve you. Instead of dumping all of your previously heartbreaking relationships into the “that was a waste of time and the only good thing it did was to hurt me” bucket, I want you to make a list of all the GIFTS you were given as a result of those relationships….and I mean EACH AND EVERY ONE.

Are you stumped yet? Or are you excited to start growing?

Can you not appreciate ANY of the gifts? Because there are many. To the extent you can “see” those gifts, you will shift into higher energy state, thereby moving towards (as opposed to away from) manifesting what you want.

Here’s a summary:

• You can choose to see your past as just “hurts” or as gifts from which you can grow and move closer to what you wish to manifest
• The priest will be “right” about his prediction if you do not consciously decide that he is not, (you take back the responsibility for co-creating your life instead of giving it to others)
• You have the power to co-create your reality even it is different from the one the priest told you about
• You need to move into a higher energy state in order to achieve a reality you have not been able to create previously
• Working on your personal growth is the way to move into a higher energy state

Mona, I challenge you to write down (you can use the comment section below the blog post) every gift you can appreciate from your past “heartbreaking” relationships, so you can move forward. This is just a start. Often we need help in shifting our energy. What you can do is get support from someone who has already accomplished what you wish to accomplish and learn from that person.

I believe in you.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

www.lawofattractioninlove.com

Hi Dr. Karen,

Hoping to hear from you,
Katrin

Dear Katrin,

Great question and I’m glad you asked. You did a wonderful thing by intentionally manifesting your partner into your life. You took the time to make a list of qualities you desired in a partner and did your visualizations. Then 10 days later you met him! I hear many stories like yours so we know these Law of Attraction tools work.

So now things are going downhill and you can hardly believe why, and are questioning whether you attracted the wrong person in the first place. Well, I can understand why you’d believe that. We’ve all been conditioned from our parents, television, movies and society to believe that relationships are supposed to be blissful forever and that once you find the “right” person, you’re set for life…or at least it wouldn’t be this challenging?

Right? Ring true…even just a bit?

Here’s the thing. You didn’t attract the wrong guy. You attracted the right guy for where you were when you intentioned him into existence with the Law of Attraction. In other words, you attracted the right person for the level of consciousness you were vibrating at when you made your list. Are you with me so far?

So what went wrong? Well, here’s my perspective. Where we often go wrong in our relationships is that our expectations are unnatural. What do I mean by unnatural? OK, think of your relationship as a plant. What does a plant need to flourish? Water, sun, tender loving care right?

Do you know what most people do in relationship? They “fall asleep”. In other words, they do not nourish the “plant”. They do not tend to the plant on a regular basis. What would happen to a real life plant if one day, while admiring how beautiful it looked, you decided to suddenly stop watering it? After a few weeks, it would wither away and die wouldn’t it? What if you over-watered it and didn’t pay attention to its needs? It would also die.

In nature, something is either growing or dying. Another word for this is transformation. Nothing stands still…not even a rock (that is a quantum physics discussion I’m not going to go into right now). So if a plant is not growing, what is it doing?

It’s dying.

So in relationship, we are rarely taught as children as to how to tend to it, how to properly nourish it. We just assume that since it was beautiful to start with, it should remain so indefinitely.

This is an unnatural expectation!

Some would argue that they do indeed nourish their relationships. Their idea of nourishment means making sure they do their “half” of the chores, paying the bills, taking care of the children, going out eat once in a while, having sex etc. That is NOT what I’m talking about. The grand majority of people I know, myself included, go into a deep slumber when it comes to being conscious of how the relationship is growing or worse yet, if it is growing at all!

Here is how you know whether your relationship is growing:

• You discover new things about yourself, how you tick, because of your relationship
• You appreciate and discover new things about your partner, gifts you never recognized before
• Conflict is less scary and you seem to be able to resolve them faster and easier, even if you disagree
• You pursue your personal dreams – your mission – and your partner supports you in that or at least is neutral about it
• You allow your partner to be who they are without trying to change them
• You and your partner become more conscious of who you really are as individuals and why you attracted each other
• You heal old patterns by practicing new ones with your partner
• You’re willing to make mistakes in the relationship and learn from them instead of playing it safe all the time

This is not an inclusive list by far, but what I want to emphasize the most is that instead of expecting the relationship to stay the same, we ought to be focusing on actively growing it.

We all want a heart-connected relationship, don’t we? But most of the time we get so wrapped up in our daily lives that we lose consciousness of nurturing the relationship.

So why do relationships seem more difficult as time goes on?

We attract the partners we do because they serve as our spiritual teachers and healing partners. Even abusive ones, believe it or not. Often they play the same role as our parents did so that we can heal our childhood hurts. We literally PULL from them the negative things we experienced as children. If someone had taught us long ago that our partners’ role is to be our teacher, we’d then appreciate them for giving us a new opportunity to HEAL our past hurts.

But most people have no idea why they’ve chosen the partner they did.

Our partners can highlight for us our deepest shadow…something so uncomfortable that you feel like running away. But if you realize that your partner is your teacher and you can become conscious of what he is bringing up for you, you can heal it. And that does not necessarily obligate you to continue the relationship in its current form (i.e. you can split up if you want to).

Since most of us never went to Relationship School 101, myself included, we just muddle along the best we can. But truthfully, we all need guidance, mentorship and skilled support in the area of relationships.

So do you want to know what James and I do?

Firstly, we’ve committed to a couples session with our spiritual coach/healer on a monthly basis. Most of the time there is nothing “wrong”, but we go because we want to stay “awake” and we want to grow the relationship. It is amazing how quickly each of us can fall asleep! Without that objective third person to “see” through our old patterns, it can be very difficult to realize when we are getting caught up in them.

I’m a huge proponent of preventive “therapy”. In other words, I feel that couples that truly wish to flourish for a long time need to be reconnecting in a deeper way either through couples coaching/counseling on a regular basis, or through spiritual retreats and workshops at least twice a year. As well, having a weekly or monthly couples ritual can be vitally energizing to the relationship.

Why is it that people only seek “help” when their relationship is on the rocks? I’m sure you already know the answer to that question.

Secondly, make sure you dedicate a weekly “Date Night” where the agenda is just fun and connection. Pick something you both like doing and don’t let anything get in the way of “Date night”. If you have to reschedule it on occasion that is fine, but see its importance just like any other important commitment you’ve made such as going to work, brushing your teeth, exercising, paying your mortgage, etc.

So Katrin, are you ready to give up on your relationship? You can use the Law of Attraction again and again to intend the type of relationship you wish. It doesn’t end with just attraction The One. And remember, growing requires some degree of getting out of your comfort zone, so get some coaching, guidance and professional support, even if it is only for yourself.

What you do not “heal” from your past in this relationship, will resurface in the next (thanks to the Law of Attraction). You cannot escape it. It is part of becoming the biggest, happiest SELF you can become. You might as well become conscious of what you are supposed be learning in this relationship before you abandon it completely.

I believe in you.
Blessings,
Dr. Karen Kan
www.lawofattractioninlove.com

PS Let me know what you think of this article by commenting below.

PPS As you may know, I’m an avid reader of all sorts of personal growth books. This month, I’m highly recommending these two books: Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie and The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz.