Dear Dr Karen,

I have a question regarding taking action in order to manifest my dream partner. I currently live at home with my family and the only action and acting ”as if” steps I have been able to take are sleeping on one side of my bed, cleaning out my bathroom drawers and cupboards and leaving an extra toothbrush, towel, face washer and shower puff in my bathroom.

I am working on cleaning out some of my wardrobe space for his clothes and of course, I have written down my dream partner”s laundry list of attributes and qualities and am doing my embodying exercises every day.

My question then is since I still live at home, are these small actions inadequate or not enough? Is there more I should be doing?

Kind Regards,
S

Dear S,

You’ve done a fabulous job of working on your “acting as if” exercises, and it sounds like your attribute list is specific. So congratulations! Keep on doing your embodying exercises.

Your question is a good one which is why I’m answering it today. So are you asking whether that fact that you live with your family is preventing or detering your dream partner from coming around? That is, that what you’re doing is “not enough”?

If so, the answer is, “It depends”.

Even though on the surface it would seem contradictory to be putting so much effort into manifesting your dream partner while you still live in your parents home…unless you plan to attract someone who also wishes to live in your parents home, all is not lost.

The most important thing you can do is to “practice” the feeling of already having the partner you desire. So the rituals you are practicing is to create the vibrational state of having your partner already.

If you desire him/her to be with you in the home you now live, that is one thing, if not, then visualize (embody) scenarios where you live elsewhere.

That being said, you’ll want to make preparations for moving out of your parents’ home. It doesn’t mean you have to move out immediately, but it means that you need to make some goals and set up a timeline or plan as to when you want to be self-sufficient..even if that means renting a small apartment a mile away.

Why is that important?

Well, in my experience, a person really learns who they are by living on their own and experiencing all their choices first hand without parental interference so to speak. The confidence you gain will help you attract a partner who will not only love you for who you are, but will respect you as well (because you respect yourself).

When you know you can be happy and make it on your own without “someone” you’re leaning on for financial support (for example), you’ll be able to attract a higher level partner who is also able to be happy and confident.

You don’t want to “need” someone. Instead you want to be whole and you want your partner to be whole. Two “whole” people, not two halves.

So keep up the good work with your exercises. Now is the time to keep stretching yourself further. When you feel like you’re risk-taking a bit and you are a little uncomfortable, that usually means you are growing, and you’re headed in the right direction!

If you’re too comfortable (in your parents’ home), that may be a sign that your energy is not expanding big enough to magnetically attract the dream partner that matches your list. Make sense? Of course if you’re 15 years old, moving out may be a bit premature! So use your intuition when reading and interpreting my advice.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

Comments? Please let me know what other advice you’d like to give or what you think of my post.

Dr. Karen,

Tia

Dear Tia,

In my experience, visualizing what you want is just PART of the manifesting process. If you’ve read my Creating Your Fairytale Love Life eBook, you’ll remember that there are approximately seven steps to the manifesting process. What I’ll share here is complimentary to what I wrote in the book, so I won’t repeat what’s in the book.

It is more than possible through the Law of Attraction to see these “new” behaviors in your relationship. However, it is going to take some effort and discipline on your part to co-create this. This isn’t about him changing as much as it is about you changing. Really.

Visualization is a powerful tool if you can feel it as a “whole body” experience. Imagine ideal (and believable) situations where you are both enjoying the romance of the moment and how that feels in your body. Do the exercise daily. Your partner may notice a mysterious twinkle in your eye afterwards if you’re practicing this successfully. The power of visualizations depends on repetition AND being able to feel it in your body (not just thinking about it in your mind).

Visualizing is just one of many manifesting tools. A crucial step in harnessing the Law of Attraction is consistent ACTION. In other words, visualization without relevant action is not very useful. Here is what I recommend you do next.

Look really hard for behaviors in your partner that you enjoy and like and make sure you give him appreciation for them, each and every time. This means homework on your part. Make it a daily exercise for at least thirty days (so it becomes a habit) to look for things you appreciate about your partner and tell him about it.

Better yet, don’t just tell him your appreciation verbally. Tell him with your body. Melt your body into his, look into his eyes and glow with loving appreciation for those “little” things he does to show his love for you, even if you don’t consider them “romantic”.

Our partners are our mirrors. If you feel he’s been taking you for granted, you’re probably doing the same in his perception, even if it is unconsciously. Look for ways you have been taking him for granted and start correcting your behavior so that you start giving him the recognition YOU’D like to receive yourself.

Next exercise: start doing romantic things for yourself and for him. Bring out your “Goddess”. For example, get yourself a bouquet flowers and if he asks you why, just tell him you did it because it makes you feel feminine and romantic (only if that is true, of course). Take a bath by candlelight and ask him to join you. Start a tickle fight on the couch. Watch a romantic movie then “attack him” with loving kisses afterwards.

Take belly dancing classes and start “practicing” all over the house in your coin skirt, nudging him with your hips as you shimmy by. Offer a foot rub. Leave sticky notes in odd places around the house (like inside the bathroom cabinet) that say, “I love you!” or “I love your butt!” etc.

I want you to have fun with this. If any of these suggestions make you feel uncomfortable….GOOD! You have room to grow!

So let us know what happens!

If anyone reading this blog post has any other suggestions for Tia, please share them by posting a comment to this blog.

Dr. Karen Kan
www.lawofattractioninlove.com

P.S. Are you stuck at all? Do you think you could use some coaching? If you’re interested group tele-coaching, let me know now as I’m forming a coaching group soon. Click here for more information.

Dear Dr. Karen,

An Indian priest told me I would never have a long lasting relationship with a man.  I’m tired of having my heart broken. I’m just wondering; what is the purpose of trying when you know it won’t last?

Mona

Dear Mona,

Having your heart broken is indeed tiring if it is something that happens over and over again, and you do not feel you have grown or benefited from the experience. On the other hand, the “most joyful” people on this earth are willing to “try” over and over again and possibly get their hearts broken. Why? Because it is in the journey that they learn the most amazing things about themselves and others.

So the direct answer to your question of “What is the purpose of trying when you know it won’t last?” would be:

“because I learn something new and wonderful about myself and others each time I try…and I become closer to my true Self”

Mona, even though this is the “answer” to your question, we’ll have to go deeper because the actual question you are asking isn’t what you truly want to know, is it?

Here are some other questions for you to ask yourself:

1.  If the Indian priest, whom I trust, tells me that I will never have a long lasting relationship, is that really my fate? Can I not change that fate?

2.  Am I willing to relegate my responsibility to co-creating what I want to another person who tells me it is impossible?

3.  Would I be willing to risk having my “heartbroken” if I knew that it was just part of the journey towards manifesting my ideal relationship?

4.  If my capacity for joy and peace is proportional to my willingness to experience pain and suffering, would I be open to experience what I need to learn in order to get to the other side?

Here’s the thing, Mona. You clearly want something different from what the Indian priest told you, right? So you have a decision to make. Those who have been studying and training the Law of Attraction will tell you that your desire is a powerful magnet to co-creating your reality with the Universe.

Your choices: You decide that you believe whatever the Indian priest says and you cannot change your fate OR you decide that what he/she said was just one perspective but that you choose to believe you can create a different reality.

It is up to you. I, for one, would prefer to create my own destiny. Of course, what we co-create is not in a vacuum…the outcome has to be in the highest good of all in order for it to happen. So in your situation, unless you can come up with a really GREAT reason that the world would NOT benefit from you being in a happy relationship, (maybe there is one, but I can’t think of any) then there is a possibility that you can achieve what you want.

Does that make sense?

Besides, what the Indian priest was “reading” when you saw him/her was your energy field at that moment in time. The energy you emanated was one of lack and disappointment, so it makes sense that your “future” was headed for the same energetic imprint. He/she was correct in their “reading”.

However, your “future” can change moment to moment depending on the average energetic field you are emanating. So to change your “future” you need to shift your current energy field to a higher vibration from one of lack and disappointment to one of gratitude and abundance.

Thus, even though the priest may have been “correct” in his reading at the time, it can become completely wrong if you jump to a new energy stream. And to jump to a new energy stream, all you need to do is start growing.

If all of us do not grow, do you know what we do? We die. Growing or evolving is part of our human journey. Plants are either growing or dying. They don’t stay still. Get it?

So if you’re getting the “same old thing” happening to you in relationships, it either means you haven’t learned from your past relationships and shifted into a higher energy state, or that the perception you have chosen does not serve you in getting you what you want.

Here is a quick exercise you can do immediately to start shifting a perception that doesn’t serve you. Instead of dumping all of your previously heartbreaking relationships into the “that was a waste of time and the only good thing it did was to hurt me” bucket, I want you to make a list of all the GIFTS you were given as a result of those relationships….and I mean EACH AND EVERY ONE.

Are you stumped yet? Or are you excited to start growing?

Can you not appreciate ANY of the gifts? Because there are many. To the extent you can “see” those gifts, you will shift into higher energy state, thereby moving towards (as opposed to away from) manifesting what you want.

Here’s a summary:

• You can choose to see your past as just “hurts” or as gifts from which you can grow and move closer to what you wish to manifest
• The priest will be “right” about his prediction if you do not consciously decide that he is not, (you take back the responsibility for co-creating your life instead of giving it to others)
• You have the power to co-create your reality even it is different from the one the priest told you about
• You need to move into a higher energy state in order to achieve a reality you have not been able to create previously
• Working on your personal growth is the way to move into a higher energy state

Mona, I challenge you to write down (you can use the comment section below the blog post) every gift you can appreciate from your past “heartbreaking” relationships, so you can move forward. This is just a start. Often we need help in shifting our energy. What you can do is get support from someone who has already accomplished what you wish to accomplish and learn from that person.

I believe in you.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan

www.lawofattractioninlove.com

Hi Dr. Karen,

Hoping to hear from you,
Katrin

Dear Katrin,

Great question and I’m glad you asked. You did a wonderful thing by intentionally manifesting your partner into your life. You took the time to make a list of qualities you desired in a partner and did your visualizations. Then 10 days later you met him! I hear many stories like yours so we know these Law of Attraction tools work.

So now things are going downhill and you can hardly believe why, and are questioning whether you attracted the wrong person in the first place. Well, I can understand why you’d believe that. We’ve all been conditioned from our parents, television, movies and society to believe that relationships are supposed to be blissful forever and that once you find the “right” person, you’re set for life…or at least it wouldn’t be this challenging?

Right? Ring true…even just a bit?

Here’s the thing. You didn’t attract the wrong guy. You attracted the right guy for where you were when you intentioned him into existence with the Law of Attraction. In other words, you attracted the right person for the level of consciousness you were vibrating at when you made your list. Are you with me so far?

So what went wrong? Well, here’s my perspective. Where we often go wrong in our relationships is that our expectations are unnatural. What do I mean by unnatural? OK, think of your relationship as a plant. What does a plant need to flourish? Water, sun, tender loving care right?

Do you know what most people do in relationship? They “fall asleep”. In other words, they do not nourish the “plant”. They do not tend to the plant on a regular basis. What would happen to a real life plant if one day, while admiring how beautiful it looked, you decided to suddenly stop watering it? After a few weeks, it would wither away and die wouldn’t it? What if you over-watered it and didn’t pay attention to its needs? It would also die.

In nature, something is either growing or dying. Another word for this is transformation. Nothing stands still…not even a rock (that is a quantum physics discussion I’m not going to go into right now). So if a plant is not growing, what is it doing?

It’s dying.

So in relationship, we are rarely taught as children as to how to tend to it, how to properly nourish it. We just assume that since it was beautiful to start with, it should remain so indefinitely.

This is an unnatural expectation!

Some would argue that they do indeed nourish their relationships. Their idea of nourishment means making sure they do their “half” of the chores, paying the bills, taking care of the children, going out eat once in a while, having sex etc. That is NOT what I’m talking about. The grand majority of people I know, myself included, go into a deep slumber when it comes to being conscious of how the relationship is growing or worse yet, if it is growing at all!

Here is how you know whether your relationship is growing:

• You discover new things about yourself, how you tick, because of your relationship
• You appreciate and discover new things about your partner, gifts you never recognized before
• Conflict is less scary and you seem to be able to resolve them faster and easier, even if you disagree
• You pursue your personal dreams – your mission – and your partner supports you in that or at least is neutral about it
• You allow your partner to be who they are without trying to change them
• You and your partner become more conscious of who you really are as individuals and why you attracted each other
• You heal old patterns by practicing new ones with your partner
• You’re willing to make mistakes in the relationship and learn from them instead of playing it safe all the time

This is not an inclusive list by far, but what I want to emphasize the most is that instead of expecting the relationship to stay the same, we ought to be focusing on actively growing it.

We all want a heart-connected relationship, don’t we? But most of the time we get so wrapped up in our daily lives that we lose consciousness of nurturing the relationship.

So why do relationships seem more difficult as time goes on?

We attract the partners we do because they serve as our spiritual teachers and healing partners. Even abusive ones, believe it or not. Often they play the same role as our parents did so that we can heal our childhood hurts. We literally PULL from them the negative things we experienced as children. If someone had taught us long ago that our partners’ role is to be our teacher, we’d then appreciate them for giving us a new opportunity to HEAL our past hurts.

But most people have no idea why they’ve chosen the partner they did.

Our partners can highlight for us our deepest shadow…something so uncomfortable that you feel like running away. But if you realize that your partner is your teacher and you can become conscious of what he is bringing up for you, you can heal it. And that does not necessarily obligate you to continue the relationship in its current form (i.e. you can split up if you want to).

Since most of us never went to Relationship School 101, myself included, we just muddle along the best we can. But truthfully, we all need guidance, mentorship and skilled support in the area of relationships.

So do you want to know what James and I do?

Firstly, we’ve committed to a couples session with our spiritual coach/healer on a monthly basis. Most of the time there is nothing “wrong”, but we go because we want to stay “awake” and we want to grow the relationship. It is amazing how quickly each of us can fall asleep! Without that objective third person to “see” through our old patterns, it can be very difficult to realize when we are getting caught up in them.

I’m a huge proponent of preventive “therapy”. In other words, I feel that couples that truly wish to flourish for a long time need to be reconnecting in a deeper way either through couples coaching/counseling on a regular basis, or through spiritual retreats and workshops at least twice a year. As well, having a weekly or monthly couples ritual can be vitally energizing to the relationship.

Why is it that people only seek “help” when their relationship is on the rocks? I’m sure you already know the answer to that question.

Secondly, make sure you dedicate a weekly “Date Night” where the agenda is just fun and connection. Pick something you both like doing and don’t let anything get in the way of “Date night”. If you have to reschedule it on occasion that is fine, but see its importance just like any other important commitment you’ve made such as going to work, brushing your teeth, exercising, paying your mortgage, etc.

So Katrin, are you ready to give up on your relationship? You can use the Law of Attraction again and again to intend the type of relationship you wish. It doesn’t end with just attraction The One. And remember, growing requires some degree of getting out of your comfort zone, so get some coaching, guidance and professional support, even if it is only for yourself.

What you do not “heal” from your past in this relationship, will resurface in the next (thanks to the Law of Attraction). You cannot escape it. It is part of becoming the biggest, happiest SELF you can become. You might as well become conscious of what you are supposed be learning in this relationship before you abandon it completely.

I believe in you.
Blessings,
Dr. Karen Kan
www.lawofattractioninlove.com

PS Let me know what you think of this article by commenting below.

PPS As you may know, I’m an avid reader of all sorts of personal growth books. This month, I’m highly recommending these two books: Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie and The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz.

Dear Dr Karen,

Thanks in advance!
Anon

Dear Anon,

Great question. Thanks for asking this as I’m sure it is on other people’s minds as well. Here’s the thing. The Universe has absolutely NO judgment good or bad on what you prefer or find attractive in a partner. The real issue is not whether you should or shouldn’t specify a particular race for your partner. The real issue is how you feel about doing so.

Apparently, you are feeling guilty and are judging yourself as being shallow. It is your self-judgment that is detrimental, not your desire or preferences. Sometimes we cannot know why we desire certain things. It may be a soul wish and you’ll never know for sure the reason. So my advice is that instead of causing yourself emotional pain by questioning your preferences, learn to lovingly accept them instead.

There is nothing wrong with finding a particular race more attractive. It doesn’t mean you are rejecting the other races per se, but instead, it is just a preference. If someone else thinks you are shallow, ignore the judgment. You are only shallow if you think you are. Reframe your judgment into a preference and drop the emotional content surrounding your preference.

It’s no big deal.

And you don’t have to justify your preferences to anyone either. It is none of their business. Your wish list doesn’t have to be publically scrutinized. The only person that has to like it is you. If you’re truly concerned, you can get a coaching session on your “laundry list” if you really want constructive feedback. I’ve helped my clients clarify their choices that sometimes were based on old habits rather than conscious choices.

Just know…there is an abundance of wonderful amazing people to choose from. Don’t worry about limiting yourself because of just this one preference. Stop being hard on yourself. Let it go.

Please comment and let me know what you think of this blog post.

Blessings,
Dr. Karen Kan

P.S. Remember that February is LOVE month and it is a great opportunity to not only contribute to Haiti Relief (50% of profits go to Haiti), but to make the commitment to yourself to using the Law of Attraction to manifest your greatest relationship. Get free access to the Law of Attraction in Love Teleseminar Series 2009 with any purchase.

Purchase both the Creating Your Fairytale Love Life eBook and Law of Attraction Home Study Course and get a FREE 30 minute private coaching session with me worth $175.

Dear Dr. Karen,

Money is energy, and I emanate my own energy from within and attract to me what is compatible to my energy frequency, how can I attract money to me so that I don’t end up working myself to the bone only to end up barely above water when I’m an old man?

Kelvin

Dear Kelvin,

You are correct in saying that money is energy and that in order to attract money, you must radiate the “ideal” money-coherent frequency. So the good news is that you already UNDERSTAND the concept of what must happen in order to attract money into your life.

The seven steps of manifesting that I teach in my eBook and my Law of Attraction Home Study Course are the same whether you are manifesting love in your life or more money. What I’ve found is that step number 5, which deals with Obstacles, can be the most stubborn when it comes to money.

Many of us grew up with negative money beliefs, some of which we are not even aware of. The subconscious negative beliefs about money and wealth are the MAIN reasons that hamper people from consciously using the Law of Attraction to attract more money. In other words, it isn’t about how much schooling you received, whether you are smart enough or even if you work hard enough. It boils down to your beliefs!

There is a saying amongst Law of Attraction teachers that goes something like this: Your income will be the average of the income of the five closest people you hang out with. Now I’m not saying to go out today and ditch your “poor” friends, but seriously, unless you make an effort to learn to get to know and emulate powerful, enlightened wealthy people, your chances of money success is next to nil!

I’ll share with you what I’ve found most helpful for myself. First is a free teleseminar about your money beliefs and how they affect your success:

www.secretstomoney.info

Next is a list of books I recommend that you start devouring immediately!

• Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, T. Harv Eker
• Millionaire Maker, Loral Langemeier
• Cash Machine for Life, Loral Langemeier
• The Four Hour Work Week, Tim Ferris
• Rich Dad, Poor Dad, Robert Kiyosaki
• Put More Cash in Your Pocket, Loral Langemeier
• Who Do You Think You Are? Keith Leon

Here’s some general pointers:

• You need to learn to take interest in managing money, even if you have to fake it initially. The Universe will not give you MORE until you have demonstrated that you can handle more.
• Clarity breeds better intentions. If you don’t know what your “profit-loss” numbers are on a monthly basis, start doing this today. It isn’t hard (check out Millionaire Maker for instructions)
• Money does not come into chaos.
• If you don’t good reasons for the amount of money you want to attract, you won’t get it. So become clear on what you wish to DO with the money and how much it will actually cost.
• The people who get paid the most usually help the most people.
• Change your money language.

Notice what you said above: so that I don’t end up working myself to the bone only to end up barely above water when I’m an old man?

That sentence is chock full of old beliefs and attitudes that no longer serve your higher purpose. Can you see that now? What I’m hearing is the belief that one must work HARD (to the bone even!) for a LONG time to earn lots of money. The “barely above water” is a really strong SCARCITY phrase and I encourage you to get rid of this type of language from your vocabulary starting right now.

There are big No-No phrases if you’re using the Law of Attraction to attract more money:

• We can’t afford it (if you say it, it will be true for you)
• That’s too expensive (scarcity energy)
• Must be nice! (to be able to afford such-and-such…envy energy)
• Money doesn’t grow trees (of course it does…it is made of paper isn’t it?)
• I just want enough to be comfortable (comfort is highly overrated and not a single wealthy person got there by being comfortable!)
• Materialism is bad (no it isn’t, it just depends on your intentions)
• Money is the root of all evil (money is just energy remember?)

Here are positive things to do:

• When you see someone who seems wealthy, appreciate them instead of being envious – and tell yourself, if they can do it, so can I
• Appreciate beautiful material things, even if you don’t plan on buying them. Anti-materialism will keep you poor for sure!
• Grow out of your comfort zone and get some professional coaching to help you find out what your passions are and how you can make money from them.

Learning how to become wealthy requires intensive but FUN study. You’ll learn to use your GIFTS in a way that serves as many people as possible. It is part of your Life Mission!

I believe in you.

Dr. Karen Kan

PS:

February is LOVE month, so I’d like to share a valuable offer. As most of you know, Haiti and those that lost loved-ones have been on our minds and in our prayers since the earthquake in January. For the month of February, I’m donating 50% of the profits from my eBook and Law of Attraction Home Study Course sales to Haiti.

Please help me in giving to them (as well as giving to yourself)! Here are the links:

Creating Your Fairytale Love Life eBook

Law of Attraction in Love Home Study Course

Thank you in advance!

Blessings,

Dr. Karen

The Dear Dr. Karen question this week:

Dear Dr. Karen:

Joseph

Dear Joseph:

Thanks for writing. Did you say years?

Let me get this straight. You’ve been in love with this woman for years, have told her that you love her and shared with her your desires for your future together and she doesn’t really want to show you she cares all these years?

Well, it is great that she has values, beliefs and desirable qualities you resonate with. That’s a good start. But after being friends for years, don’t you think you’ve waited a long time to have your affections reciprocated? And now you live thousands of miles away!

I’ve heard of a woman playing hard to get, but I’m not getting any sense from you that she is even trying to vie for your attentions. So my question to you is, what exactly are you looking for from this woman? And how can this be the woman you desire if she does not desire you? Years is long enough for her to figure it out don’t you think?

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Well, it’s not really a secret, but many people don’t realize this: that the world is changing faster and faster. And what that means for you is that years is definitely TOO long not to move forward with your life! That’s not to say that learning dating skills won’t be helpful. And learning to understand women is even more helpful.

Here’s what I know. There is a woman (or more than one) out “there” who can’t wait to be with you. Someone who adores you just as you adore her. You don’t have to change yourself just so she will love you. She will love you as you are. Believe it. Feel it – and it will be yours.

You deserve it.

Just because you love this woman you’ve set your sights on doesn’t mean you can’t love another! Instead, use the love you feel to create and attract an even better match. Let go emotionally of being with THIS particular woman. In fact, I’d encourage you to ask her point blank whether she is romantically interested in you or not, and to let her know that it is OK if she isn’t because you’ll learn to move on. You just need to know the truth. Women have a way of not telling the truth because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.

If you can show her that you are “man” (i.e. strong) enough to take the truth, you’ll get it. She needs to know you won’t crumble. And it’s about time that you free yourself of anything and anyone who would slow your growth into the love you desire.

Change is happening much faster in our world now. You cannot “afford” to keep waiting for your life to happen. You deserve to experience life and love like never before.

For your growth and education, I’d highly recommend that you read books by David Deida: www.deida.info especially, The Way of the Superior Man, which you can find in my Law of Attraction in Love Bookstore. When you start to resonate at your most enlightened masculine self, you’d be AMAZED at the women (and the quality of women) you attract! Best to you Joseph!

Blessings,
Dr. Karen Kan

Dear Dr. Karen,

Sijay

Dear Sijay,

The first thought that came to my mind when I read your letter was, “What a delightfully fun position to be in!”

Sijay, if you’re getting feedback from others (whom you trust) that the New Guy is dropping hints, then he is either interested in you or he is playing a game where he wants you to be interested in him because he is used to all the attention and can’t seem to get yours!

So Sijay, it feels as if you could use lessons in creative flirting. Flirting has been given a “bad name” over the years, but actually, what it entails is energetic play. It is like a dance. There is inappropriate flirting – “coming onto” someone sexually just to manipulate them and get attention. However, there is safe and fun flirting that is connecting and enjoyable without being manipulative.

Since your style is not to be too forward (which probably got his attention in the first place), my suggestion to you is the engage in “flirting” by asking questions and stating your observations. Start with neutral questions and observations.

Here are a few suggestions you can play around with in your mind to see if they resonate with you:

While you’re in conversation with the New Guy, you might suddenly say:

YOU: You know what, New Guy? I’ve made an interesting observation.

HIM: Really? What?

YOU: I’ve noticed that ever since you came to work in this office, all the women here have been clamoring over you. What’s that been like for you? So what’s it like getting all this attention?

HIM: (blushing) ah, er, really? Or he might say,

HIM: Nah, I’m not interested in them.

YOU: Yes, really. Haven’t you noticed? Or

YOU: So you’re not interested in them? Really? So is there someone special in your life you’re not telling us about? Or

YOU: Gee, I was wondering about what kind of person you would be interested in?

YOU: Hmmm, you’re not playing “hard to get” are you?

Next time he asks you questions like

HIM: What are you doing this weekend?

You might wish to get up the courage to answer,

YOU: Why, are you going to ask me out?

or maybe you could be more creative and say,

YOU: Well, I’d absolutely LOVE to see the new movie, X, this weekend, but I don’t really feel like going alone….so
what are you up to?

Then you can see if he takes the hint. If he’s been hinting to you and is truly interested, then he may bite. If he’s playing around or you’re being too subtle for him, he may not.

You can also subtly call him on his antics:

YOU: Gee, you know, you asked me for the menu from the local diner, but you haven’t been there have you? I was wondering why you wanted it?

You’ll be pretty safe asking questions. You can also give genuine compliments. For example, when I first met my dream partner, James, I noticed his beautiful smile. So I complimented him on it. I wasn’t trying to flirt. I was just appreciating his beauty. Well! That really got his attention because apparently, he had no idea that he was good looking! Amazing isn’t it?

So find something genuinely interesting or attractive about the New Guy (assuming you ARE interested in him) and share your appreciations. It can go something like:

YOU: You know what I appreciate about you New Guy? You have the warmest smile/greatest laugh/very attractive eyes.

Or

YOU: You know what I appreciate about you New Guy? Whenever I see you, it makes my day because you really know how to make me feel comfortable/make me laugh/ make me smile etc.

OK, enough flirting lessons for the day. The bottom line is this: you’re going to have to stretch a little out of your comfort zone to test the waters. It doesn’t mean that this guy is THE ONE you’ll spend the rest of your life with, but every relationship helps you learn more about yourself. Let this relationship be a springboard for your personal growth.

Happy Flirting, (and tell us what happens!)
Dr. Karen Kan

Dear Dr. Karen,

Thanks,
Too confused to understand Men!

Dear “Too Confused”,

I can see how frustrated you are with this situation. It is as if this man is two different people. One the phone and through email and messages he is attractive in every way and attentive and loving. But in person, he is scared, distant and totally unavailable!

Well, this is a painful lesson for you. People can often use the “safety” of distance (not face-to-face) contact to express their fantasies, but eventually, a relationship needs to be able to grow past all that. This man you attracted is far from ready to be attentive to you in “real” life. He lives in a fantasy world online and you just happen to fall into a trap. It isn’t that he meant for it to be a trap, it is just that his world is not REAL.

You deserve a REAL relationship with someone who is willing to be who he REALLY is face-to-face with you. This Italian man is clearly very shy and has not had much practice in being in real relationships. He is intimidated, but that is not your fault. You do not have to make yourself smaller just so he can feel more confident. He is like a child at this point…not meaning any harm, but not able either to be an ADULT in the relationship.

You have lots of red flags here that are telling you to abandon the relationship as soon as possible. The fact that you still linger means that on the subconscious level, your self-esteem is low and that you do not feel you deserve better..otherwise you would have dropped him like a hot potato and moved on.

But it’s OK if you haven’t yet. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Understand that by hoping he would change, you are asking someone to be who they are not…which is not very loving or attractive. This is how you use the Law of Attraction. Let go of what clearly isn’t serving you (otherwise you give the message to the Universe that you deserve to be treated in a way that is less than loving). Then start again with your wish list and ADD the criteria to the list you missed in your first “try”.

So you may wish to add, “a man that is able and willing to connect with me on a mature level” or something even more specific.

By letting go of this relationship, you will harness the law of attraction by giving the message that this is NOT good enough for you. Move on. That means ending the relationship. Don’t even stay friends since you’re still feeling hurt. It is energy that is draining you from your true desires. Just let him know that after your meeting, you’ve realized that you’re both not on the same page and that you need to move on and make a clean break. Wish him well, then say goodbye. It isn’t easy, and he’ll rebel, but it is the best for both of you. Be strong.

You need to learn you deserve more and he needs to learn (for his own benefit) that a fantasy love life doesn’t serve either of you in the end.

If you need help with that, seek the help of a coach like myself or a counselor. I believe in you.

Blessings,
Dr. Karen
P.S. If you haven’t done so already, please connect with me on Twitter and FaceBook!

Dear Dr. Karen

Alexander

Dear Alexander,

I’m not quite sure why you’re asking me whether you can find another young woman to have a relationship with since you’ve been fairly successful at attracting them in your past. It sounds like you’re doubting that you can because of your disabilities – is that it?

It is good to hear that your former girlfriends have all become friends. It sounds like there is genuine love and respect there. Congrats!

One thing that caught my attention is your belief about giving your love in exchange for trust and intimacy. You may wish to listen to the Blog Talk Radio interview I did with Neale Donald Walsch on the subject of romantic relationships. It isn’t about an “exchange” of anything if I can paraphrase. Instead it is about giving the biggest YOU you can give in a relationship.

Old paradigm relationships are about exchanges. I’ll do this for you if you do that for me. I’ll be sexually faithful to you if you’re sexually faithful to me. I won’t smoke/drink/gamble if you promise to love me, etc. The new paradigm of relationships isn’t about these “trades” or exchanges at all. It is about being fully who you are – being fully in your divine, an offering your love unconditionally.

So it matters not how old you are or how well you can walk, but about how much of your presence and love you can give to another.

Blessings to you,
Dr. Karen Kan