Dear Dr. Karen: Do You Believe in the No Contact Rule in Break Ups?

Posted on 03 May 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

Have you heard of the No Contact Rule when it comes to break ups? Do you think that really works? My boyfriend broke up with me on Christmas Day because he thinks I lied to him and told me to never speak to him again. I didn’t do what he said. We’ve had no contact since the Tuesday before Christmas. I’ve been trying to let go but still anguishing waiting for him to contact me at least by phone stating he needs to talk to me. Do you believe in the No Contact rule?

Donna

Dear Donna,

Great question Donna. I can imagine the anguish you must feel when you feel you’ve done nothing wrong and you can’t explain yourself to your boyfriend. Frustrating I would imagine.

It neither believe or dis-believe in the “no contact” rule. It has nothing to do with belief.

Your boyfriend had a very serious reaction to whatever he thought you did. It probably touched his “core wound” and the pain was so great that he did whatever he felt was best to shield himself from further wounding. The fact that you didn’t mean to do any harm is besides the point. It is his perception that he is relying on. That’s all he has. And his perceptions are based in his “relationship blueprint” from childhood.

If his actions seem unreasonable to you, it is further evidence of this “wounding” I’m talking about. He is not consciously aware of this wounding so his actions will seem perfectly “logical” to him. For example, if he witnessed his father “lying” to his mother and how upset she was when he was a young boy, he will react violently to anything remotely similar in his adult life. See if you can feel a little bit of understanding and compassion now that you know this.

The one action you can take is to respect his space and his request for non-contact. I know this sounds very difficult, but trust me, if you push for contact, you will lose his trust further. I had an old boyfriend who didn’t respect my wish for non-contact and insisted on leaving messages on my voicemail. I lost trust because he didn’t respect my wish for space. The message I got was,

“You SHOULDN’T need space. I know better than you do what you need. My needs are more important than yours. You’re opinions and wishes are unimportant and wrong.”

Of course, that is not what he meant. But by calling me when I told him NOT to showed me that he cared more about what he needed than what I needed.

So, your best move is to wait and heal. There is one law of attraction exercise you can do to mend things quickly. I can’t promise you WHEN it will happen, only that it WILL. Your willingness and diligence in doing this exercise authentically will show up in your results.

Here’s the exercise. Because he has asked for non-contact, you are not permitted to call, email, snail mail your ex unless he explicitedly allows it. I suppose if he told you not to call him, you could use a loop hole and write him a letter. But only you know what he TRULY meant. Likely, he meant NO contact whatsoever, so don’t manipulate the situation just because you can.

Everything is Energy. You can still communicate to him…even one-sided. Here’s what you do: every day for at least 30 days straight, write your ex a virtual letter. In this letter, you will do your best to communicate your love, respect and understanding to your ex. You’ll tell him exactly what you love about him and why you miss him. You can even explain what “happened” as if he were standing there listening to you. You can ask for forgiveness from him.

You can be as creative as you want to be. It is important that the Energy of the letter be one of love and understanding, not one of neediness or accusations.

You see, since everything is energy, even if you don’t literally send the letter to your ex, he will RECEIVE it energetically. Yes! He will actually receive the messages you write in vibrational form. He will not know you are communicating to him consciously, but unconsciously the messages will enter his energy field. His unconscious will filter and let in whatever messages most resonate.

If YOU feel the love when you write the letter, he will FEEL it too. That’s the beauty of this exercise. I can’t tell you how many times this simple exercise has created peace where there was conflict. Are you willing to take this action? Is your relationship important enough to do it?

This is my challenge to you. Let me know after 30 days how things are going for you.

Blessings,

Dr. Karen Kan


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