Dear Dr. Karen: My Family Is Pressuring Me to Just Find “Anyone” But I’m Waiting For My Soulmate

Posted on 12 April 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,

My questions is how do I stop other negative people from getting me down. I’ve been working very hard to accept myself and to find happiness within myself before I can attract my soul mate. But my sister and friends constantly pressure me to go out there and just find ”someone”. I just don”t want to settle with someone, I want to find ”the one” and I’m just not ready yet. I feel that this is something very difficult for them to understand, but what can I do to block this external negativity from hindering my progress?



Dear Ali,

I can empathize with your situation. Often those close to us can’t understand why we don’t see things the way they do. They are coming from an old paradigm that you no longer resonate with. I have a few suggestions for you to help you cope.

Allow your friends and family to have their point of view without criticism. Just accept that they are coming from a different vibration – a vibration of scarcity “there isn’t enough so hurry up and find one soon!” In allowing them their point of view, it doesn’t mean sitting there passively and letting them nag you. You can be assertive. You can tell them when they start in,

“I understand where you are coming from. I can feel that you have my best interests at heart and I appreciate that. That being said, I also cannot do what doesn’t feel right for me. Just like I wouldn’t want you to do something I’d want you do to if it didn’t feel right for you, I hope you can understand. Thank you for your loving concern. I can feel your love for me.”

When you read what I just wrote, how does that feel to you? Can you imagine what that would feel like (in your own words and with genuine emotion) to your loved ones? Understand that they aren’t trying to control you because they like controlling. They are trying to get you to do what they want you to do because they are scared for you and are projecting that fear onto your life. You don’t have to fall prey to it. You just want to understand the core of why they are doing it and understand that their intentions are good.

Despite your best efforts to state where you stand, lovingly and compassionately, if you are still getting “advice” from all sides and you feel overwhelmed, then it may do you good to take some space from these well-meaning friends and relatives. That means not “hanging out” with them as much.

I remember a time when every time I called my mother, my perception was that she was criticizing me. This was during medical school where I was stressed out from lack of sleep and a ton of homework. Believe me, I had no energy to be understanding or compassionate to her criticism! So instead I stopped calling and when she criticized me for that, I explained to her that I’d rather call her because I wanted to rather than because I felt obligated to. She didn’t like that very much, but after a while she got the hint and our phone calls became much more supportive and enjoyable.

One of the “risks” of changing yourself or growing yourself to a new level of consciousness or higher vibration is that often our old friends and our families don’t come along for the ride. We end up leaving them behind energetically. Understand that that is a natural progression and although it is sad at first, you will be making room for many, many more friends that WILL support you and see your VISION for your grand future. See if you can work on being OK with “losing” your old friends because they no longer serve you and vice versa. Eventually, you just don’t keep in touch as much. It is a natural and not necessarily violent transition. The FORM of your relationship just changes.

You are the one that needs to let go of their approval and their attention. Once you are no longer attached to your friends being your only friends any more and are open to newer friends who you resonate with, you will find a world of loving support waiting for you.


Dr. Karen Kan

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