Archive | January, 2009

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Dear Dr. Karen: Help! I Am Attracted to A Man Who’s 20 Years Younger

Posted on 22 January 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen:


I seem to have developed an attraction for my 23 year old neighbor since he has relocated to  this area. Outside of me being a 44 years old female we have a great deal in common and enjoy each others company greatly .


There are times when the attraction is overwhelming and confusing. I certainly value his friendship and would rather continue at the same pace rather than inject  sex and jepordize the friendship. I just need to get past the attraction.  Can you help?


Thank You,



Dear Lisa,


…and the problem is????


Are you implying that you are too “old” to date a 23-year old man? or that he is too “young” to date a 44-year old woman? or that somehow, you aren’t “supposed” to have sexual attraction to someone “so much younger” than you?


Where did you get those ideas?


Is it really true that people that are very connected in a romantic way must be a certain age apart from one another? Is there a rule in your head that says, “relationships can’t work between myself and a younger man”?


I’m probably going to get in trouble for my answer, because many people out there have preconceived ideas of what the “perfect” love relationship has to look like. You can have preferences for sure, but was age a criteria on your “laundry list” of desires for your dream partner (see Creating Your Fairytale Love Life eBook).


Good news is, you haven’t told me that he is immature or irresponsible for a 23-year old. You haven’t told me that you mother him and you feel a co-dependent relationship developing. You haven’t told me that’s raking you for all the money you have.


So let me as you this: is the sexual attraction mutual?


And if it is, doesn’t it feel wonderful to be desirable (at age 44), to an attractive young man with whom you feel a strong connection? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the feelings of desire and here you are trying to get rid of it. I’m not telling you to knock on his door and jump in bed with him pronto, but what I am saying is to be OPEN to all possibilities.


In other words, what would you do if you didn’t have the notion or belief that dating a younger man would be “bad” or “unwise”?


To be honest, I had preconceived ideas about my dream partner, James, too when we first met. He looked so young at the park where we first met. He had a cut-off T-shirt on showing off his muscular shoulders, a partially-shaved head, and baggy jeans (like the ones skateboarders wear). I thought he was twenty five at the most, almost fifteen years my junior. And when he first spoke, I convinced myself from his innocence that he was even younger.


When I told him I admired his smile, I was not thinking AT ALL about him being a potential partner, let alone my dream skating/love partner. “Too young”, I thought immediately. When he told me shyly that he had always been attracted to Asian women and that he’d like it if I gave him a call later, I told him bluntly,


“Do you realize how old I am?”


“Uh, no. How old are you?”, he asked


“I’m almost 40” I answered impressively, waiting for a disappointed expression to appear on his face (it never did).  


Instead, he looked up hopefully and said,


“Well, I’m 32!” (he lied – he was months away from turning 32)


My girlfriend with whom I was with at the time, turned to me, giggled and said,


“Obviously the age difference doesn’t matter to him!”


And even though we turned out to be only six or so years apart, it took another friend to point out that I was being biased about his age and in her estimation, I needed a younger man because I had “young energy”. I thought about what she said and decided to become present to who James really was, not who I thought he must be based on what was was written on his birth certificate.


The rest is history.


I know, I know. You’re twenty years older, not just six. Guess what? They are just numbers! What you really want to be asking is, “are the feelings mutual?” and if so how do you both wish to proceed?


Do you realize that in some ancient cultures (OK, I’m going to get in trouble for printing this too…oh well!), older women were responsible for teaching the younger men in the community how to make love so that they would be good lovers for their future brides. Again, I’m not telling you that you should both immediately jump in the sack…


What I am suggesting, though, is to decide whether you wish to pursue a different form of romantic and/or sexual relationship just to discover more about yourself and each other…for you to experience the possibilities beyond what your biases and beliefs have told you.


Or not.


The important thing is this: if you want a mature relationship, you need to be intentional about it. You need to sit back and really get clear on what you are wanting from this relationship. If you are wanting to experience intense sexual passion and attraction, that’s one thing (and that’s perfectly fine). If you are wanting a long-term monogamous relationship ending in a ring and two kids down the road, that’s another.


If you two are really connected on a deeper level, you will be able to broach the topic of your attraction without fear of alienation or the loss of face or loss of friendship. Know what I mean? REAL friends tell the truth about how they feel and trust the other person can handle the truth.


Don’t be afraid about rejection. You are beautiful. You are strong. On the other hand, lavish in the attraction if it is indeed mutual. We are all ONE anyway. We just have taken different physical forms. You don’t necessarily have to make it sexual – you can actually exchange sexual energy without having sex. Even eating can be a sensual energy enlivened with sexual energy. Sexual energy can charge up your day and make you feel wonderful. So use it wisely.


Listen to your heart (not necessarily your head). You may also ask yourself, what would I regret more? You know the saying, “it is better to have loved and lost (and I would add LIVED and lost), rather than never loved (or LIVED) at all.”


Hope that helps.



Dr. Karen Kan

P.S. if you really need some help with how to broach the topic of your attraction, I can help you with that with a private coaching session. It’s too much to write it all here.

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Dear Dr. Karen: My Husband Has Had Two Flings and I’m Hurting!

Posted on 17 January 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen:

My husband has had 2 flings since we have been married which is only 3 years and both of these women he had dated before we met. He said they meant nothing and can we move on from it but one of them had a child for him, (she was pregnant when he met me but said she meant nothing to him), apparently he told her he had met someone he wanted to marry, me, and they split up, obviously they were still dating and she got pregnant thinking he would not marry me, she them turned up a couple of months later saying he was the father, he told her to get lost and did not see her or the child until it was 13 months old, this was a shock to him, he thinks the child looks like him, so he has accepted that it is his.

The flings were a year ago just after he had re-met her and the baby, the other girl was also a previous girlfriend. So why did this happen? It hurts me to think of it.  I know I should put it out of my mind but I do not seem to be able to  have the right affirmation in my head to do this. I just keep saying over and over if you did not care for them before and ended it to be with me because you love me and wanted to marry me, why did you then go back and sleep with them again? he says he wanted to make sure!!

Please help me sort it out in my head, at the moment I do not feel very trusting with him and would like to regain my sanity again. He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, why cant I just accept this and move on – why is it all still painful?


Dear Jane,

Of course you feel pain still, because on some level your relationship issues with your husband have not resolved. You don’t trust him. I don’t blame you. It is very difficult to trust your lover once an affair has happened…or two for that matter.

But let me have you change your perspective for a moment. Pretend you are the other woman. Pretend it is you who had the baby and your husband rejected you…dumped you for another woman. How would you feel? How would you feel knowing that he didn’t want anything to do with you or the baby? That he didn’t intend on supporting you? That hurts too doesn’t it?

One thing that you may wish to understand is that men (and I’m generalizing here) can more easily separate the act of sex from actual heart-based connection. In other words, when women have sex, their heart is almost always involved. When men have sex, it doesn’t have to be.

It could very well be true that these women “meant nothing” to your husband. But personally, I find that kind of scary and disturbing. How would you like to “mean nothing” to someone after they’ve had sex with you or been dating you for some time? It would feel kind of rotten to most women, would you agree? My preference is to be with someone who values another life. It’s not about who’s better and it’s not about competing with other women. We are all ONE. If they are less in your eyes because they had the affair, then you are literally lessening yourself and eroding yourself. See if you can see them all with eyes of compassion. And most of all, be compassionate with yourself.

You can’t change your husband. He’s probably too scared to tell you the truth, whatever that truth is (he probably doesn’t even know on a conscious level). It could be that having one sexual partner in his lifetime is unbearable but he’s trying to conform to the “norm” in our society. Or it could be that if he had it his way, he’d have three wonderful lovers that all got along. You can’t change your husband. You can only change your own reaction.

Your affirmation could very well be, “I live a peaceful, loving and connected relationship with my husband” or “I trust my husband”. And according to John Kehoe, Godfather of the law of attraction, you don’t have to actually believe in your affirmations. By forcing yourself to, you may actually nullify it’s beneficial effects.

Tell your husband daily what you appreciate about him. Reward him whenever he supports you in a loving way. If you wish to stay with him, then learn to trust him, or at least get clear with him on what his needs really are and what your needs really are. Clarity may mean telling him that you trust him and that you really feel best in a monogamous relationship. If that changes for him in the future, then you’d appreciate him telling you the truth, in which case you will do X. (eg. ask him to move out)

You can only change your reaction. A read once about a woman who was married to an alcoholic man. He was enraged whenever he drank and he became violent. She kept protecting him, forgiving him and rescuing him, until she could go on any longer. She went to Al-Anon, an organization to support caregivers of alcoholics and drug addicted people. After getting support for months, she was brave enough to tell him that she loved him, that she wanted to stay married to him, but that she couldn’t accept the alcoholism anymore and she moved out.

He tried to win her back. But she persisted. It was hard for her to do. But he finally decided that his relationship was more important than the alcohol, so he went to Alcoholics Anonymous. It wasn’t until months went by (and he was sober) that she moved back in with him.

She helped him the most by gently and compassionately telling him her boundaries and the consequences for overstepping them. It was his choice after that.

You may be in a similar situation.

I feel for you. Get some counseling yourself. You need the support. Don’t wait for your husband to get it. He doesn’t need it. You do. You’re the one in pain.


Dr. Karen Kan

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Dear Dr. Karen: I’m Attracted to a Married Man in a Troubled Marriage

Posted on 17 January 2009 by Dr. Karen

Hi Dr. Karen


I am hoping that you would have the time to give me some of your insight on the situation I am struggling with.  Also, I am hoping you could answer this on your Blog on your site.


I met a man about three months ago whom was working on the boiler in my condominium building.  Whenever I would come and go we would chat more and more. Clearly we made a strong physical/emotional and spiritual connection. He made it clear how pretty he thought I was, and so fun with a great personality. He said that if his marriage didn’t work out he would be pounding on my door! It came out that he was married and having marital problems. He said ever since the kids moved out 2 years ago there has been no connection with his wife, and the kids were their connection. She has gained a lot of weight and unwilling to lose it. 

They can’t seem to agree on much, and she never goes with him out East to visit his relatives, even though they are fond of her and vice versa. I asked him if he loved her, and he could not answer the question, except to say, well she was going to give me her kidney two years ago.(he got a kidney transplant from a different donor though) He stated they both are praying, wondering if they should be together.


We ended up talking one day for over 2 hours in the boiler room after he finished his work.  We both stated are attraction for one another, and how things just seem to flow. How we would both miss this and wished there was more work for him to do in my building.  He told me how he really likes talking to me.

How it ended was his telling me that he always thought that you just live your lives, and whatever God’s will is. I asked him if he had ever had an affair and he said no, and he is a Christian, and that is not a Christian thing to do, and believes that what you give out comes back at you.


I gave him a affirmation sheet about the silence power of prayer. It contained different life struggles in it and how to use prayer to help. I also included a handwritten note.  In the note I told him that after you have prayed however long you need to, and have looked at all the options, and if you still don’t feel good about it , maybe it’s best to just make a decision that is “right for you”. I told him I only say this because I have been there, and had to do this myself, and it is not an easy thing for me to face my fears!  I also told him that everyone deserves to be happy- whatever that means to them, and he is not responsible for someone else’s feelings-happiness, nor does he owe it to them. I said that whatever happens, remember, it’s always for the best, and to not be so hard on himself. I said if your situation changes or you need to talk-call me.


That was six weeks ago and I have not heard from him, or received a thank-you.  (He really does not have to thank me though). But I am wondering what he thought about the affirmation sheet and note I gave him.  I really feel that we connected on many levels and he possibly could be my soul-mate. I am so struggling in trying to let go of this attachment to him. I think of him daily and I hope that some day he contacts me!


Thanks in advance for your help!


Dear Kelley,


Can I be blunt with you? I think you know me well enough to know that I care how you feel, right? OK?


So I’m going to be your coach right now. See if you can stay open. Sound good?


OK, what you’ve described is VERY similar to something I went through a few years ago. I can almost feel what you are feeling (although no one can prove or disprove that). My sense is this: people are very different when they are attached to someone and when they are “free”. Whether his wife is fat or whether she’d unwilling to lose it has nothing to do with whether you belong in this man’s life as a romantic partner. He doesn’t have it in him to give you what you want. He’s made that LOUD and CLEAR by his inaction.


You’re trying to be his friend, his counselor and you are expecting him to reciprocate or at least appreciate you. He cannot. Why? Well, it isn’t because he isn’t a good person. I believe all of us has a core of pure light…It is because you are projecting what you want to see in this person instead of what he can truly give you.


You’ve caught onto his needy signals and the rescuer in you is in full form. Remind yourself of all the other times you stepped into rescuer mode. Feels good at the beginning. You feel like you are contributing to someone’s life…making a difference. Only problem is, they really didn’t ask you to rescue them AND by trying to rescue them, you actually dis-empower them to create their own solution. Your intentions are good, however, they are not without attachment.


Believe me, I struggle with this weekly with James. It has been quite a practice for me to give him space to make “mistakes” and not rescue him and do things for him that he could otherwise learn to do himself.


The habit you are displaying is unfortunately not a healthy one, for a sustainable relationship. How do I know? Check in on how you feel. Do you feel a little used? It’s not that he meant to use you, no. It’s just that you chose a person that didn’t have the capacity to give you what you truly want! It’s not a win-win. You gave. You didn’t receive back.


Where else has that played itself out in your life? Think hard…


Here’s the rub. He is unlikely your soul-mate. Your dream partner (the term I like to use instead) is one that is completely available to you and attentive to your needs. Isn’t that what you would want in your ideal relationship? So in order to attract that, you really do need to let this one go. The attraction you both feel is just energy. It doesn’t mean that person is your soul-mate.


Look back on your laundry list (if you’ve read Creating Your Fairytale Love Life). See how many characteristics match up. If it doesn’t match up at least 99%, then either your list was “wrong” or this relationship is just “practice” for you to learn something about yourself.


You don’t have to settle for less. Don’t get messed up in this man’s problems or his wife’s relationship. Don’t play the role of counselor or helper. In fact, in your case, run the other way! Know that every time you feel that feeling of wanting to rescue, hold your tongue…and let the other person find their own way. Unless you have NO VESTED interest in the outcome of his relationship woes AND you are a trained coach or counselor AND he has come to you for professional help, stay out of his personal life.


One of my friends who I fell madly in love with years before I met James was very wise when I told him how I felt about him (while I was still married). He said to me that he had experienced a very painful relationship with a married woman once before and wasn’t going to repeat that trauma. Instead, he told me that although he had feelings for me, nothing romantic was going to happen between us.


Then he told me that if one day we were both “free” and single, then he would reconsider our relationship. I was absolutely devastated at the time. I thought he loved me back. But some part of me knew he was very wise for drawing the boundary line. I didn’t speak or communicate to him for 10 months. It was a very painful 10 months for both of us, but I needed the space. My heart was broken and I cried myself to sleep some nights in silence next to my husband.


After my husband and I separated, I finally wrote him a thank you letter, telling him how much I appreciated his wisdom. A few months later, we got together. We had both grown. We knew then that we’d just be friends. And we remain friends to this day, each with our own dream partners.


There are good reasons why it is in your best interest to stay away from otherwise unavailable men, Kelley. It may seem depressing for me to say this to you, but I’m sharing my story with you so that you can feel my genuine desire for you to ask for the world and not settle for less.


The law of attraction states that like attracts like. You want to give the Universe a CLEAR signal of what it is you want, not what you don’t want. Don’t settle. It’s a test.


Kelley, you are AWESOME and you deserve the best!



Dr. Karen Kan


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Dear Dr. Karen: Do I Need to Go to Singles Events? I Can’t Stand Them!

Posted on 16 January 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen

Do I need to go to singles’ events? I really can’t stand them! They are full of desperate needy people. Onlne dating is just as bad and I find it very hard to know what someone is like just by looking at a pictere and reading a description. And if I start to email them they think we are going out and won’t leave me alone! I already do things where I met lots of people in a more natural way. Is this enough?


Dear Bekah,

Know this: When you are harnessing the law of attraction to manifest your dream partner, there are no rules on what you must do. I other words, if singles events and online dating don’t appeal to you, don’t worry. The Universe can be creative to meet you where you are.

For example, The Universe gives us feedback in the form of synchronicities. If you are a person who likes reading books, the Universe will attract a book to you that will have the message you need. If you never read books, but watch television 24/7, then the Universe will use that media to contact you. We are getting feedback constantly! But most of us don’t know how to be ready to “hear” or “see” the messages that come.

As for your personal experience with singles event….just so you know, I’ve never attended a single one. Don’t even know what they are like. But I know that if I got interested in one at some point in the future, I can rest assured that I would learn and grow from it.

Same goes for online dating. Online dating works. It doesn’t work for everyone, but it certainly won’t work for you so long as you have negative thoughts about it. If you assume that all people who are doing online dating are predatory, then you will experience just that…being prey. It is the law of attraction. What you think manifests, especially when you have a lot of energy behind it.

Read your letter to me again. Can’t you just FEEL your disgust? Yes, it is this energy that attracts more unwanted “singles” situations to you.

My advice to you would be to see if you can remain OPEN that singles events and online dating are fabulous sources for meeting a partner, and that maybe they just don’t resonate with you right now. Know that they work for others. And they won’t work for you as long as you are negative about them.

That being said, I still reiterate that there are plenty of opportunities out there to manifest your dream partner without forcing yourself to do singles events and online dating because you’ve been told you should.

Do what you love! That will keep your vibration positive and will help attract your dream partner.


Dr. Karen Kan

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Dear Dr. Karen: What Makes Someone Break Up With Who They’re With?

Posted on 16 January 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen

What makes a girl move to a different boy from an existing relationship?


Dear N.P.

Let’s imagine that that someone is you who just got “dumped” as we say in North America. Your girlfriend just decided she didn’t want to be with you any longer. It hurts, right?

Well, first of all, know that you didn’t do anything wrong. It doesn’t mean that the relationship couldn’t have been better and that you didn’t have anything to do with the separation, but it doesn’t mean it is entirely “your fault”.

What it DOES mean, is that she is no longer resonating with you. She doesn’t feel connected to you any longer or as much as she needs to in order to stay your girlfriend. Sometimes that change in resonance occurs because two people cease to be each other’s teacher and need to thus move on. In other words, you were there to help her grown in some way and now your job is “done” and she needs to move on in order to continue growing.

Sometimes that change in resonance occurs because one person has grown in a different direction and they no longer see eye to eye. Of course, we make up all sorts of “reasons” why we split up, but there simply isn’t one answer. Break-ups may be difficult or challenging, and at the same time, are a wonderful opportunity to learn more about what you want and what you need.

When my ex-husband and I broke up, it was because I had gone through a deep spiritual growth through my illness. I no longer saw my life as an disconnected series of random events. I found that my life had purpose and the spiritual growth I experienced seemed incomprehensible to my husband at the time. He just couldn’t understand why I loved to meditate, practice yoga, and go on personal growth retreats.

After we separated, he began to explore his own spiritual path. Until we did, he resisted it. But somehow the separation changed the way he thought. Now he has a spiritual practice that he never would have had if we had struggled to stay together in a relationship that wasn’t growing or thriving any longer.

And I bless him on his path…especially because we just found out his younger sister died unexpectedly last week. Can you imagine how much more painful that would be if he didn’t have some sort of spiritual path?

So don’t take breaking up personally even though it feels personal. It is just another stepping stone to knowing and loving yourself better. Be compassionate to yourself. Forgive yourself and the other person. When you can, bless them on their way and thank them for being there during an important part of your development. Part ways with respect and love.


Dr. Karen

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Our Christmas “Personal Growth” Experience With the Parents

Posted on 11 January 2009 by Dr. Karen

Well, my dream partner James and I had a very interesting and amazing experience visiting his family over the Christmas holidays. He was prepared for some “personal growth” and I was there to support him. There were some challenging times, like the times where he was treated like he was as a child (tough for all of us when we go back to our childhood “homes”) and at the same time, it was a wonderful way to experience how we’ve all changed.

In fact, there was a moment when his parents said to him (in an unapproving way, I suppose), “James, you’ve changed!” Gone are the days where James would be afraid to speak his mind. And James answered, “Yes, I have changed. And I like how I’ve changed!”

Interesting how our old childhood patterns of relating to our parents always seem to repeat themselves UNTIL one party decides to change the system. We call it “chaos”. Or at least temporary chaos. Cool thing is…chaos settles down after a time into a new order. And we got to see a new found respect growing between mature adults.

So why am I telling you all this?

Well, I’m treating you like family. I want to let you in on how things REALLY are instead of the fantasy world you may project upon me or others. Family dynamics can be very challenging, and if you are willing to be PRESENT and OPEN to miracles happening by changing how you see your parents, you’ll suddenly notice that they’ve changed how they perceive you. And get this…if you can heal your relationships with your family as a single person, it will GREATLY enhance your ability to heal any relationship in the future, including manifesting your dream partner.

Like the time when James was rather frustrated that his father wouldn’t let him drive the 1974 Corvette Stingray he had promised him. His father generously gave his car to James and showed it to him over Christmas. It was his intention that James move it to where we live some time in the summer. But it was Christmas and James was VERY attached to driving it THEN, not later.

His father woudn’t budge. “No, you can’t drive it now. You can drive it later when you have the car moved to NY.” James was infuriated at the time. He felt his father was being unreasonable and controlling. There was absolutely no logical reason why he couldn’t let James just try out the car…even for a few minutes!

James was enlightened enough to know he had to leave the house and “process” his frustration. So the two of us went for a walk and he asked me for guidance. I gave him a lot of credit to be aware enough to know he needed someone to give him an objective perspective.

This is what I shared with him. “James, I understand your frustration. You can’t understand why your dad won’t let you drive the car and you feel it is his way of controlling you, right?”

“Yes, that’s right”, James answered.

“Well, let me share with you what I just read in Pema Chodren’s book, The Places that Scare You. Pema said that it is those moments of frustration and trouble that are the golden moments of our enlightenment and growth. So USE this situation to your advantage. Use the tools you have been taught. From the way I see things, The Universe is giving you a message and here is it:

“James, the feeling you are feeling right now is a RED FLAG that you are feeling ATTACHED to the outcome. You are attached to driving that car before you leave and go back home to NY. Feel that feeling and understand that it will teach you when you are no longer on your PATH.”

James looked up at me. He understood completely what I was saying. He had gotten ATTACHED to the outcome. He knows that he cannot manifest what he wants when he is attached. Immediately he began feeling the uncomfortable feelings in his body so he could memorize what it felt like to be attached. It wasn’t pleasant. Now he knows that whenever he feels those feelings again, it will be his RED FLAG that he isn’t on his PATH (the one he intended).

We talked a little bit more, walked a little and by the time we went back to his father’s house, James was at total peace with not having the opportunity to drive that car during this little visit to his parents. He was totally “OK” with not having his way. He was at peace.

As we entered the house, his father was there to great us. The first thing he said was, “Do you really want to drive that car?” and James answered excitedly, “Sure!”. And his dad gave him the keys, right then and there…

As James’s astonished and happy face turned to see my reaction, I just winked and said, (of at“See what miracles happen when you let go?” The Universe was now giving him the message: “Ya done good kid!”

Can you apply this to YOUR life?

Ask yourself: Where am I not at peace? where do I need to let go to have peace? what outcome am I attached to? where do I feel tension in my life?

See if you can feel the difference in your body when you feel attached and when you don’t. That’s the key.

So that’s my teaching story for this month. For those of you who have written in letters, I’ll be answering quite a few on Monday’s Blog Talk Radio Show at 12 noon EST U.S. You can call me live during the show at 1-347-945-6313 to ask a question or just tune into

I’m sorry I can’t answer everyone’s question right away and if I haven’t answered yours and it has been while, it could very well be that I’ve written the answer several times already on my blog or on the radio show. I do my best not to repeat myself too many times so that others will have a chance to get their question answered. I hope you understand.


Dr. Karen

P.S. James was kind enough to give me permission to tell his story for the purposes of teaching, so send him a virtual hug for that generosity!

P.P.S. I’m extending the special for the Law of Attraction Intensive Home Study Course so you still get the bonuses if you purchase the course soon! Enjoy!

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Dear Dr. Karen: Can the Law of Attraction Help Me Manifest a Gorgeous Man?

Posted on 06 January 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,



I really need some advice with manifesting a husband. Is it unrealistic to ask for him to look like a guy I work with? The key is that I need a man whom I find very attractive physically.  I am just not sure how to visualise the good looks without needing to use this guy as a blueprint. 

Basically, If I get a man who does look just like him i.e. gorgeous, I will be very happy, but I am open to having someone just as gorgeous but in a different way. How should I incorporate this into my visualisation? I can’t simply say “I want a man with brown eyes and dark hair.” I need to find him attractive-there are millions of men out there with brown hair and eyes whom I do not attractive. Is it better to use him as a blueprint so that my visualisations will be specific, or am I limiting myself?


Can I say “I would like him to look like this guy but I would be happy with someone just as gorgeous who doesnt look exactly like him” but then use him as a blueprint just so I have something concrete to focus on. If I do this, how precise will my results be? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!


Thanks, Bekah


Dear Bekah,


Great question. I’m glad you asked. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to manifest a gorgeous partner! I certainly asked for (and received) exactly that!


My answer is this: you can use the energy (the feeling) of how attracted you are with this co-worker to help invoke the law of attraction to co-create your dream partner. You are correct in saying that “I want someone with dark hair and brown eyes” may not be specific enough.


So this is what you do: simply write down, “My dream partner is gorgeous, with dark hair and brown eyes”. This statement is simple and yet encompasses your desires. The Universe already knows what you find attractive so you don’t actually have to spell it out. On the other hand, sometimes people err on the side of vagueness so I appreciate your desire to be specific.


If you read the testimonial by Suzanne on my home page, you’ll learn that she cut out a photo of a dashing professor and pasted it onto her vision board, knowing full well that she had no intention of actually manifesting HIM as her ideal partner. In the end, she manifested another man, a professor as well, who looked very much like the one she admired.


So go ahead and use your attraction to get CLEAR on what kind of attractive partner you really want to manifest.


Oh, there is one thing I need to add. You need to feel AS attractive about yourself as you do to him. Like attracts like – that’s the law of attraction. So learn to love and admire yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. Then, it will be a snap!



Dr. Karen Kan

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Dear Dr. Karen: The Law of Attraction Worked for Everything In My Life Except Love…Why?

Posted on 06 January 2009 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen,


I have been reading about the Law of Attraction for over three years. I have been using techniques from Brian Tracy, Jack Canfield etc. Im very successful as a lawyer, I have my dream house, my dream job and the greatest friends ever. I look great, I work out a lot and Im told to be very attractive. STILL, I have been single for over six years and what ever I do or I don’t do, I don’t seem to be able to attract my dream partner – or a partner at all, he he. I cant figure out what Im doing wrong. I love my life, but I’m 38 years old and I long for a partner for a lifetime and to have a family. Why is the law of attraction not working in my love life but in all other areas in my life?…I love your homepage, thank you for all the free stuff. Best regards from Iceland.




Dear Linda,


You’re welcome! Thank you for writing. First of all let’s celebrate your successes! You have your dream home, your dream job and amazing friends. Whoo hoo!!


So why am I focusing on celebrating first?


Because the Universe responds to what we are grateful for AND what we celebrate, we get more of! In your case, I think you’re well on your way to manifesting your dream partner. Yes, it is taking longer than you would like, but let me ask you this:


Have you spent as much time learning from relationship experts and gurus as much as you have from your other “success” mentors and gurus? Just wondering. Energy flows where you attention goes. So how much energy have you put into examining your relationships (including relationships with self, with parents, with former significant others etc.) and how much energy have you put into learning MORE about being more present in relationships, how to communicate more effectively, how to resolve conflict and differences when they inevitably come up?


If you have spent lots of time studying the relationship arena, then hearty congrats! If not, then I would direct your already open mind to learning “new” skills in the area of relationships. Not because there is anything wrong with you, but because you will be showing yourself and the Universe that you really mean business! You’ll do whatever it takes to manifest your dream!


My sense is that you are very close to manifesting your dream partner. Even James Arthur Ray, an esteemed teacher from the movie The Secret, mentions in his book Harmonic Wealth, that he hasn’t manifested his ideal partner yet….but he is confident he will.


The timing of the Universe is impeccable. The moment you almost “give up” (let go of attachment that is), is the moment where you’ll be pleasantly surprised!


Keep going. You’re on the right track.



Dr. Karen Kan

P.S. you may also benefit from private coaching. The last two single people who I privately coached for only three session both manifested their partners very quickly…




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