| Dear Dr. Karen Kan: There is this “friend” of mine that I have been involved with for several years. I have had several other relationships but still seem to think I’m in love with him. He is kind and helpful, but has a live-in girlfriend and I can’t really say he is available. We had a couple of nights together but then that was it. He is nice and he is friendly. I guess he isn’t interested. His girlfriend is jealous and I am confused. He won’t marry his girlfriend and he won’t get rid of her so we can have a relationship. Is he a player or am I?
Lynn Dear Lynn, It doesn’t really matter whether we use the label “player” or not. What matters is what YOU want in your love life. It sounds to me that you can’t help but be attracted to someone who is unavailable and, if I may say so, not strong enough to tell the truth (not that I’m saying he should). I’m not sure why his girlfiend’s jealousy has anything to do with your confusion. Just because she is jealous does not necessarily mean that you are more important in the eyes this man. Women are fairly intuitive and she probably knows he is “fooling around” behind her back. Yet, she is probably too scared to do anything about it. In my experience, it is highly unlikely that this man will either marry his girlfriend (unless she gives him an ultimatum) or dump her. He has the best of both worlds. He gets to be in a “secure” relationship and still fool around. What if you knew he had affairs with other women besides yourself. Would that matter to you? Have you asked him about leaving his girlfriend? I bet you his answer would be a solid “no”. Why? Because although he thoroughly enjoyed your connection, he doesn’t want it enough to give up what he already has with his girlfriend. You just made it easy for him to get the best of both worlds. Alas, your heart is still stuck on him. I don’t blame you. I sense that he is very charming. He may be less than charming if he were your primary relationship. It’s just the way it is sometimes. So do you really think that if he dumped his girlfriend and went out with you that he would be faithful to you? Not likely. His faithfulness has nothing to do with the woman he’s with and has everything to do with a habit he has learned and has been ingrained in his psyche for many many years. It’s not that he is a bad person. Not at all! He just has a habit of not being totally committed….or at least has a habit of not being able to be truthful to what he really wants (multiple romantic or sexual partners). If you want a monogamous relationship, then you will need to look elsewhere and let go of this relationship as soon as possible. Monogamy isn’t his style and it isn’t up to you to change him. He has to want to change. And why should he? He may be completely happy where he is at. Or at least he wants to stay in his comfort zone. Why do you think you’ve attracted someone who is unavailable? That is the million dollar question! There is a good reason for it…you have to investigate how it resonates with your past relationship patterns. Who was unavailable to you in your childhood? How were your relationships split when you were young? When you discover WHY you have this pattern, then you can manifest a better partner who will fulfill what you consciously want in a love partner. It could very well be that YOU are the one who is scared in committing and thus tend to unconsciously gravitate toward partners who are unavailable! Think about that one! Lynn, the bottom line is that you know deep down that this relationship is not serving you and your happiness. Don’t expect the other person to change. Let go of it so the Universe can bring someone better suited to what you want. To change takes courage. I wish you lots of it. Blessings, Dr. Karen Kan |
