I am married and have a 3 year old boy. things were going badly in my marriage for quite some time now, but I have always tried to fix everything. A few months ago, I fell in love with one of my colleagues..someone very special with whom I can be myself. It feels like we were meant to be together – the energy flows between us. I am lost now, feeling guilty towards my husband (who doesn’t know) and towards my son (who will suffer from any potential decisions I will make). Help me please! Nathalie

Dear Nathalie,

I can imagine your pain Nathalie, especially as the feelings of guilt can be very strong in situations such as yours. Have you ever had judgments about other people’s infidelities? I can truthfully tell you that I did. When I got married, I had no idea how anyone could have an affair outside of marriage. I was extremely judgmental of anyone who couldn’t be “truthful” in their relationships.

So the Universe brought me to a place where I could learn a lesson.

What happened with me is that I fell in love with a colleague who I met at a conference and couldn’t stop thinking about him while I was still married to my husband. It took me a long time to finally tell my husband that I had feelings for another man. He suspected it and even met the guy once. You know what my husband said? He said, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I would have appreciated the truth sooner.”

But you know, when I experienced myself how difficult it was to tell the truth, I finally understood why other people “cheated” on their partners. Although I didn’t physically “cheat” on my husband, the energy was definitely there…it’s the same thing. So now I have less judgment when it comes to people who are in situations such as yours.

I appreciate that you don’t want to hurt your three year old child. The truth is that you are doing the best you can and you need to release the guilt. It is a non-supportive emotion, a non-supportive energy. Your intentions are not to hurt your husband or your child, right? Will they possibly be emotionally hurt from you telling the truth? Possibly, yes. Is it your responsibility to prevent hurt in others. No, it is not. You are not literally responsible for another’s feelings, yet you can be understanding and compassionate around them.

Here’s the thing – your child will one day experience hurt. And you will not be able to prevent it. Getting “hurt” is an inevitable part of growing up. At three, your child will probably be less “hurt” over your situation than if he were older (at least consciously). What you can do is model the behavior you’d like for your child.

Would you like your child to have happy loving relationships as an adult? Of course you would.

Would you like your child to be supportive and compassionate with others? Of course you would.

So model those things for your child.

I encourage you to tell the truth when you are ready. Why? Because the secret eats at you from the inside and it is very unhealthy. Allow your partner to have his reaction, negative or not. Allow your child to have reactions (if any) and just know that you can still hold the space of loving intention despite their reactions. It is not an easy practice, but it can be very healing. Stay away from being defensive. Just state your truth…and your truth is how you feel.

Think of it this way. Keeping the secret is “selfish”. The reason you keep the secret is not only because you don’t want your husband and son to hurt, it is also because you do not want to deal with the negative reaction you may receive once you reveal the truth. You are not alone in this. Everyone I know has told a lie at least once in their life. As children, we tell lies in order to save ourselves from punishment.

So understanding this, would you be willing to be courageous (not only for yourself but for your son)? The colleague you are with may or may not be the partner you will end up with in the long run. Partnerships that arise from clandestine relationships do not always last the way we wish they would. But don’t worry about that at this point.

You are responsible for your joy and peace primarily. If you do not take responsibility for it, then you will teach your son not to take responsibility for his happiness either.

You know the saying, The Truth Shall Set You Free. And it is so true in terms of Energy. Your energy is restricted so long as you keep the truth from surfacing.

I wish you the best during this challenging transition. I know you can find the strength.

Dr. Karen