Archive | August, 2008

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Dear Dr. Karen: Betrayal – “He Tried to Date My Daughter!”

Posted on 24 August 2008 by Dr. Karen

Dr. Karen Kan,

I wonder if you can help me with this. I know everyone is telling me concentrate on myself, he not worth it etc but its not helping. 

I have a very good male friend, and although we used to have a romantic relationship it didn’t work out, and it turned into a very good friendship.  Then I went away to a detox monastery in Thailand to get off tranquilizers etc. and I am now facing the world after 25 years without drugs in my system. 

When I came back, I learned from my best friend that this man came onto my step daughter, both of whom are in their 20’s.  He told her that I need not know about it.  She had no interest in him.  I doesn’t bother me if he dates other women since we are not romantically involved, but I am coping with the pain of his betrayal of trying to get it on with my daughter. 

I have blanked him from my life and I am left with a huge gap and quite heart broken that he would do this to me. I can cope with not having him in my life anymore but I am so sensitive and take things so personally, what I am not coping with are my feelings of how little he must of thought of me.  I have been so positive and have changed so much of my life recently, this setback is tearing me apart.  Please if you have any tools on how to cope, I need help. 

Audrey

Dear Audrey,

It sounds very painful what you are going through. I hope what I am about to tell you will be helpful. Are you willing to be open? Are you willing to be open to letting go of the pain? If your answer is yes, then read on…

Understand that everything that happens in our lives are actually “neutral” events (in the Universe). It is only when we place judgment on what happens do we call it “bad” or “good”. If you’ve been reading any of my other posts, you will often note that I almost always put the words, “bad” or “good” in quotation marks. Why? Because I want you to note that “bad” or “good” is not a TRUTH.

Let me give you an example. If one of your friends suddenly died, you’d feel sad probably, right? And more than likely, we’d consider this event a “bad” event. But in the grand scheme of things, no one but us humans judge it as “bad”. The rest of the Universe is neutral.

Now, back to you.

The reason for your pain is that you have judgments about what you feel should or should not happen in your life. Your thinking goes like this: “he shouldn’t have come onto my daughter” or “he must not respect or love me if he came onto my daughter” or “it was improper and inappropriate for him, my good friend, to try to court my daughter…especially without my permission or knowledge” or “he should have told me the truth, that scoundrel!” etc.

Is your mind saying some of these statements to you?

I wouldn’t blame you if your mind did. Mine would, at least if I let it go on automatic pilot!

But you have a choice. You can remain attached to your thinking and justifications and continue to feel pain OR you can make up a different story that serves you (or makes you feel better). None of your judgments or assumptions are TRUE. You can’t prove them to be true. In fact, nothing is really “true” or “real” for that matter, because we are all just made up of energy. Our perceptions distort this real truth because we see the world through our own unique eyes. In other words, as the law of attraction states, we “create” our reality.

So let me give you another perception to try on. You don’t have to buy it or believe it. Just try it on and see how it feels. See if it feels better at all than what you perceive.

So this man was romantically attracted to your daughter, right? In your mind, you’ve decided that he was wrong to pursue her. In your mind, he was betraying you because he courted her. Can you conceive that it is possible that in pursuing your daughter, that he was in no way TRYING to hurt or betray you? The only way he could betray you is if you and he had an explicit contract or agreement that he would NOT romantically pursue any of your family members. And even then, he has the perogative to change his mind.

Why don’t you assume that he wasn’t meaning to hurt you? He may have been scared of your reaction, but obviously that fear did not prevent him from pursuing the object of his attraction. If I were you, I would be less concerned that he would pursue your family member and more concerned that he told her not to tell you. The latter is a red flag that your friendship is not as authentic or as close as you would have imagined…or it could just be that he’s too scared. He respects you enough to be scared. Think of it that way.

Let me ask you a question. Have you EVER done anything that you regretted later? Have you ever kept something from someone because you were too scared how they’d react? maybe you were trying to protect them from feeling bad? Have you ever done something that wasn’t meant to hurt someone and yet they chose to feel hurt nonetheless? Most of us would have answered YES to one or more of the questions above. We are human. We make mistakes.

Are you willing to forgive your friend for whatever mistakes you think he made?

So again, you have a choice. You can choose to drop your story that he should have done this or shouldn’t have done that and just accept WHAT IS. Or you can remain attached to your story and suffer the consequences (including a lost friend). What’s your choice?

For further study, I highly recommend the Audio book, Loving What Is, by Byron Katie. You can find it at the Law of Attraction in Love bookstore and you can download the accompanying worksheet at www.thework.com

Audrey, for your own sake, I hope you get up the courage to have a heart to heart conversation with your friend. Tell him that you felt hurt and betrayed and allow him the space to tell you how he felt. Forgive him. He’s human. He’s a man with hormones (joke). Be compassionate. Life is too short to lose a dear friend.

Love,

Dr. Karen Kan

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Lessons From A Two-Year Old

Posted on 20 August 2008 by Dr. Karen

Last week I was visiting family and got the chance to connect more deeply with my niece and nephew who I get to see about once a year.

One evening, I got to babysit the two-year old, Dustin. We played in the usual way until dark clouds moved into the area. We were in the basement when we saw the first strikes of lightning. I decided to open the shutters so we could view the lightning better. He watched with fascination as I commented on the lightning and the ensuing thunder.

I wanted a loud “crack” of thunder, but all we got were low rumbles. Almost complaining, I explained to him that we were just hearing “baby” thunder. He was intrigued with the word “baby”, so he repeated it, “Baby funder?”, he said. He couldn’t pronounce “thunder” although I taught him to stick out his tongue while he tried.

So at first we stood there and watched for about 15 minutes. Then I sat down. He promptly sat down between my legs and we continued to view the sky. Later, my bum got numb so I repositioned into a lying position. Dustin immediately did the same and suddenly we were facing each other in the dark lying on the basement floor.

As the lightning and thunder continued behind him, Dustin just kept looking silently into my eyes. Our eyes were locked on each other in the dark. Can you imagine? A two-year old…silent. We were just BEING. We were just Being and connecting with each other.

I realized the special moment that we were sharing and also that it would never come again. Dustin was teaching me how to BE present. He wasn’t bored. He wasn’t pre-occupied. He wasn’t wanting to be elsewhere. He was just plain BEING present…and he was completely content staring into my eyes with his Being.

Tear flowed down my face as I smiled at this wonder-child. What a gift to be able to share a whole hour of practical silence with my nephew!

Most of the time we are busy entertaining our two-year olds, not realizing that they have the natural gift of BEING, something we lose as we grow older and get busier and more pre-occupied with our “problems”. If we just let our children show us their beautry and wisdom, we would be much happier. Who would have guessed that a two-year old could be content in silence watching a storm?

I learned that lesson from a two-year old that night.

Dr. Karen Kan

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Dear Dr. Karen: I Fell In Love With My Colleague and My Husband and Son Don’t Know…

Posted on 08 August 2008 by Dr. Karen

Dear Dr. Karen

I am married and have a 3 year old boy. things were going badly in my marriage for quite some time now, but I have always tried to fix everything. A few months ago, I fell in love with one of my colleagues..someone very special with whom I can be myself. It feels like we were meant to be together – the energy flows between us. I am lost now, feeling guilty towards my husband (who doesn’t know) and towards my son (who will suffer from any potential decisions I will make). Help me please! Nathalie

Dear Nathalie,

I can imagine your pain Nathalie, especially as the feelings of guilt can be very strong in situations such as yours. Have you ever had judgments about other people’s infidelities? I can truthfully tell you that I did. When I got married, I had no idea how anyone could have an affair outside of marriage. I was extremely judgmental of anyone who couldn’t be “truthful” in their relationships.

So the Universe brought me to a place where I could learn a lesson.

What happened with me is that I fell in love with a colleague who I met at a conference and couldn’t stop thinking about him while I was still married to my husband. It took me a long time to finally tell my husband that I had feelings for another man. He suspected it and even met the guy once. You know what my husband said? He said, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I would have appreciated the truth sooner.”

But you know, when I experienced myself how difficult it was to tell the truth, I finally understood why other people “cheated” on their partners. Although I didn’t physically “cheat” on my husband, the energy was definitely there…it’s the same thing. So now I have less judgment when it comes to people who are in situations such as yours.

I appreciate that you don’t want to hurt your three year old child. The truth is that you are doing the best you can and you need to release the guilt. It is a non-supportive emotion, a non-supportive energy. Your intentions are not to hurt your husband or your child, right? Will they possibly be emotionally hurt from you telling the truth? Possibly, yes. Is it your responsibility to prevent hurt in others. No, it is not. You are not literally responsible for another’s feelings, yet you can be understanding and compassionate around them.

Here’s the thing – your child will one day experience hurt. And you will not be able to prevent it. Getting “hurt” is an inevitable part of growing up. At three, your child will probably be less “hurt” over your situation than if he were older (at least consciously). What you can do is model the behavior you’d like for your child.

Would you like your child to have happy loving relationships as an adult? Of course you would.

Would you like your child to be supportive and compassionate with others? Of course you would.

So model those things for your child.

I encourage you to tell the truth when you are ready. Why? Because the secret eats at you from the inside and it is very unhealthy. Allow your partner to have his reaction, negative or not. Allow your child to have reactions (if any) and just know that you can still hold the space of loving intention despite their reactions. It is not an easy practice, but it can be very healing. Stay away from being defensive. Just state your truth…and your truth is how you feel.

Think of it this way. Keeping the secret is “selfish”. The reason you keep the secret is not only because you don’t want your husband and son to hurt, it is also because you do not want to deal with the negative reaction you may receive once you reveal the truth. You are not alone in this. Everyone I know has told a lie at least once in their life. As children, we tell lies in order to save ourselves from punishment.

So understanding this, would you be willing to be courageous (not only for yourself but for your son)? The colleague you are with may or may not be the partner you will end up with in the long run. Partnerships that arise from clandestine relationships do not always last the way we wish they would. But don’t worry about that at this point.

You are responsible for your joy and peace primarily. If you do not take responsibility for it, then you will teach your son not to take responsibility for his happiness either.

You know the saying, The Truth Shall Set You Free. And it is so true in terms of Energy. Your energy is restricted so long as you keep the truth from surfacing.

I wish you the best during this challenging transition. I know you can find the strength.

Dr. Karen

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Your REACTION Determines the Outcome of Any Situation…

Posted on 07 August 2008 by Dr. Karen

Ahhh, I just came back from Peak Potential’s Wizard Training Camp. Just when I thought they couldn’t top Enlightened Warrior Camp….all I can say is WOW! I’ve sworn an oath not to reveal the processes we went through, but let’s just say that even more so than before, I can be the EYE of the STORM….the calm within the chaos.James and I had an incredible experience as a couple as well. There was one very “connecting” process that we went through where we had to coach each other through it. I don’t think we’ve ever been more heart-connected (i.e. intimate) before. We just jumped another level in our connecting. I wish all of that and more for you too.Speaking of being the eye of the storm, being calm within the chaos – I was tested pretty quickly. We arrived late Friday. Monday evening, I went to my counselor’s home with James for a couples counseling session. Afterwards we noticed a dent in my passenger side door. Although James was undeniably upset, I automatically “knew” this was my opportunity to practice being a “Wizard”.

Although inconvenient to have a dent and not know where it came from, I stayed out of reaction successfully and just did what I needed to do: I called the insurance company asking for instructions. They were very nice. I purposely felt the feelings of gratitude for how nice they were to deal with. I found out my deductible for collision was $1000. Well, it was more than I expected, but still I stayed out of reaction. I just assumed that there was some lesson I was supposed to learn but just hadn’t figured it out yet.

The next day I get a call from the insurance company. Apparently I have a special “ultra” program on my car insurance that they forgot that I had. My deductible was dropped to $100! Wow, I was really appreciative then. Right after that, I received a message from a young man who admitted to hitting my car. I was again in appreciation. My car insurance company was sure happy too.

When I called the young man, it was only then that I realized that it was my counselor’s son! Someone we knew! So again, I was in great appreciation. Because I knew he would “do the right thing”. It took him a couple days to finally call me, but I was not angry at him. Anyone can make a mistake.

So now I am thankful that not only do I not have to pay $1000 deductible, I don’t even have to pay the $100 deductible because someone admitted fault to the dent and will pay for me!

So what was the lesson?

Stay in non-reaction (i.e. trust) and watch the miracles occur in your life! In other words, the outcome of any situation depends upon how YOU react to it. Nothing is inherently GOOD or BAD. It is good or bad based on the “spin” you give it…your perceptions color your reality.

You might as well assume that everything that happens is for your higher good. Then you will understand the meaning of PEACE.

Dr. Karen


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