Finding Joy and Meaning Within the Depths of Sadness…
Posted by: Karen in Blog, tags: acceptance, depression, grace, gratitude, miscarriage, pregnancy loss, sadness| Last Friday was supposed to be one of the happiest moments for my partner and I. We sat excitedly talking to the midwife about our birth plans. Finally, the ultrasound! The moment of truth! When we would see our baby, our little peanut, with its heart fluttering!As my dream partner, James, and I watched the screen, the ultrasonographer scanned the uterus. I saw a big cavity with a speck of something in it. I thought, “that’s strange”. I had done sonograms on pregnant women in my former medical practice, but something looked “wrong”. She scanned everything else and went back to the empty cavity. Finally, I asked her point blank, “are you saying there is an empty gestational sac? (medical terminology of course so I could be absolutely clear)”.
“Yes”, she replied. Suddenly, tears started streaming down my face. I turned from the monitor to look into my partner’s eyes. He was still “waiting” to see the baby. My face told the story. The ultrasonographer, hearing my crying, turned and gave me a hug and said, “I’m sorry”. One moment, we were expecting parents. In another moment, we weren’t. I was surprised at the degree of sadness that came up immediately for me. It was wonderful to see that my partner could also be “real” about his sadness too and we teared up together. I feel very close to James, even more so than before. Despite the sadness of losing our pregnancy, I did not feel sad every moment of every day. I was open to experiencing whatever feelings came and committed to being as PRESENT as possible. What I noticed was that I am able to be both sad about our loss and also grateful and joyful at the same time. There is a big difference between feeling sad and feeling depressed. The first is a temporary energy state and I notice that it ebbs and flows with what’s going on in the moment. The latter is a pervasive energy state that negatively affects your entire existence, so much so, that your entire world is painted grey. At the same time that there was sadness with my loss, James and I were immediately drawn to all the GIFTS and SIGNS from The Universe that all was well. I feel showered with blessings, as many gifts were bestowed onto me from The Universe, as if to comfort me. I successfully manifested the rain to stop and the sun to shine three times this past week when I needed it. What a gift! The Universe sent me many new clients and patients. What a gift! James and I realized that we CAN get pregnant (James and his former wife didn’t get pregnant for almost 9 years). What a gift! Countless family and friends have offered support and prayers. What a gift! There is no guilt, no blame, no fault finding. Just acceptance and love. What a wonderful way to experience loss. To be able to be both sad and grateful at the same time. I think they call this state, the state of GRACE. Would I have it any other way? Nope. All is as it should be. Blessings, Dr. Karen Kan |
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